St. Ignatius Loyola and Bonhoeffer

Anyone who has known me for a period of time knows that my faith story involves a man by the name of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German man who lived and died during the time of Nazi Germany. God used his story and his book, "The Cost of Discipleship," to touch me deeply during my junior year of high school. The influence still carries on today in how I deal with things, think about decisions, and more broadly my overall view on spirituality.

A family friend who had read this very blog recommended that I look into the spiritual practice of the "Examen" prayer. I did a little research, bought "The Prayer that Changes Everything" by Jim Manney, and started to think seriously about making this prayer a part of my daily life and spiritual routine. I finished reading the book this morning and it has really caused me to think a lot about how I am living my life at this point. Several things really touched me as I read more about the traditional "Examen" first brought about by St. Ignatius Loyola which many of us recognize as the founder of the Jesuits.

My limited experience with anything "Jesuit" was limited to a the movie "The Mission" and a trip here... to the Jesuit mission in Brazil that was the basis for the movie.



But the book, written by a contemporary American, really struck my interest. As you can see if you have read my blog recently, this year has been filled with decisions and important crossroads. I have been down and out because I was struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel of these roads and fearing that I was going to make a decision that I would regret for the rest of my life.

The Examen is a prayer and a way of thinking...and a way of going throughout life in each present moment. Kind of like when yoga instructors ask you to clear your mind and focus on each breath...and then you can start doing things...not really...but kind of. I can't even pretend to understand the practice completely and I have not started practicing it yet but I am very excited. There is one quote from the book that I would like to reflect on with you now. It is by St. Ignatius Loyola in his book, Spiritual Exercises.

"I will ponder with great affection how much God, our Lord, has done for me, and how much He has given me of what He possesses, and finally, how much...the same Lord desires to give Himself to me."


This is the passage that I have chosen to focus on this week and reflect on now. Let's break it down: "I will ponder with great affection..." This is a choice to do something with my mind. This is not being blown here and there by my emotions or how I wake up in the morning but a personal choice to put on an "attitude of gratitude" (Manney's words) and move from there. I will chose to go into the place in my mind where I can see things in the presence of my Creator rather than being focused on how I feel about life that day. This is a statement that I am about to acknowledge the love that is a gift and makes my life so much better. That thought fills me up with joy so that I can proceed.

"...how much God, our Lord, has done for me..." This one is easy. He sent His son to redeem me from my sin. He lifts me up when I am down. He calms me when I am anxious. He carries me when I am weak. He's created a world for me to live in. He's always present even when I chose to ignore it completely.

"...and how much He has given me of what He possesses..." Wow. Life everyday for 21 years, countless heartbeats, breaths, drinks of water, food, experiences, life in general. Again wow. Relationships. I am a beloved daughter, granddaughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, student, neighbor, co-worker, employee, person on the phone at CHC, educator, former-intern...just to mention a few. The love that God shows me everyday though the relationships that He's given me is incredible and impossible to ponder enough. I am a social person and at the heart of us all is that longing for closeness with people here on earth. God has given me so many relationships and connections it knocks me off my feet. He is also the giver of love, grace, mercy, peace, my emotions, worldly possessions, comforts, and desires. All good things come from Him. My talents and dreams are a reflection of who He's created me to be. Instilled in me with purpose. His purpose. More on that in a minute.

"and finally, how much...the same Lord desires to give himself to me." Wow is not the word here. In fact, I am void of a proper way to respond to this. He is the creator of Heaven and earth and desires to have a relationship with me. He's given me all of these things I've mentioned and more but still longs to give himself to me in a loving relationship. I'll need to reflect on this a little later when words come back to me.

One of the focuses of the Examen is working through your daily walk and thinking about it through the eyes of God. We are to focus on the moments of our day that make us "feel something." We are to focus on our emotions and what those can reveal to us. One central question that this prayer can answer is, "What do I really want?" That is, what is it that I long for when all of my illusions of what a "good life" means have been stripped away and I focus on the meaning of life as giving praise, reverence, and worship to God.

At first when I read that passage about what I want, my Bonhoeffer sirens started going off. God used that moment in a powerful way to reshape my spirituality a bit. Bonhoeffer's book, The Cost of Discipleship, emphasizes that when we are called by Christ to be a disciple, "Christ bids us come and die." It's hard to explain how this had shaped my view of God. I believed that this meant that my dreams and desires were meaningless and even if it was miserable, I was to run the race that He set before me. For this reason, I couldn't reconcile any pleasure of this life with God's calling on my life. I believed that we were called to be anything but comfortable; therefore, comfort was a sign that I was doing something in my life for myself and not for God which was wrong; therefore, anytime I felt good or comfortable, I was doing wrong and should get out of that situation because it wasn't the will of God. I lived that way for a long time and it shaped how I viewed things. I strived not to take time, energy, or anything, for myself because all things I had were of God and to be given away to his purposes which I believed were ALWAYS outside of myself. I should add the honest addendum that I was irked when people did things for themselves because I viewed that as being outside how Christians should live.

It's incredible how strange that sounds to me putting it out there that way. I cannot pretend that I have lived everyday of my life for the past four years never doing anything for myself or enjoying anything. I did. I guess the addendum is that I almost always felt guilty for it. I don't want to pretend that this way of striving to live "selflessly" is all bad. But I did notice that I couldn't do it and now I recognize that my spiritual pendulum had swung a little far.

Now hopefully, you can see why my sirens went off when Manney and by extension, St. Ignatius Loyola, asked me to think about what I want from life. My immediate slurred Bonhoefferian response was, "What does it matter what I want? This life is about anything except for what I want. This life is about what God desires for me to do and what I want has nothing to do with it." As I read further though, my question was answered by another quotation from Loyola, "Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord and by this means to have his soul." This is the meaning of life according to the founder of the Jesuits.

The principle of searching our emotions for our deepest and truest desires is based upon the belief that we have the Holy Spirit of God in the deepest place within us because we were created by God. Another implication is that we must shed our superficial desires and find and focus on our truest desire. I pray that the Spirit will lead me to see this more clearly in the planned month of daily examen to follow. I realize I have lost all of my readers by this point, but it was a good spiritual exercise for me either way.

I find myself in a place where I haven't in a while: a reshaping of my foundational truths. It doesn't feel comfortable or steady right now; but it feels really really really good to be moving again.

Blessings and peace, readers.

The Memphis Files: Chapter 1

Wow! It has really been a whirl-wind couple of weeks for me in Memphis. I am finding that adjusting to a new city is everything I thought it would be and more.

For those of you who are just joining in, I will sum up my story. For those of you who know me...you can skip this if you want to.

So I am in Memphis for a year to figure a few things out. I was accepted to Texas A and M but deferred for a year. I still have my acceptance and a start day exactly a year from well, probably this week. However, I moved to Memphis to be with Garrett who is starting medical school here at UT this week. I have a job as a clinic assistant at the Church Health Center and have been here for two weeks. That should catch most of you up.

So Memphis is an interesting place to be and is very different from Abilene. I am really enjoying the culture and variety of people that I get to interact with every day. I have been working the phone lines for CHC and have learned so much even in two weeks. I get to talk to a lot of people with a lot of different reasons for calling in. We are a clinic that sees patients who are working, uninsured and live in Shelby county. It is interesting talking to these folks, especially the ones that tell you their story although it is testing sometimes when I can't really do anything for them but give them another number to call. I pray that everyone that I talk to will have relief from whatever is paining them even if I can't schedule their appointment or they have to seek another clinic.

I know that this job is already teaching me lots and lots of life lessons about how to treat and interact with people. I have even thought about how I want to run my practice in similar and different ways than the clinic here. Something I really love is how devoted to their particular mission they are and how they claim that every day. They see a select group of patients and for that reason, they are able to treat their patients well. More examples to come. Another thing is how intentional they are about everything. Every meeting has a purpose, every assignment or phone call is for the greater good and they have inservices and meetings every week to remind themselves. Anyway, more of that to come.

Otherwise, life is just business as usual. I can enjoy my time off with Garrett. I am having a lot of fun learning how to do this kind of relationship versus the long distance thing and it is working out. It has been hard with him starting school and trying to feel good about my decision to put it off for a year. I ask for the peace about it that I need for the moment and move on.

In a meeting I had with a supervisor that helps people get into med school at UT, I was made aware that the likelihood of me getting in to UT, whether it be in a couple years or down the road would be extremely low. I had pondered that thought for a possibility to get to stay with Garrett and see where that leads but that is not going to be the case. We could do long distance again while we are in school but we both know the likelihood of that working out would also be very low. It seems as though the decision will come down to being with Garrett or being a doctor. I can't pretend that there is an easy answer to that question and even if you think I am crazy, pray that I may have clarity and peace about it. I won't have to figure that out until November but it weighs heavily on my mind every single day.

Anyway...thanks for reading and I will update soon.

Almost Time to Get on the Road

Hey Readers!

It has been a while and I apologize for that. It's been an interesting summer to say the very least for me but the time has almost come for my move up to Tennessee. It seems crazy that one year ago I was back in Abilene from being in Guatemala and Canada, obsessing over writing the perfect secondary applications for every single one of the Texas medical schools to which I was applying. I was still unsure of anything really going on between Garrett and I as well. Crazy how one year can change so much.

Most of you have probably been brought up to speed that I am now employed (or will be as of Tuesday) at the Church Health Center in Memphis, TN. But few of you know actually how this happened and that's the incredible story I want to tell.

As most of you know, searching for a job is a more difficult proposition than it sounds. I'm not even talking about our difficult economy. It is a difficult emotional process for those of us who pour so much into what we did before. I was a dedicated student and leader on campus at ACU and had kept really busy all four years. The resume that God had led me to built (besides being a huge blessing to me during each activity), was created for one purpose: Getting into medical school. I followed every guideline given by the pre-medical advisors that I could. I was busy in my summers. I shadowed and volunteered. I went on a medical mission trip and led other student ventures. Anyway, I felt great about my application to medical school and "alright" about my resume over all. But when you pour yourself into your activities, it hurts more when people look over you and say "that's not what I am looking for." I know it shouldn't be personal, but so much is personal to me because I put a lot of my person into everything.

Having said that, I submitted application and resume after application and resume for 7+ weeks which doesn't sound like much until you've done it. By the end of it, I was feeling very deflated and depressed that perhaps I had made the wrong decision and should have gone to school this year. I finally got a call back to be able to pass an aptitude test for a bank. I failed it. I wanted to be done, but I had to find a job. Right decision or not, this was the plan and I couldn't change it. I felt like maybe I was missing the opportunity that God had in mind for me so I started to pray that the right opportunity would be revealed to me and that it would be a slap on the back of the head saying, "KATE HUGGINS! THIS IS YOU!!! JUMP!!!!"

A couple nights later, I was about to skype with Garrett and I received an email from Mary, my grandmother's long time best friend who lives in Memphis. She said that there was a place that hired people waiting to get into professional school for a year to supervise volunteers and help in a clinic. That sounded pretty good to me, but they only hired people in June and it was already July. She gave me the email address and I sent an email with my resume to Patti. I did not know anything about the organization, or the position at that point.

The very next day, I received an email from Patti asking if I attached a cover letter that was requested. Oops. Still unaware of the position title, I wrote my basic cover letter with the positions I believed would be applicable to that organization. Later that eventing, I had an email that she would like to set up a phone interview! My first interview! I was so excited even though I didn't really know yet what I was interviewing for exactly.

Through much research over that weekend I found out a lot about the Church Health Center. It is a church-based and supported clinic in Memphis that targets the working and uninsured population of Memphis that believes in holistic care of body, mind, and soul. Sounded about perfect being as that is my area of interest. I read about the Scholars program which was unknowingly what I had applied for by emailing Patti, the coordinator of hiring for the program. Basically, this program is for people waiting to get into medical school. A bachelors degree is required for this year-long, June-June program. Basically it is like the Ameri-Corps for pre-meds only we are all in Memphis. As I read the brochure and over the website I was shocked at how well this fit me. It is not only based around what I want to do, but has many elements of what I have done before.

After the phone interview, I didn't feel perfect about it. There were at least four other applicants but Patti was interested in telling me about the program. The clinic assistants spend 4 months at the front desk, 4 months in the clinic, and 4 months in the "Procurement" department (working with volunteers and inventory, etc.). It is a full time position but may require some nights until 9 and/or Saturdays. I figured that one little imperfection wouldn't be too bad. I was nervous about it though because at this point I wanted it so badly.

Wednesday morning my old boss Nancy texted me that Patti was trying to get in touch with her and my heart leapt. I had just spent a morning in prayer that God would give me peace about whether or not this job was for me and that I could accept whatever came my way. What an answer to prayer!

Nancy called me while I was at lunch and she was in tears. She told me that Patti was in love with my resume and they had talked about a lot of things. She said that they had formally closed the hiring period but that Patti was debating hiring one more person. She had to make the decision the day that my resume came across her desk. She apparently saw my resume and knew I was it. Nancy really felt that she could turn me over to the Church Health Center and I would be as loved and taken care of as I was at my ACU job. As I was thanking Nancy, I got a call from that infamous 901 area code (Memphis) and I had a feeling this was the yes or no.

It was Patti and she said that she was delighted to offer me the job. The best part...the clinic assistants wear scrubs everyday!!

The short of the story is that God is good. I prayed and received an answer beyond what I could ask or imagine. If I could have written an ideal job description for me for this year, I still would not have dared to dream I could find an opportunity like this. God really blew me out of the water on this one and I am so grateful.

I start the day after I move in. God is good.



More updates from Memphis!!

Just Keep Swimming

Hi Readers!

So much has happened since I last wrote. It's only been two and a half weeks but it seems like a lifetime. The most notable events include Wade getting married, traveling to Nashville and Memphis for a week, and finding an apartment.

Wade and Kristin's wedding was fun and beautiful. It was a great time to see friends and family that we don't get to see very often. It's only a few times in your life where you get to see both sides of extended family along with all of Kristin's friends and family. The bridal party had a great time as many of us are college friends that don't get to spend time relaxing together. Wade looked like Michael Buble in his black tux with a skinny tie. Dad looked super daper in his tux and of course, Mom looked beautiful. Kristin was absolutely breath-taking, but it doesn't take her too much to get there. Our bridesmaid dresses were long and black and had a short train...pretty exciting.

Moving on, I took a few days to hang out and relax with Mom and Dad at the house and around Abilene. On Wednesday I had the bright idea of flying instead of driving to Tennessee and ended up flying out the next morning to Nashville. Our original plan was just to meet in Memphis for a couple of days to look for jobs and places to live and get a lay of the land. Since Southwest doesn't fly to Memphis, I went on to Nashville and got to spend a couple of days with Garrett planning and preparing for our trip. We set out on Sunday around noon and got Memphis around 4pm. We went over to my grandmom Gina's best friend's house for a tour of the area and dinner. These generous people went out of their way to show us around and take us to dinner to talk about different areas and help us see what living there is like. It was fantastic! I am so glad we got to do that. Memphis is much more compact than I thought it was. We spent one day there over spring break but that didn't do much to get the layout down.

The next morning we got up and went to look at apartment complexes. We headed straight to Mud Island (after getting lost in a shady area). Mud Island is an actual island on the Tennessee side of the Mississippi. You have to cross a bridge to get there (obviously) but it is the safest neighborhood we could find. The apartments there are more expensive (but manageable) and the difference in the atmosphere and safety is worth every penny. There are houses and four or five apartment communities. There are a couple of stores on the island too and despite it's name, it is very pretty. Green lawns, tall beach houses, and loads of hydrangeas line the streets and the communal attitude of the island is visible everywhere. We fell in love with it instantly.

After learning that there is very little availability on the island (of course), we departed to mull over the decisions and look into some other places. Driving around midtown and downtown, we felt that Mud Island was really the only option for us. We had some lunch and headed back to plan our next day.

That night we made dinner with Andrea and William. Andrea (Jernigan) was on the MET trip to Guatemala with us. She and William got married on the same day as Wade (5-28-11) and were just back from their honeymoon to British Columbia. We decided it would be fun to use their new kitchen and gifts to make poppyseed chicken. It was a lot of fun and felt really good to be building relationships with people our age to feel like we already have friends in the Memphis area.

The next morning we went out to deliver resumes and put down deposits at the Riverset Apartments on Mudisland. The most interesting part of the day was talking to banks and hearing that they no longer care if you want to go in person to apply but just refer you to their websites to apply online. Only one bank actually took my paper resume and only two gave me the time of day to assess who I am as a person. I have decided that if I don't get a job in research, being a bank teller could be really nice. That would allow me to have normal hours and then go home at night and forget about it. Anyway, we are praying for opportunities in safe areas that will pay the bills. Prayers are appreciated.

After lunch and signing the applications, we headed back to Nashville and I flew out the next morning. This week is all about Hallie's wedding! I am so honored to be a bridesmaid and this represents the beginning of my wedding marathon...

June 11 - Hallie and Colby (Abilene)
June 18 - Sarah and Andy (Abilene)
June 26 - Collin and Brett (Chicago)

Collin was my roommate my sophomore year and best friend freshman and sophomore year at ACU. I am so excited for her along with all of my brides. This is such a crazy time of life with weddings and everything going on currently.

In other news, my mom will have back surgery at Abilene Regional on Monday and prayers are appreciated for that too. She is very anxious about the recovery. I am glad that we pushed the moving date back to July 25th so I have plenty of time to help her out after surgery.

The final countdown has started and in just under 7 weeks, I will no longer be in a long-distance relationship...Garrett and I will get to be together at last! Hurray for that!

I am blessed, even through all of the changes and uncertainty...I am loved and blessed by the Creator. I feel it (almost) everyday. Some days I choose to ignore it (huge mistake) but I know He is faithful and always there.

Crazy life

Hey readers! I hope and pray that this finds all of you in a good place of health and contentment.

I don't really know exactly what made me want to write tonight but it is the outlet of all of my emotions...so good luck sifting through all the craziness to glean something meaningful.

It's been an interesting few days with moving home and all. I really enjoy being back with my parents but I know that that is going to make the move a little more painful when it actually comes. Speaking of the great move to Memphis, I am looking for jobs, so anything that you know of in the Memphis area, I would love to know about. Shoot me an email or give me a call.

I think I have decided that I would kind of like to be a bank teller for a year if I can find that sort of thing. I am not highly qualified for it, but I have some cash handling experience and am good with computers. It would be a job that I could go in, put my time in, work hard, and then go home and (hopefully) not have to worry about. I don't know, could be fun. Anyway, I am a little nervous about this move obviously with not having a job lined up yet, or place to live, but I am working on it. I trust that the Lord will provide if that is where I am supposed to be for this year.

Graduating and moving on now just seems like a dream. Something that happened in the past but didn't mean anything. I said goodbye to my good friend today and that was difficult yet again. It is hard to see everyone who has been huge players in your life game move off and attach to different things. I am doing that too though, so it is not just all their fault.

Everything just seems kind of surreal right now. My shifting relationship with my friends, professors, brother as he gets married, parents, and Garrett as we move to the same city. So much is changing in my life that I can't seem to take it all in or process it all. I spent a long time today just laying on my bed (like a lazy college alumnus job searching should) and thinking about it all (which is always dangerous). It feels like everything in my life is changing right now and the effects are absolutely paralyzing. I try not to get caught up in all of it but I still do.

God has blessed me so immensely in each chapter of my life so far. I feel like to not look back, smell the roses, and remember the good times now would be taking for granted all that he has given me. My wonderful parents who raised me in the ways of the Father. My loving brother who taught me so much about the world and God and faith and love. The rest of my wonderful family that loves and supports me always. Little ole' Abilene and all of her quirks; she may be small and boring, but she will always be my first home. My amazing friends from elementary, middle and high school, and college that have helped to shape me into who I am. The Family of God that have supported me and sent me on all of my adventures and missions that sculpted me so greatly. And most recently, my incredible boyfriend who keeps me balanced, together, and moving forward through all of these changes. It would be impossible to look at my life and not see how incredibly blessed I have been and am today.

The marvelous thing is that God is not yet done with me. He is not through using people to sculpt and influence my life. He is faithful and true. He knows me and loves me and I hold on to that fact more than life itself. I try, readers, so hard to lean on that fact. I don't want my blog to come off as a place where I complain about things and changes in my life. I want to celebrate the His faithfulness and ability to carry me through even when I can't pick myself up. I marvel at the way that he has used each person in my life to help shape my story and carry little weak Kate through His greater story.

I suppose that is why I felt prompted to write tonight. Every single time that I write and submit myself to be quiet and alone with Him. He draws me back to Himself and His love and faithfulness. May you be encouraged because we are all His children and He loves us because He made us and knows us.

Not sure there was anything to glean here for you, reader, but may God be glorified in our effort.

Kate

Graduation Blues?

Well, I guess I finally did it. I wore my purple heels and walked across the stage and got my "diploma tube," ACU's idea of something photogenic that is easy to hand out on stage and should convince the audience that it actually contains something useful, like a degree. But anyway, it was a weekend filled of friends and family and fun. I purposefully chose not to deal with what was actually going on emotionally for fear that it might ruin the weekend. So I stuffed the emotional baggage in the trunk and enjoyed my weekend.

I guess I really didn't let it hit me until this afternoon when Garrett was about to leave and we were talking about plans for Memphis. Until this point it has been theoretical...all of it. But now, with the adrenaline of the weekend wearing off and the fatigue setting in, it is seeming very real. Sitting down to write my family and friends thank you notes seemed to put the final stamp. Just above my desk, I have a variety of pictures, notes, invitations, and cards from this year and past years in college. From little Kate, Dara, and Collin about to have a pillow fight in the freshman dorm, to Samoa of the girls holding the "We love you, Kate" banner, to kids in the youth group at church camp this summer, to this past April with my research collaborators and biochemistry colleagues, I have it all on my wall. I looked up at it and could not help but be overcome with emotion that this journey is finally over. This chapter of life has ended and a new one will soon begin.

I can't say that I am not ready to move on. I am very attached to my job, my friends, classmates, student org, and many other things about ACU. However, if you asked me if I wanted to do another couple semesters of it, I would have to say "no." I am ready to move on, but it is still a bit painful to be honest. I feel like graduation should feel happier than this...not to say I am not happy but this is one of the most bittersweet experiences I have ever had. I wonder if other graduates feel like this or if I am just that crazy. I expected to be thrilled, ready to be done with ACU, and a sense of closure of it all. Honestly, I feel very little closure. Sure, I had the parties and celebrations and attention that signifies that something is drawing to a close and are meant to prepare us for that, but it just convinced me even more of how much I love things here.

I never thought I would look a picture of my professors or the other students that drove me crazy and start crying. I never thought I would lose sleep over cleaning out my desk at work or finishing the time-sheets we enter every semester. But alas, what would life be without surprises. Pretty boring, I would guess.

Now I am worried that all of you will think that I am crazy and should just be happy because life goes on. I can only say that I know I will get there. There is just so much that is unsure in my life right now. I am really leaning on the power of God to carry me through these next couple of months. I feel called and very confirmed in the decision that I have made, but it is hard not to get wrapped up thinking about it all. Life does move on. Things work out. New friends will be made and old ones will stay in touch. I know that things can't stay the way they are in one stage of life for forever and honestly I wouldn't want them to.

The other thing that situations like this make me appreciate, is the consistent things that God has established for us. First and foremost, that He loves us very much and He will always be there. Secondly, family. That's really all I can say right now without going into another emotional fit but I am so immensely grateful for the institution of family and how ideally, they are our best friends for life. I know that as people, we sometimes get in the way of ourselves, but family really is pretty cool when you think about going through changes but your family is your family. I understand that I have an ideal family situation...I love and appreciate them more now than maybe ever.

That's probably all I have energy for tonight. Peace and blessings, friends.

Dedication

So here is a little update on kind of where I am after having made my decision about deferring for a year. Honestly, I feel good about my decision. I believe that it is the right thing for me to do and have received confirmation almost everyday in some form or another. The other side of that is that the fear of moving, of living somewhere new, of being without my friends and family, still really scares me. Sometimes to the point of wishing I had made the other decision and taken the other road.

I get all tangled up in the thoughts of hypotheticals and the fact that I don't have a job, place to live, steady income, people to live with or even community up there to help me sort it all out. However, I do know that these vines of self-doubt really entangle me for no purpose but to mutilate my self-esteem, faith in God and faith in His people. I am finding once again, as I did in high school that the road that God and his people have pointed me on is not the safe, secure, wide and well-lit path that I have chosen to avoid for a year; but rather, this is the narrow, winding path...the start of which is hard to find.

This is where the dedication comes in. I think about Romans 12, verses 1-2 (The very verse I taught my kids in Samoa and attempted to learn in Samoan). I think about how so many people in scripture were called to dedicate their paths to the Lord. To offer their lives, bodies, talents, loves, dreams, and everything to the Lord so that they would succeed as only God can allow them to. They were probably scared. They probably cried. They also wrestled with their decision and felt the tug of the Spirit within them a certain way like did and do.

It's definitely easy to justify your actions for doing something crazy by saying that the Spirit has led you to this decision or that. Religious people have been justifying all sorts of insanity for thousands of years. However, there really is something to the overwhelming and inviting peace that falls every time I take back my decision from the vines of doubt and fear and restore it to the rightful place under God's control.

In Proverbs, it talks about the birds and the plants and how God provides for them because He loves his creation. Henri Nouwen, in his writings about solitude to community to ministry talks about us, his children, as the beloved. He asks us to find peace and wholeness in him. Finally, my least favorite "justification of the insanity" scripture is in Philippians. I am not rotting away in a prison cell and I resent openly when people put this on the back of a sports teams shirt, but Paul tells us that the love and peace of God can help us through the toughest of situations. "I can do all things..." think about what Paul was saying when he made that claim. I think about my situation and there is no real persecution, only doubt.

I praise God for the ways that he has dispelled the fear and doubt in my mind the last couple of weeks. Crazy Christian girl who has no clue about real life or not... if you were me, you could not possibly deny the peace and understanding that's come with the decision to hand all of the stress and worry over to Him.

Changes.

Well, if you have been tuned into my life lately, you have heard most of the saga. But for those of you who have not or have caught me at one of those frequent times where I don't feel like talking about it, this is for you.



As you all probably know, I have spend the last 14 months or so preparing and applying to medical school. It was a long journey that supposedly ended on November 15, when I got my acceptance letter to my top choice medical School. The final victory was staying up until 12am on February 1st to see the screen that said I had officially "matched" with said school which made it final. This school was my first choice among the Texas medical schools and I was delighted to say the least. I loved everything from the campuses, to hospitals, to students and staff that I had met. That fact has not changed. However, some other facts have.



I received a letter that next week that said that they had overbooked the class. I have to admit I was a little crushed. Applying to school is long process and I was tired of all of the ups and downs and drama. However, I failed to see in that moment the opportunity that had been presented to me by their mistake. I want to clarify that this is in NO way a note to bash my medical school -- they have handled things as professionally as they could and realize that this is a difficult situation. The administration has been fantastic this whole time.



Anyway, the choice was mine at that point to deffer and begin with a scholarship in 2012 or to elect not to deffer (with a possibility of being deferred by them). My initial reaction was one of pride and frustration that said, "This isn't fair. I won't be deferred. I want to go THIS year." But that pride and frustration was blocking my vision to see what this year could be if I let God take a hold of it.



It came down to a long spring break and week after of difficult conversations and extremely weighty thoughts. I allowed myself to truly wrestle with the choice and the consequences of each path. I buried myself for a few days from almost everyone and everything so that I could probe deep into my heart and into the heart of God about what I was do with this option presented me. Deferment meant a year of unknowns, excitement, doing something I would never do, travel, honestly Garrett, and other opportunities but came with a burden of unknown, fear, being an adult, finding a job and place to live and all of those complications. Not deferring meant I would live my dream sooner. But I had to wonder, would I regret a chance to live a different life for one year?



I don't base decisions on regret. I had to look very critically at myself and that was extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully, I could not have done it without them, but my family, friends, and Garrett all stayed right beside me in those moments of when I was most afraid to ask, "Lord, what do YOU want for me?"



I found my answers in scripture and through the words of my family and friends. I was reading the Corinthians at the time. In 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, Paul talks about how when growth occurs it is from God and not men. We can plant and water the seeds but only God can make it grow because he is the Creator of all things. I thought about this verse and it gave me immense comfort. Where my career, my faith, my relationship with Garrett, are concerned, I can make the choice to plant the seed, make the decision; and I can water it with prayer, energy, and attention; but only God can produce the growth that will make me a worthwhile worker in his field through these things.



My family and friends have all been extremely supportive as well without pushing me in one direction or the other. They all kept their bias shrouded in love for me and desire for me to be happy and own my decision. They have provided every measure of comfort and support for me. Prayer, food, space, time, love, affection, and sounding boards are just some of the ways that my family and friends have laid down their lives for me to be able to make a good decision. I am eternally grateful.



When it came down to turning the letter in, I was still afraid. I had made my decision and felt good about it, but it was still going to be final. My generation of Americans are not used to making decisions that don't involve a "backspace" or "delete" button. But as a little time has gone by now, I feel better everyday about the decision. I feel immensely and richly blessed beyond what I can fathom for the family and friends who have all shown their true colors and put up with me with love and respect through this whole medical school process.



What was the plan then? What decision did I make? I chose the unknown. I chose the year of deferral and scholarship and a chance to live a different life for a year. The plan is to find a job that will allow me to relax and enter medical school next summer a healthier and happier person. When I really consider myself, I have not done a wonderful job of self-care in the past four years. I have not stopped going the whole time and could really use a break from homework and school-related stress before I jump back in. I am a year younger, so I am not getting behind really.



Now here's the twist that everyone was already expecting, I am going to try to move to Memphis and find a job there. Garrett and I have decided to give living in the same place a go and see where things head. We both feel good about where we are in our relationship but know that things will change in August as he starts medical school at UT Memphis. If you have concerns about this part of the plan, I do too. I want to clarify that I am not giving up my dream to chase a guy I've been dating for about 9 months. I'm taking my year that I have been given to see where things go. No worries, friends.



Feel free to comment, but please know that I will not tolerate any negativity towards my medical school. It is still my top choice and I am happy with that. I am choosing to see this year as a good thing even though it was unexpected. :-)

Living the College Dream

So when in the course of human events it becomes necessary to spice up one's life a bit, most people would not choose the adventure I am embarking on now. I have decided that until spring break, I am not going to spend any money at all. This is only possible by generous gifts from my parents and some elderly folks that give money to ACU, but I am going to try it. Here are the conditions: No spending; no exceptions.

I am not going to pay for entertainment, gas, groceries, or to eat out. Reasons for this are multi-faceted and like I say, my meal plan at ACU and the fact that rent and bills for this month are taken care of allows me to try this. I just want to know how much I could save in two weeks by being super cheap. The current state of my pantry and fridge are as follows:
-half a block of cheddar cheese
-half a box of wheat thins
-milk
-bread
-peanut butter
-honey
-small amount of left-over pasta
-small amount of lunch meat

I have 10 meal plans a week so that will feed me breakfast and lunch during the week days. Other than that, I figure I will join my parents for dinner a couple of times between now and then and ration myself accordingly. If I run out of gas, I run out. If I run out of shampoo... (well, I stocked up on hygiene products before this week began). Anyway, this should be an interesting challenge just to see if I can remember that this is my commitment. That is why I share it with you, readers.

Out of all of the riches that I enjoy from the Father, I simply wonder how much I spend on frivolous things. Some things are obviously worth spending money on and some represent times of social and relational interaction. I hope and pray that this will help me see more clearly...well, something. I am not sure yet but I feel really motivated to try it. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.

The best thing about writing a blog is that I can pretend that I have someone(s) out there that really intensely care what I think about and what I am doing in my life. It gives me some measure of validation to know that there is a chance someone stumbles across this. Just saying.

Other than my "College Dream" life that I am living, I have found myself very conflicted this past week about decisions that I am having to make. I don't want to disclose exactly what I am talking about, but if you really know me, then you know what I am being confronted with.

Jeanine Varner, ACU's Provost, gave a speech at an event that I was at this past week. She talked about the words of a famous author to a young Walt Whitman. In this letter, the older mentor-like author wrote, "I greet you at the beginning of a great career." She said that that is how she feels about each of us at the assembly. I am not saying that I predict that I am going to have a fantastic career, but I do identify with being at the beginning. Whereas theoretically, all of my ducks would be in a row normally at this point, going to A&M and all, I can't help but feel like I am at a fork on a path.

I see it this way. I am in a great and tall forest with ACU (nearly) behind me and several paths stretched out before me. Before me, I can see the beginning part of each of them; though, they each turn, about two hundred feet in the distance. The paths shy away and hide what they hold beyond that certain point. I can tell that the each initially go different directions although, who knows? They could all very well converge or there could be switch over between them later on in the forest. I have to admit, I am taking inspiration from the great Frost, The Road not Taken. That is where I feel I am. Not an older person looking back on the paths, but having to look one path in the face and say, "I am not taking you. I have chosen something else."

As a person who tries very hard to live without regrets, I know that I must make good decisions now, ones that I can live with. What are the answers? Even less than that, how do I find them?

That question I can and will answer. I can only find them when I am focused on what God has given me. His word in scripture and voice in the people around me. With these things in mind, it is time to get started on this week.

Peace Brothers and Sisters.

Back in the Blogosphere

Ephesians 3:17-19 (New International Version, ©2010)

17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

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Hey there readers,

I haven't been able to write for a while. Well, not even that. I have chosen for the last little while not to write. So much has been going on and I have been so self-absorbed that it took over even my desire to fill the pages and/or screens of my life with anything meaningful. So many reasons and excuses came to my mind when I was deciding how to start this off: I've been too busy; I don't have the energy; time spend writing could be time spent in my personal relationships and all of that is true. However, I know that for my personal well-being, writing is a gift that I was given; a way in which to express myself and let things out that I feel. Once again, you may ask why, then, do I decide to blog my feelings? Why not keep a personal journal away from the prying eyes of the world? Well, for one, I have no reason to believe that anyone, aside from my mother and father and possibly grandparents, would want to read this. For two, I do a lot of advice seeking in my life and this is my way of tossing things out there for "the world" as it were, to give me feedback. I write this as a conversation...between you and me. Between God and me. Between anyone who has ears to hear (or eyes to read) and a simple person with something to say.

As many of you know, my life has been filled with very interesting and life-altering changes the past couple of years and especially the past couple of months. With medical school applications completed, family changes, and a man-friend in my life, the past year has been a roller-coaster of emotions and, well, really, quite epic by my proportions. It has made for an interesting climate in which to live my life. However, when I think about it. I am easily the most blessed person in the entire world. For one, I know Christ as my living Savior and have my life hidden in Him. Two, I have an amazing family and other communities and friends, like my roommates, with whom to discuss any and almost every aspect of my life. Three, I am blessed with an education and the ability to live comfortably and travel often. In these regards, and countless others, I am blessed beyond belief. I praise God for that. It is all to His glory.

Along those exact lines though, I feel that I am possibly the most spoiled person in the world too and that has made me rotten. I take things for granted. I live for the next moment and not the present. I fail people and know that they are going to still love me when they really don't have to. I suppose that over the past couple of days, I have been convicted once more of the ways that my soul has been starving. Starving for honesty and confession of things that I shouldn't do like complain and take things for granted. I am far from perfect and strive for my life to be His by an ever-increasing degree.

Why do you think it is, readers, that EVERY time I write, I am called back to the fundamental truth and goodness of God? Why is it that at the root of all of my joy and anguish I find this same longing for God? Truly, writing and listening are God's way of calling me home. Reminding me that I am blessed and his beloved. I hope and pray that all people, believers and unbelievers the same, may find that place where God grabs you by the collar every time and yanks you into the air. That place where he pulls you in, wraps his arms around you, and tells you that you are loved. And just like that, you know the mercy and grace and depth of the True God's love for His creation. (Sorry for the lack of gender neutrality when referring to God Almighty.)

Peace, brothers and sisters.