Well, if you have been tuned into my life lately, you have heard most of the saga. But for those of you who have not or have caught me at one of those frequent times where I don't feel like talking about it, this is for you.
As you all probably know, I have spend the last 14 months or so preparing and applying to medical school. It was a long journey that supposedly ended on November 15, when I got my acceptance letter to my top choice medical School. The final victory was staying up until 12am on February 1st to see the screen that said I had officially "matched" with said school which made it final. This school was my first choice among the Texas medical schools and I was delighted to say the least. I loved everything from the campuses, to hospitals, to students and staff that I had met. That fact has not changed. However, some other facts have.
I received a letter that next week that said that they had overbooked the class. I have to admit I was a little crushed. Applying to school is long process and I was tired of all of the ups and downs and drama. However, I failed to see in that moment the opportunity that had been presented to me by their mistake. I want to clarify that this is in NO way a note to bash my medical school -- they have handled things as professionally as they could and realize that this is a difficult situation. The administration has been fantastic this whole time.
Anyway, the choice was mine at that point to deffer and begin with a scholarship in 2012 or to elect not to deffer (with a possibility of being deferred by them). My initial reaction was one of pride and frustration that said, "This isn't fair. I won't be deferred. I want to go THIS year." But that pride and frustration was blocking my vision to see what this year could be if I let God take a hold of it.
It came down to a long spring break and week after of difficult conversations and extremely weighty thoughts. I allowed myself to truly wrestle with the choice and the consequences of each path. I buried myself for a few days from almost everyone and everything so that I could probe deep into my heart and into the heart of God about what I was do with this option presented me. Deferment meant a year of unknowns, excitement, doing something I would never do, travel, honestly Garrett, and other opportunities but came with a burden of unknown, fear, being an adult, finding a job and place to live and all of those complications. Not deferring meant I would live my dream sooner. But I had to wonder, would I regret a chance to live a different life for one year?
I don't base decisions on regret. I had to look very critically at myself and that was extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully, I could not have done it without them, but my family, friends, and Garrett all stayed right beside me in those moments of when I was most afraid to ask, "Lord, what do YOU want for me?"
I found my answers in scripture and through the words of my family and friends. I was reading the Corinthians at the time. In 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, Paul talks about how when growth occurs it is from God and not men. We can plant and water the seeds but only God can make it grow because he is the Creator of all things. I thought about this verse and it gave me immense comfort. Where my career, my faith, my relationship with Garrett, are concerned, I can make the choice to plant the seed, make the decision; and I can water it with prayer, energy, and attention; but only God can produce the growth that will make me a worthwhile worker in his field through these things.
My family and friends have all been extremely supportive as well without pushing me in one direction or the other. They all kept their bias shrouded in love for me and desire for me to be happy and own my decision. They have provided every measure of comfort and support for me. Prayer, food, space, time, love, affection, and sounding boards are just some of the ways that my family and friends have laid down their lives for me to be able to make a good decision. I am eternally grateful.
When it came down to turning the letter in, I was still afraid. I had made my decision and felt good about it, but it was still going to be final. My generation of Americans are not used to making decisions that don't involve a "backspace" or "delete" button. But as a little time has gone by now, I feel better everyday about the decision. I feel immensely and richly blessed beyond what I can fathom for the family and friends who have all shown their true colors and put up with me with love and respect through this whole medical school process.
What was the plan then? What decision did I make? I chose the unknown. I chose the year of deferral and scholarship and a chance to live a different life for a year. The plan is to find a job that will allow me to relax and enter medical school next summer a healthier and happier person. When I really consider myself, I have not done a wonderful job of self-care in the past four years. I have not stopped going the whole time and could really use a break from homework and school-related stress before I jump back in. I am a year younger, so I am not getting behind really.
Now here's the twist that everyone was already expecting, I am going to try to move to Memphis and find a job there. Garrett and I have decided to give living in the same place a go and see where things head. We both feel good about where we are in our relationship but know that things will change in August as he starts medical school at UT Memphis. If you have concerns about this part of the plan, I do too. I want to clarify that I am not giving up my dream to chase a guy I've been dating for about 9 months. I'm taking my year that I have been given to see where things go. No worries, friends.
Feel free to comment, but please know that I will not tolerate any negativity towards my medical school. It is still my top choice and I am happy with that. I am choosing to see this year as a good thing even though it was unexpected. :-)
