Crazy life

Hey readers! I hope and pray that this finds all of you in a good place of health and contentment.

I don't really know exactly what made me want to write tonight but it is the outlet of all of my emotions...so good luck sifting through all the craziness to glean something meaningful.

It's been an interesting few days with moving home and all. I really enjoy being back with my parents but I know that that is going to make the move a little more painful when it actually comes. Speaking of the great move to Memphis, I am looking for jobs, so anything that you know of in the Memphis area, I would love to know about. Shoot me an email or give me a call.

I think I have decided that I would kind of like to be a bank teller for a year if I can find that sort of thing. I am not highly qualified for it, but I have some cash handling experience and am good with computers. It would be a job that I could go in, put my time in, work hard, and then go home and (hopefully) not have to worry about. I don't know, could be fun. Anyway, I am a little nervous about this move obviously with not having a job lined up yet, or place to live, but I am working on it. I trust that the Lord will provide if that is where I am supposed to be for this year.

Graduating and moving on now just seems like a dream. Something that happened in the past but didn't mean anything. I said goodbye to my good friend today and that was difficult yet again. It is hard to see everyone who has been huge players in your life game move off and attach to different things. I am doing that too though, so it is not just all their fault.

Everything just seems kind of surreal right now. My shifting relationship with my friends, professors, brother as he gets married, parents, and Garrett as we move to the same city. So much is changing in my life that I can't seem to take it all in or process it all. I spent a long time today just laying on my bed (like a lazy college alumnus job searching should) and thinking about it all (which is always dangerous). It feels like everything in my life is changing right now and the effects are absolutely paralyzing. I try not to get caught up in all of it but I still do.

God has blessed me so immensely in each chapter of my life so far. I feel like to not look back, smell the roses, and remember the good times now would be taking for granted all that he has given me. My wonderful parents who raised me in the ways of the Father. My loving brother who taught me so much about the world and God and faith and love. The rest of my wonderful family that loves and supports me always. Little ole' Abilene and all of her quirks; she may be small and boring, but she will always be my first home. My amazing friends from elementary, middle and high school, and college that have helped to shape me into who I am. The Family of God that have supported me and sent me on all of my adventures and missions that sculpted me so greatly. And most recently, my incredible boyfriend who keeps me balanced, together, and moving forward through all of these changes. It would be impossible to look at my life and not see how incredibly blessed I have been and am today.

The marvelous thing is that God is not yet done with me. He is not through using people to sculpt and influence my life. He is faithful and true. He knows me and loves me and I hold on to that fact more than life itself. I try, readers, so hard to lean on that fact. I don't want my blog to come off as a place where I complain about things and changes in my life. I want to celebrate the His faithfulness and ability to carry me through even when I can't pick myself up. I marvel at the way that he has used each person in my life to help shape my story and carry little weak Kate through His greater story.

I suppose that is why I felt prompted to write tonight. Every single time that I write and submit myself to be quiet and alone with Him. He draws me back to Himself and His love and faithfulness. May you be encouraged because we are all His children and He loves us because He made us and knows us.

Not sure there was anything to glean here for you, reader, but may God be glorified in our effort.

Kate

Graduation Blues?

Well, I guess I finally did it. I wore my purple heels and walked across the stage and got my "diploma tube," ACU's idea of something photogenic that is easy to hand out on stage and should convince the audience that it actually contains something useful, like a degree. But anyway, it was a weekend filled of friends and family and fun. I purposefully chose not to deal with what was actually going on emotionally for fear that it might ruin the weekend. So I stuffed the emotional baggage in the trunk and enjoyed my weekend.

I guess I really didn't let it hit me until this afternoon when Garrett was about to leave and we were talking about plans for Memphis. Until this point it has been theoretical...all of it. But now, with the adrenaline of the weekend wearing off and the fatigue setting in, it is seeming very real. Sitting down to write my family and friends thank you notes seemed to put the final stamp. Just above my desk, I have a variety of pictures, notes, invitations, and cards from this year and past years in college. From little Kate, Dara, and Collin about to have a pillow fight in the freshman dorm, to Samoa of the girls holding the "We love you, Kate" banner, to kids in the youth group at church camp this summer, to this past April with my research collaborators and biochemistry colleagues, I have it all on my wall. I looked up at it and could not help but be overcome with emotion that this journey is finally over. This chapter of life has ended and a new one will soon begin.

I can't say that I am not ready to move on. I am very attached to my job, my friends, classmates, student org, and many other things about ACU. However, if you asked me if I wanted to do another couple semesters of it, I would have to say "no." I am ready to move on, but it is still a bit painful to be honest. I feel like graduation should feel happier than this...not to say I am not happy but this is one of the most bittersweet experiences I have ever had. I wonder if other graduates feel like this or if I am just that crazy. I expected to be thrilled, ready to be done with ACU, and a sense of closure of it all. Honestly, I feel very little closure. Sure, I had the parties and celebrations and attention that signifies that something is drawing to a close and are meant to prepare us for that, but it just convinced me even more of how much I love things here.

I never thought I would look a picture of my professors or the other students that drove me crazy and start crying. I never thought I would lose sleep over cleaning out my desk at work or finishing the time-sheets we enter every semester. But alas, what would life be without surprises. Pretty boring, I would guess.

Now I am worried that all of you will think that I am crazy and should just be happy because life goes on. I can only say that I know I will get there. There is just so much that is unsure in my life right now. I am really leaning on the power of God to carry me through these next couple of months. I feel called and very confirmed in the decision that I have made, but it is hard not to get wrapped up thinking about it all. Life does move on. Things work out. New friends will be made and old ones will stay in touch. I know that things can't stay the way they are in one stage of life for forever and honestly I wouldn't want them to.

The other thing that situations like this make me appreciate, is the consistent things that God has established for us. First and foremost, that He loves us very much and He will always be there. Secondly, family. That's really all I can say right now without going into another emotional fit but I am so immensely grateful for the institution of family and how ideally, they are our best friends for life. I know that as people, we sometimes get in the way of ourselves, but family really is pretty cool when you think about going through changes but your family is your family. I understand that I have an ideal family situation...I love and appreciate them more now than maybe ever.

That's probably all I have energy for tonight. Peace and blessings, friends.

Dedication

So here is a little update on kind of where I am after having made my decision about deferring for a year. Honestly, I feel good about my decision. I believe that it is the right thing for me to do and have received confirmation almost everyday in some form or another. The other side of that is that the fear of moving, of living somewhere new, of being without my friends and family, still really scares me. Sometimes to the point of wishing I had made the other decision and taken the other road.

I get all tangled up in the thoughts of hypotheticals and the fact that I don't have a job, place to live, steady income, people to live with or even community up there to help me sort it all out. However, I do know that these vines of self-doubt really entangle me for no purpose but to mutilate my self-esteem, faith in God and faith in His people. I am finding once again, as I did in high school that the road that God and his people have pointed me on is not the safe, secure, wide and well-lit path that I have chosen to avoid for a year; but rather, this is the narrow, winding path...the start of which is hard to find.

This is where the dedication comes in. I think about Romans 12, verses 1-2 (The very verse I taught my kids in Samoa and attempted to learn in Samoan). I think about how so many people in scripture were called to dedicate their paths to the Lord. To offer their lives, bodies, talents, loves, dreams, and everything to the Lord so that they would succeed as only God can allow them to. They were probably scared. They probably cried. They also wrestled with their decision and felt the tug of the Spirit within them a certain way like did and do.

It's definitely easy to justify your actions for doing something crazy by saying that the Spirit has led you to this decision or that. Religious people have been justifying all sorts of insanity for thousands of years. However, there really is something to the overwhelming and inviting peace that falls every time I take back my decision from the vines of doubt and fear and restore it to the rightful place under God's control.

In Proverbs, it talks about the birds and the plants and how God provides for them because He loves his creation. Henri Nouwen, in his writings about solitude to community to ministry talks about us, his children, as the beloved. He asks us to find peace and wholeness in him. Finally, my least favorite "justification of the insanity" scripture is in Philippians. I am not rotting away in a prison cell and I resent openly when people put this on the back of a sports teams shirt, but Paul tells us that the love and peace of God can help us through the toughest of situations. "I can do all things..." think about what Paul was saying when he made that claim. I think about my situation and there is no real persecution, only doubt.

I praise God for the ways that he has dispelled the fear and doubt in my mind the last couple of weeks. Crazy Christian girl who has no clue about real life or not... if you were me, you could not possibly deny the peace and understanding that's come with the decision to hand all of the stress and worry over to Him.

Changes.

Well, if you have been tuned into my life lately, you have heard most of the saga. But for those of you who have not or have caught me at one of those frequent times where I don't feel like talking about it, this is for you.



As you all probably know, I have spend the last 14 months or so preparing and applying to medical school. It was a long journey that supposedly ended on November 15, when I got my acceptance letter to my top choice medical School. The final victory was staying up until 12am on February 1st to see the screen that said I had officially "matched" with said school which made it final. This school was my first choice among the Texas medical schools and I was delighted to say the least. I loved everything from the campuses, to hospitals, to students and staff that I had met. That fact has not changed. However, some other facts have.



I received a letter that next week that said that they had overbooked the class. I have to admit I was a little crushed. Applying to school is long process and I was tired of all of the ups and downs and drama. However, I failed to see in that moment the opportunity that had been presented to me by their mistake. I want to clarify that this is in NO way a note to bash my medical school -- they have handled things as professionally as they could and realize that this is a difficult situation. The administration has been fantastic this whole time.



Anyway, the choice was mine at that point to deffer and begin with a scholarship in 2012 or to elect not to deffer (with a possibility of being deferred by them). My initial reaction was one of pride and frustration that said, "This isn't fair. I won't be deferred. I want to go THIS year." But that pride and frustration was blocking my vision to see what this year could be if I let God take a hold of it.



It came down to a long spring break and week after of difficult conversations and extremely weighty thoughts. I allowed myself to truly wrestle with the choice and the consequences of each path. I buried myself for a few days from almost everyone and everything so that I could probe deep into my heart and into the heart of God about what I was do with this option presented me. Deferment meant a year of unknowns, excitement, doing something I would never do, travel, honestly Garrett, and other opportunities but came with a burden of unknown, fear, being an adult, finding a job and place to live and all of those complications. Not deferring meant I would live my dream sooner. But I had to wonder, would I regret a chance to live a different life for one year?



I don't base decisions on regret. I had to look very critically at myself and that was extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully, I could not have done it without them, but my family, friends, and Garrett all stayed right beside me in those moments of when I was most afraid to ask, "Lord, what do YOU want for me?"



I found my answers in scripture and through the words of my family and friends. I was reading the Corinthians at the time. In 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, Paul talks about how when growth occurs it is from God and not men. We can plant and water the seeds but only God can make it grow because he is the Creator of all things. I thought about this verse and it gave me immense comfort. Where my career, my faith, my relationship with Garrett, are concerned, I can make the choice to plant the seed, make the decision; and I can water it with prayer, energy, and attention; but only God can produce the growth that will make me a worthwhile worker in his field through these things.



My family and friends have all been extremely supportive as well without pushing me in one direction or the other. They all kept their bias shrouded in love for me and desire for me to be happy and own my decision. They have provided every measure of comfort and support for me. Prayer, food, space, time, love, affection, and sounding boards are just some of the ways that my family and friends have laid down their lives for me to be able to make a good decision. I am eternally grateful.



When it came down to turning the letter in, I was still afraid. I had made my decision and felt good about it, but it was still going to be final. My generation of Americans are not used to making decisions that don't involve a "backspace" or "delete" button. But as a little time has gone by now, I feel better everyday about the decision. I feel immensely and richly blessed beyond what I can fathom for the family and friends who have all shown their true colors and put up with me with love and respect through this whole medical school process.



What was the plan then? What decision did I make? I chose the unknown. I chose the year of deferral and scholarship and a chance to live a different life for a year. The plan is to find a job that will allow me to relax and enter medical school next summer a healthier and happier person. When I really consider myself, I have not done a wonderful job of self-care in the past four years. I have not stopped going the whole time and could really use a break from homework and school-related stress before I jump back in. I am a year younger, so I am not getting behind really.



Now here's the twist that everyone was already expecting, I am going to try to move to Memphis and find a job there. Garrett and I have decided to give living in the same place a go and see where things head. We both feel good about where we are in our relationship but know that things will change in August as he starts medical school at UT Memphis. If you have concerns about this part of the plan, I do too. I want to clarify that I am not giving up my dream to chase a guy I've been dating for about 9 months. I'm taking my year that I have been given to see where things go. No worries, friends.



Feel free to comment, but please know that I will not tolerate any negativity towards my medical school. It is still my top choice and I am happy with that. I am choosing to see this year as a good thing even though it was unexpected. :-)

Living the College Dream

So when in the course of human events it becomes necessary to spice up one's life a bit, most people would not choose the adventure I am embarking on now. I have decided that until spring break, I am not going to spend any money at all. This is only possible by generous gifts from my parents and some elderly folks that give money to ACU, but I am going to try it. Here are the conditions: No spending; no exceptions.

I am not going to pay for entertainment, gas, groceries, or to eat out. Reasons for this are multi-faceted and like I say, my meal plan at ACU and the fact that rent and bills for this month are taken care of allows me to try this. I just want to know how much I could save in two weeks by being super cheap. The current state of my pantry and fridge are as follows:
-half a block of cheddar cheese
-half a box of wheat thins
-milk
-bread
-peanut butter
-honey
-small amount of left-over pasta
-small amount of lunch meat

I have 10 meal plans a week so that will feed me breakfast and lunch during the week days. Other than that, I figure I will join my parents for dinner a couple of times between now and then and ration myself accordingly. If I run out of gas, I run out. If I run out of shampoo... (well, I stocked up on hygiene products before this week began). Anyway, this should be an interesting challenge just to see if I can remember that this is my commitment. That is why I share it with you, readers.

Out of all of the riches that I enjoy from the Father, I simply wonder how much I spend on frivolous things. Some things are obviously worth spending money on and some represent times of social and relational interaction. I hope and pray that this will help me see more clearly...well, something. I am not sure yet but I feel really motivated to try it. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.

The best thing about writing a blog is that I can pretend that I have someone(s) out there that really intensely care what I think about and what I am doing in my life. It gives me some measure of validation to know that there is a chance someone stumbles across this. Just saying.

Other than my "College Dream" life that I am living, I have found myself very conflicted this past week about decisions that I am having to make. I don't want to disclose exactly what I am talking about, but if you really know me, then you know what I am being confronted with.

Jeanine Varner, ACU's Provost, gave a speech at an event that I was at this past week. She talked about the words of a famous author to a young Walt Whitman. In this letter, the older mentor-like author wrote, "I greet you at the beginning of a great career." She said that that is how she feels about each of us at the assembly. I am not saying that I predict that I am going to have a fantastic career, but I do identify with being at the beginning. Whereas theoretically, all of my ducks would be in a row normally at this point, going to A&M and all, I can't help but feel like I am at a fork on a path.

I see it this way. I am in a great and tall forest with ACU (nearly) behind me and several paths stretched out before me. Before me, I can see the beginning part of each of them; though, they each turn, about two hundred feet in the distance. The paths shy away and hide what they hold beyond that certain point. I can tell that the each initially go different directions although, who knows? They could all very well converge or there could be switch over between them later on in the forest. I have to admit, I am taking inspiration from the great Frost, The Road not Taken. That is where I feel I am. Not an older person looking back on the paths, but having to look one path in the face and say, "I am not taking you. I have chosen something else."

As a person who tries very hard to live without regrets, I know that I must make good decisions now, ones that I can live with. What are the answers? Even less than that, how do I find them?

That question I can and will answer. I can only find them when I am focused on what God has given me. His word in scripture and voice in the people around me. With these things in mind, it is time to get started on this week.

Peace Brothers and Sisters.

Back in the Blogosphere

Ephesians 3:17-19 (New International Version, ©2010)

17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

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Hey there readers,

I haven't been able to write for a while. Well, not even that. I have chosen for the last little while not to write. So much has been going on and I have been so self-absorbed that it took over even my desire to fill the pages and/or screens of my life with anything meaningful. So many reasons and excuses came to my mind when I was deciding how to start this off: I've been too busy; I don't have the energy; time spend writing could be time spent in my personal relationships and all of that is true. However, I know that for my personal well-being, writing is a gift that I was given; a way in which to express myself and let things out that I feel. Once again, you may ask why, then, do I decide to blog my feelings? Why not keep a personal journal away from the prying eyes of the world? Well, for one, I have no reason to believe that anyone, aside from my mother and father and possibly grandparents, would want to read this. For two, I do a lot of advice seeking in my life and this is my way of tossing things out there for "the world" as it were, to give me feedback. I write this as a conversation...between you and me. Between God and me. Between anyone who has ears to hear (or eyes to read) and a simple person with something to say.

As many of you know, my life has been filled with very interesting and life-altering changes the past couple of years and especially the past couple of months. With medical school applications completed, family changes, and a man-friend in my life, the past year has been a roller-coaster of emotions and, well, really, quite epic by my proportions. It has made for an interesting climate in which to live my life. However, when I think about it. I am easily the most blessed person in the entire world. For one, I know Christ as my living Savior and have my life hidden in Him. Two, I have an amazing family and other communities and friends, like my roommates, with whom to discuss any and almost every aspect of my life. Three, I am blessed with an education and the ability to live comfortably and travel often. In these regards, and countless others, I am blessed beyond belief. I praise God for that. It is all to His glory.

Along those exact lines though, I feel that I am possibly the most spoiled person in the world too and that has made me rotten. I take things for granted. I live for the next moment and not the present. I fail people and know that they are going to still love me when they really don't have to. I suppose that over the past couple of days, I have been convicted once more of the ways that my soul has been starving. Starving for honesty and confession of things that I shouldn't do like complain and take things for granted. I am far from perfect and strive for my life to be His by an ever-increasing degree.

Why do you think it is, readers, that EVERY time I write, I am called back to the fundamental truth and goodness of God? Why is it that at the root of all of my joy and anguish I find this same longing for God? Truly, writing and listening are God's way of calling me home. Reminding me that I am blessed and his beloved. I hope and pray that all people, believers and unbelievers the same, may find that place where God grabs you by the collar every time and yanks you into the air. That place where he pulls you in, wraps his arms around you, and tells you that you are loved. And just like that, you know the mercy and grace and depth of the True God's love for His creation. (Sorry for the lack of gender neutrality when referring to God Almighty.)

Peace, brothers and sisters.

Now I Can Feel It

Life goes on as normal. I suppose. For me that is. Life of my patients is a whole different issue. One seemingly filled with land-mines and hidden traps along the way. I don't mean to sound depressive. I am in no capacity depressed but I am rocked by the world that I live in right now. Who wouldn't be.

I have had a patient all the time that I have been here. I have walked through the ups and downs with him and his family. Right now, we are on a down. A major down. I have come to see just how important a chaplain's presence can be. I suppose that keeps me going in a non-self-absorbed way. I keep going because I know that somehow, God is making a difference through me.

I miss camp. I miss being with kids and having them around to lift my spirits and remind me that life goes on. Visits in my normal rounds are interesting, but I am coming to realize that there are things that I enjoy more and things that I steer away from. Some conversations are cut off. Some I cut off because I am uncomfortable. Now that I recognize that, perhaps I can look deeper into those conversations are rethink my aversion. I'll let ya know how that goes.

As far as more personal growth and change go, I have nothing more to offer. I think this summer is changing me beyond what I could ask or imagine. It is His power that works within me and I am realizing how this power cannot be stifled by anything I do except for ignore it. That's simply not an option. I hope that I don't ever try to do that. I can imagine the effects would be irreparable.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I feel them. I feel everything these days! :)