So much has changed even since the last time that I wrote to you all. I officially moved to St. Louis and completed my first rotation at SLUH (St. Louis University Hospital). We have visited several churches and are making progress towards St. Louis feeling more like home.
I was very blessed to attend the American Academy of Family Physicians National Conference in Kansas City, MO, a couple of weeks ago. My time there was super refreshing and a huge motivator as we approach this interview season for residencies. There are speakers and social events, but the main focus of the conference for students is the "Expo Hall." There are roughly 300 residency programs from all over the country that set up booths. The booths have lots of information about the program and the area, but most helpful is the residents and faculty that stand at the booths to interact with students. I spent a lot of time with each of the three programs in St. Louis. They were all very nice and I think I have some really great choices in this area. I will apply a bit wider as well, going back to Tennessee for a couple of programs and maybe a few others. I am excited about what God holds for the next season.
I have been busy the past three weeks with a rotation in Otolaryngology, or Ear, Nose, and Throat. Even though that is not what I want to go into for a specialty, I learned a ton about the patients and pathology in the field. A lot of outpatient family medicine will focus on dealing with problems of the ear, nose, and throat, and it was a wonderful opportunity to hear what the specialists have to say about the problems. I learned a lot about when to refer patients and what strategies to try in my clinic first to save the patient and the specialist time. Handy information.
I am about to embark on a very different sort of adventure as well. I am going to Serbia for a week with several members of my church family in Memphis. We are helping facilitate a camp for families whose children have been diagnosed with cancer. We are excited about the opportunity to provide a fun and supportive environment for these families. My part will be mostly working with the children of the families to facilitate activities and conversations. While the foundation of the trip is mission work it will be much more about showing the love of God to these families rather than a lot of out right preaching. My team and I crave your prayers for this week of fun and service. While it is a crazy time for me to leave the country, after praying a lot about it, I decided if I didn't take time my fourth year of medical school to do this... the trajectory of incorporating mission work down the line is not good. I am very excited about this opportunity and will keep you all posted.
Finally, it has been almost a year since my surgery! Crazy! I will actually be in Serbia to celebrate my first "Heart-iversary" (Garrett loathes that term). What an amazing picture of God's provision for my life than celebrating this way. I can't imagine a better celebration than giving hope and joy to kiddos with medical struggles. :)
Next up for us is application season for residency! My classmates and I are preparing our applications to send out in the next couple of months. Then there will be (Lord willing) interviews, ranking, and then match! Super crazy that it's almost all here.
Garrett survived his ICU month and continues to be busy at the hospital of course. He is actually on a calmer month right now working with the pulmonology (lung) consult service. Next month he will be working with inpatients with cancer and then regular "internal medicine wards" for the foreseeable future after that.
Come to think of it...I don't know if I ever explained the medical training pathway which I didn't actually understand until probably last year. It can be helpful if you know someone going into medicine or if you are ever a patient at a teaching hospital. So for those of you who are non-medical outside of Grey's Anatomy or Scrubs (real life is much much much more like Scrubs)...I will quickly outline the training process for clarification:
Step 1: Undergraduate degree (4 years - mine at ACU)
Step 2: Medical School (4 years - I am here. At then end, you get your M.D.)
Step 3: Residency (between 3-7 years depending on speciality. At then end, you take more exams for your "Board Certification")*
Step 4: Fellowship (Optional - Garrett wants to pursue Pulmonology [Lungs] and Critical Care which is a three year fellowship that will board certify him in both)
Step 5: Be an "attending" physician.
*Caveat - The FIRST year of residency is INTERN year. Garrett is an intern or PGY-1 (post-graduate year 1). Interns have different responsibilities than the other residents. Basically interns do the ground work supervised by the residents who are supervised by the fellows/attendings. Both Garrett's (Internal Medicine) and my (Family Medicine) residencies will be three years.
The simpler hierarchy:
1. Attending Physician, M.D.
2. Fellow, M.D.
3. Resident (PGY2-7), M.D.
4. Intern (PGY1), M.D.
5. Medical student, B.S. or B.A.
Anyway, I hope that's useful.
Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for the prayers for all of our upcoming adventures!
Kate
Monday, August 17, 2015
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Life as Dr. and Mrs. Rampon
It's hard to believe that my final year of medical school is here! It is exciting and intimidating to think that in one year I will be starting residency. I figured this would be a good time to give a life update and try (at the pleading of a grandparent) to blog more often.
When we last met, I was just one week post-op from my open heart surgery. I am now almost 11 months out! I have been so blessed in my recovery and am so glad to report that I feel awesome. I am often asked if I feel much different than before the surgery. Honestly, I don't feel much different. My exercise tolerance is higher and I suppose I get less short of breath going upstairs or things of that nature. It is difficult to say in the sense that I never had symptoms before the procedure. The only difference now is that I get pleuritic chest pain now when I get a cold or do CPR (which is unfortunate being that I am a CPR instructor and future physician). I am beyond blessed to be able to talk so nonchalantly about my recovery.
Other life updates include:
1. Being married to a doctor (yep, that's Mrs. Dr. Garrett Rampon to you!)
2. Moving to St. Louis (yep, I'm still following that silly boy around)
3. Deciding finally on going into Family Medicine
4. Adding another continent to my "Travelled" list - Serbia in August
To flesh these out...
Garrett graduated at the end of May and matched in his top choice of residencies at St. Louis University in Missouri. He began about two weeks ago with night shift in the medical intensive care unit. He has now switched to day shift, but is still tired. We are able to talk on the phone almost every evening and he seems to be adjusting well. I'm sure everyone is as impressed with him as I am. He has one year to enjoy being Dr. and Mrs. Rampon...Dr./Mrs. Kate Rampon is right around the corner (or Dr. Kate Huggins-Rampon as my loving father says).
We have moved/are moving to St. Louis. Carbie and I are holding down the fort in Memphis for another two weeks as I finish up the rotation that I missed having surgery. After this month, I will move to St. Louis and finish the vast majority of my fourth year electives up there. There is an officially unofficial thing called "Spouse Away Year" created for couples just like us. I was very blessed to be accepted to SLU School of Medicine and able to enroll in their fourth year classes. I will still graduate from UTHSC and will retain my responsibilities and connections through email and visits to Memphis. I will be returning for one class at least in March. We basically have everything moved to St. Louis with Garrett. Carbie and I can't wait to be reunited with our Garrett. Turns out that long-distance is actually harder after you have been together and been living together for a while than it was in college when we didn't know the difference.
I have made the decision to pursue family medicine as my "specialty." This decision is based on my experience throughout third year, my being a patient this year, and some tough deep "soul searching." One of my best experiences third year was on my family medicine 8-week rotation. I loved getting time to spend with the patients in clinic. I loved the variety of things that we saw and I loved watching the interactions between my preceptor and his patients. If it were not for the family medicine doctor that found my heart murmur (that no other physician had heard or worked up), I am not sure what trajectory my life would have taken. The physical consequences would have ended in either stroke or heart failure with a very high likelihood my career would have been over before it completely started. Because of the time and care that family doctor took, I am able and inspired to pay forward the time and opportunities he gave to me. Finally, the deep soul searching was honestly not that tough. Since I decided to do medicine, my mind had changed about a million times about what I wanted to do. I wanted to do procedures, deliver babies, counsel psychiatric patients, give stitches, see children, see adults, hear my geriatric patients stories, etc. With family medicine, I get to do it all! I am so excited to be joining the ranks of family physicians. Though it is not the most glamorous or highly paying field, it is were I feel the most at home. It is also the best training for me to be able to continue to pursue medical missions (happy coincidence...right?).
Finally, I am excited to announce that I will be going to Serbia with my church in the middle of August. We are going to establish and run the first annual camp for Serbian children with cancer and their families. We are going to be providing a VBS-like camp for the children and a meaningful spiritual retreat for the parents. I volunteered for one week at "Camp Star Trails" which was a similar camp for MD Anderson patients during my summer internship at Lifeline Chaplaincy. I am super excited to take those skills and experience to Serbia. Our team includes of a former Target House employee, a St. Jude fellow, a pediatrician, and a pediatric resident (happens to be the preacher's wife). We covet your prayers for this endeavor. Specifically, I ask that you pray to prepare our hearts and the hearts of the campers and families for our time together.
In closing, I want to ask for your prayers throughout this season of transition in our lives. We are excited for the changes but also anxious to see what awaits us this next year. Garrett and I have been so blessed in our (almost) two years of marriage and our five years of being together. We survived the hundreds of bug bites, amoebas, overfilled medical school classes, Memphis, medical school, board exams, and open-heart surgery at 24. We can't wait to see what comes next! We know that the Lord is faithful and has shown us incredible mercy thus far. Thanks for reading!
When we last met, I was just one week post-op from my open heart surgery. I am now almost 11 months out! I have been so blessed in my recovery and am so glad to report that I feel awesome. I am often asked if I feel much different than before the surgery. Honestly, I don't feel much different. My exercise tolerance is higher and I suppose I get less short of breath going upstairs or things of that nature. It is difficult to say in the sense that I never had symptoms before the procedure. The only difference now is that I get pleuritic chest pain now when I get a cold or do CPR (which is unfortunate being that I am a CPR instructor and future physician). I am beyond blessed to be able to talk so nonchalantly about my recovery.
Other life updates include:
1. Being married to a doctor (yep, that's Mrs. Dr. Garrett Rampon to you!)
2. Moving to St. Louis (yep, I'm still following that silly boy around)
3. Deciding finally on going into Family Medicine
4. Adding another continent to my "Travelled" list - Serbia in August
To flesh these out...
Garrett graduated at the end of May and matched in his top choice of residencies at St. Louis University in Missouri. He began about two weeks ago with night shift in the medical intensive care unit. He has now switched to day shift, but is still tired. We are able to talk on the phone almost every evening and he seems to be adjusting well. I'm sure everyone is as impressed with him as I am. He has one year to enjoy being Dr. and Mrs. Rampon...Dr./Mrs. Kate Rampon is right around the corner (or Dr. Kate Huggins-Rampon as my loving father says).
We have moved/are moving to St. Louis. Carbie and I are holding down the fort in Memphis for another two weeks as I finish up the rotation that I missed having surgery. After this month, I will move to St. Louis and finish the vast majority of my fourth year electives up there. There is an officially unofficial thing called "Spouse Away Year" created for couples just like us. I was very blessed to be accepted to SLU School of Medicine and able to enroll in their fourth year classes. I will still graduate from UTHSC and will retain my responsibilities and connections through email and visits to Memphis. I will be returning for one class at least in March. We basically have everything moved to St. Louis with Garrett. Carbie and I can't wait to be reunited with our Garrett. Turns out that long-distance is actually harder after you have been together and been living together for a while than it was in college when we didn't know the difference.
I have made the decision to pursue family medicine as my "specialty." This decision is based on my experience throughout third year, my being a patient this year, and some tough deep "soul searching." One of my best experiences third year was on my family medicine 8-week rotation. I loved getting time to spend with the patients in clinic. I loved the variety of things that we saw and I loved watching the interactions between my preceptor and his patients. If it were not for the family medicine doctor that found my heart murmur (that no other physician had heard or worked up), I am not sure what trajectory my life would have taken. The physical consequences would have ended in either stroke or heart failure with a very high likelihood my career would have been over before it completely started. Because of the time and care that family doctor took, I am able and inspired to pay forward the time and opportunities he gave to me. Finally, the deep soul searching was honestly not that tough. Since I decided to do medicine, my mind had changed about a million times about what I wanted to do. I wanted to do procedures, deliver babies, counsel psychiatric patients, give stitches, see children, see adults, hear my geriatric patients stories, etc. With family medicine, I get to do it all! I am so excited to be joining the ranks of family physicians. Though it is not the most glamorous or highly paying field, it is were I feel the most at home. It is also the best training for me to be able to continue to pursue medical missions (happy coincidence...right?).
Finally, I am excited to announce that I will be going to Serbia with my church in the middle of August. We are going to establish and run the first annual camp for Serbian children with cancer and their families. We are going to be providing a VBS-like camp for the children and a meaningful spiritual retreat for the parents. I volunteered for one week at "Camp Star Trails" which was a similar camp for MD Anderson patients during my summer internship at Lifeline Chaplaincy. I am super excited to take those skills and experience to Serbia. Our team includes of a former Target House employee, a St. Jude fellow, a pediatrician, and a pediatric resident (happens to be the preacher's wife). We covet your prayers for this endeavor. Specifically, I ask that you pray to prepare our hearts and the hearts of the campers and families for our time together.
In closing, I want to ask for your prayers throughout this season of transition in our lives. We are excited for the changes but also anxious to see what awaits us this next year. Garrett and I have been so blessed in our (almost) two years of marriage and our five years of being together. We survived the hundreds of bug bites, amoebas, overfilled medical school classes, Memphis, medical school, board exams, and open-heart surgery at 24. We can't wait to see what comes next! We know that the Lord is faithful and has shown us incredible mercy thus far. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Post-op Day 7
Hey there friends and family!
Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, and support of my family and me throughout this experience.
First off, everything went really well. The surgery went off without a hitch and recovery without complications. For those who are interested, I will walk through the days briefly so that you can appreciate the effect that your prayers had on last week. The asterisks (*) are for "on the early side of their predictions." For those who are not, please skip to "Here's the Kicker"
Day 0- Surgery started at 8am. They closed up around 12pm*. I was taken to CV-ICU to recover with my breathing tube still in. I started to wake up around 2pm*. The breathing tube came out around 4pm* and then they sat me up*. (I don't actually remember much of anything about Monday except that my brother Wade played worship music for me as I woke up.) Just before my breathing tube came out, they gave me an alphabet board to communicate with. Unfortunately for the first few attempts, the letters walked all over the page and I couldn't manage to trap them effectively with my fingers. But after a bit, I managed to spell out "A FIB" trying to ask if my heart was in normal rhythm. It was and has been the whole time. Praise the Lord! I was also apparently very concerned with asking everyone in the room if they had eaten lunch yet...
Husband brag - My pain that evening was out of control despite the medication they had me on. Garrett, in his almost MD wisdom, asked the nurse practitioner if they could give me toradol (like really strong advil) to help with the inflammation. They did and it became my miracle drug for the next three days. He also spent the night in the ICU with me and was woken up every two hours for glucose draws and vital sign checks. He said he will think twice before ordering anything q2 hr (every two hours) for patients in the future because he realizes just how little rest they get.
Day 1- Sat up all morning*. Got all of my tubes out* except for my pericardial drain, chest tube, and peripheral IV lines. Walked around the ICU unit* and then walked to my step-down room down the hall*. Sat up most of the afternoon and got to visit with some of Garrett's good friends, my parents, Wade, and my grandparents.
Day 2 - Sat up all day and walked 4-5 times. Got my chest tube and pericardial drain out. That was 100% the oddest feeling I have ever felt. It was kind of like a snake slithering out from behind my ribs and then biting me as it came out. The nurse practioner thought I tolerated it well. Honestly, I thought they would pull them out separately so I closed my eyes and stayed quiet through the first one and was preparing myself for the second one when she said, "All done," so I basically only endured half the pain I was expecting.
Day 3 - Had a great surprise from Dr. Petracek! He came in during the morning and told me I was going home. This was after the nurse practioner had said that I would be inpatient until day 4 because he "never let anyone go before day 4." But we went home around lunch time to my amazing in-laws house in Thompson Station about 45 minutes from Vanderbilt. That night we had a family dinner with Garrett, the Rampons, and my parents at their house. It was such a blessing to have both of our amazing parents together for a time of thanksgiving and relaxation for everyone.
Day 4 - I hung out at the Rampon's all morning while Garrett went out with his dad for some father-son time and his Memphis! My parents surprised me with an early birthday present of a recliner to aid in my recovery and I am so grateful. I am writing from it right now.
mom went to work. Then we went to lunch at Nashville's best pizza place, De Sano's with Garrett's brother and sister-in-law, Kenneth and Kristen. Finally, I took a big dose of pain meds and woke up three hours later in
Since getting home, I have been watching a lot of Today show, movies, reading and walking on the treadmill every day to try to not be too sedentary. Don't worry, this is all approved by the real doc and my in-house staff (Garrett).
I have been so blessed. There are no words for the provision and healing I have felt in this process. All credit and glory go to our great God for his work in my life. If you don't believe in Divine timing, let me tell you one more thing.
Here's the Kicker: During the surgery, Dr. Petracek came upon a blood clot in my heart which was just waiting to give me a pulmonary embolus or a stroke. We didn't know about this clot but a lot of people who present in adulthood with an ASD present with a stroke.
Going into the surgery, I thought we were protecting my heart down the road not protecting my life and my brain from imminent danger. I can't tell you in words, especially on blog, how deeply this impacts me. God has a plan for me and spared my life and my mind for His purpose. That's overwhelming. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find out why.
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers!
Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, and support of my family and me throughout this experience.
First off, everything went really well. The surgery went off without a hitch and recovery without complications. For those who are interested, I will walk through the days briefly so that you can appreciate the effect that your prayers had on last week. The asterisks (*) are for "on the early side of their predictions." For those who are not, please skip to "Here's the Kicker"
Day 0- Surgery started at 8am. They closed up around 12pm*. I was taken to CV-ICU to recover with my breathing tube still in. I started to wake up around 2pm*. The breathing tube came out around 4pm* and then they sat me up*. (I don't actually remember much of anything about Monday except that my brother Wade played worship music for me as I woke up.) Just before my breathing tube came out, they gave me an alphabet board to communicate with. Unfortunately for the first few attempts, the letters walked all over the page and I couldn't manage to trap them effectively with my fingers. But after a bit, I managed to spell out "A FIB" trying to ask if my heart was in normal rhythm. It was and has been the whole time. Praise the Lord! I was also apparently very concerned with asking everyone in the room if they had eaten lunch yet...
Husband brag - My pain that evening was out of control despite the medication they had me on. Garrett, in his almost MD wisdom, asked the nurse practitioner if they could give me toradol (like really strong advil) to help with the inflammation. They did and it became my miracle drug for the next three days. He also spent the night in the ICU with me and was woken up every two hours for glucose draws and vital sign checks. He said he will think twice before ordering anything q2 hr (every two hours) for patients in the future because he realizes just how little rest they get.
Day 1- Sat up all morning*. Got all of my tubes out* except for my pericardial drain, chest tube, and peripheral IV lines. Walked around the ICU unit* and then walked to my step-down room down the hall*. Sat up most of the afternoon and got to visit with some of Garrett's good friends, my parents, Wade, and my grandparents.
Day 2 - Sat up all day and walked 4-5 times. Got my chest tube and pericardial drain out. That was 100% the oddest feeling I have ever felt. It was kind of like a snake slithering out from behind my ribs and then biting me as it came out. The nurse practioner thought I tolerated it well. Honestly, I thought they would pull them out separately so I closed my eyes and stayed quiet through the first one and was preparing myself for the second one when she said, "All done," so I basically only endured half the pain I was expecting.
Day 3 - Had a great surprise from Dr. Petracek! He came in during the morning and told me I was going home. This was after the nurse practioner had said that I would be inpatient until day 4 because he "never let anyone go before day 4." But we went home around lunch time to my amazing in-laws house in Thompson Station about 45 minutes from Vanderbilt. That night we had a family dinner with Garrett, the Rampons, and my parents at their house. It was such a blessing to have both of our amazing parents together for a time of thanksgiving and relaxation for everyone.
Day 4 - I hung out at the Rampon's all morning while Garrett went out with his dad for some father-son time and his Memphis! My parents surprised me with an early birthday present of a recliner to aid in my recovery and I am so grateful. I am writing from it right now.
mom went to work. Then we went to lunch at Nashville's best pizza place, De Sano's with Garrett's brother and sister-in-law, Kenneth and Kristen. Finally, I took a big dose of pain meds and woke up three hours later in
Since getting home, I have been watching a lot of Today show, movies, reading and walking on the treadmill every day to try to not be too sedentary. Don't worry, this is all approved by the real doc and my in-house staff (Garrett).I have been so blessed. There are no words for the provision and healing I have felt in this process. All credit and glory go to our great God for his work in my life. If you don't believe in Divine timing, let me tell you one more thing.
Here's the Kicker: During the surgery, Dr. Petracek came upon a blood clot in my heart which was just waiting to give me a pulmonary embolus or a stroke. We didn't know about this clot but a lot of people who present in adulthood with an ASD present with a stroke.
Going into the surgery, I thought we were protecting my heart down the road not protecting my life and my brain from imminent danger. I can't tell you in words, especially on blog, how deeply this impacts me. God has a plan for me and spared my life and my mind for His purpose. That's overwhelming. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find out why.
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Preparing for Surgery
Hi friends and family!
I wanted to give you all an update on everything as we are now just two weeks out from surgery. First off, I am still feeling fine. The only thing that I have really changed about my routine is I have not been exercising as intensely as I was. I have found that though I feel fine, it makes me really anxious to get my heart rate up above 160 or so. Being anxious complicates getting your heart rate back down, so I figure that for the next two weeks 45 min on the treadmill walking 4-5 days a week will be fine.
Other adjustment made are taking iron supplements to keep my blood counts as perfect as possible and detoxing from caffeine. I figure the surgeons probably won't care if I get a caffeine headache but I will, so I am all the way down to one cup of decaf (not completely caffeine free).
I am nervous, of course I am. But I have really felt the strength and peace of all of your prayers throughout this. My family and I are confident in the ways that God has blessed us throughout this so far and will continue to carry us though. I am blessed to have been equipped with lots of stress and anxiety reducing practices from my experience in medical school. I already know things that work for me and things that don't. Journalling, yoga, and (don't laugh) deep breathing really help me focus on the here and now versus that hypotheticals that can drive me in circles. If you have never tried taking a 5 second inhale, pause, 5 second exhale, pause... for one minute, you might be amazed how much that can refocus your thoughts towards more productive things. [If interested in my personal technique, I'll attach it to the end of my post.]
Now for some details about the surgery. It will be August 25 at 8:00am at Vanderbilt in Nashville. Dr. Michael Petracek (Pet-race-ick) will be the surgeon. He has done over 2500 of these surgeries and does 4-5 of these approaches per week. By "approach" I mean right chest incisions described below. He and Vanderbilt itself, are widely regarded as being excellent at what they do. Dr. Petracek is the chair of department of cardiac surgery. I asked him how long I would be out of work for and he said, "one week at least." I thought I had misheard him, but he clarified, "I've had a doc go back to clinic a week after surgery. You will be really sore and I don't recommend it, but you could go back after a week if you needed to." We agreed that four weeks (the increment my school makes the easiest) should be good but we will obviously take more time if I need it.
As far as the actual surgery, there will be about three incisions. They will hook me up to the heart and lung bypass machine through my femoral artery. This will keep my blood pumping and oxygenated while they work on my heart. There will be a catheter in my neck called a Swan-Ganz that will snake down to my heart and help them drain part of the heart for the surgery. Finally the main incision will be on my right chest through my ribs around where the bottom of a bra sits (image on the right versus zipper on the left). That will be where they push everything aside to work on my heart. They will get everything working, cool my body down to decrease metabolic demands, and then paralyze my heart. They will enter the heart through the right atrium and sew a bovine pericardium (covering of a cow's heart) patch into where my septum should have been. When that is in place they will start everything back up again (Whew!) and check with ultrasound to make sure that there aren't any leaks. Then they will back-track and sew everything up. The surgery will take between 3-4 hours all together.
The main risk that I will be facing after surgery is an arrhythmia. The heart conducts electricity to make it beat but you can't see the wires with the naked eye. They know about where everything plugs in, but there is always a risk that they could nick a wire and upset how my heart is beating. Most likely this would put me into a rhythm called atrial fibrillation (which some older people go into because they are old). The main risk of this is blood clots because the blood gets jiggled around and get sticky. So if this happens, I will probably be asked to take an aspirin to thin my blood until my heart heals and flips back into it's normal rhythm.
We anticipate that I will spend 24-48 hours in ICU and then 4-5 days in the hospital. We are going to wait and see on coming back to Memphis. But that is the plan. If you have any other questions, just let me know. Thank you all so much for the prayers and support!
Praying and Breathing:
I actually learned breathing practices by a different name from my training to go to American Samoa in 2008. During that session, we were praying an abbreviated "Jesus prayer" and encouraged to match it with our breathing. Breathing in, we pray "Lord Jesus Christ"; breathing out "have mercy on me, a sinner." Actually, according to a Ph.D. psychologist at Vanderbilt that I met this week, taking a longer exhale than inhale helps to relax the body. So naturally, the extra syllables of "on me, a sinner" prolong the exhale to provide additional benefit. The benefits of praying are obvious, but I would add that this provides a cadence so that you don't need an app with swirling lights or a clock to time your breaths to.
I wanted to give you all an update on everything as we are now just two weeks out from surgery. First off, I am still feeling fine. The only thing that I have really changed about my routine is I have not been exercising as intensely as I was. I have found that though I feel fine, it makes me really anxious to get my heart rate up above 160 or so. Being anxious complicates getting your heart rate back down, so I figure that for the next two weeks 45 min on the treadmill walking 4-5 days a week will be fine.
I am nervous, of course I am. But I have really felt the strength and peace of all of your prayers throughout this. My family and I are confident in the ways that God has blessed us throughout this so far and will continue to carry us though. I am blessed to have been equipped with lots of stress and anxiety reducing practices from my experience in medical school. I already know things that work for me and things that don't. Journalling, yoga, and (don't laugh) deep breathing really help me focus on the here and now versus that hypotheticals that can drive me in circles. If you have never tried taking a 5 second inhale, pause, 5 second exhale, pause... for one minute, you might be amazed how much that can refocus your thoughts towards more productive things. [If interested in my personal technique, I'll attach it to the end of my post.]
Now for some details about the surgery. It will be August 25 at 8:00am at Vanderbilt in Nashville. Dr. Michael Petracek (Pet-race-ick) will be the surgeon. He has done over 2500 of these surgeries and does 4-5 of these approaches per week. By "approach" I mean right chest incisions described below. He and Vanderbilt itself, are widely regarded as being excellent at what they do. Dr. Petracek is the chair of department of cardiac surgery. I asked him how long I would be out of work for and he said, "one week at least." I thought I had misheard him, but he clarified, "I've had a doc go back to clinic a week after surgery. You will be really sore and I don't recommend it, but you could go back after a week if you needed to." We agreed that four weeks (the increment my school makes the easiest) should be good but we will obviously take more time if I need it.
As far as the actual surgery, there will be about three incisions. They will hook me up to the heart and lung bypass machine through my femoral artery. This will keep my blood pumping and oxygenated while they work on my heart. There will be a catheter in my neck called a Swan-Ganz that will snake down to my heart and help them drain part of the heart for the surgery. Finally the main incision will be on my right chest through my ribs around where the bottom of a bra sits (image on the right versus zipper on the left). That will be where they push everything aside to work on my heart. They will get everything working, cool my body down to decrease metabolic demands, and then paralyze my heart. They will enter the heart through the right atrium and sew a bovine pericardium (covering of a cow's heart) patch into where my septum should have been. When that is in place they will start everything back up again (Whew!) and check with ultrasound to make sure that there aren't any leaks. Then they will back-track and sew everything up. The surgery will take between 3-4 hours all together.The main risk that I will be facing after surgery is an arrhythmia. The heart conducts electricity to make it beat but you can't see the wires with the naked eye. They know about where everything plugs in, but there is always a risk that they could nick a wire and upset how my heart is beating. Most likely this would put me into a rhythm called atrial fibrillation (which some older people go into because they are old). The main risk of this is blood clots because the blood gets jiggled around and get sticky. So if this happens, I will probably be asked to take an aspirin to thin my blood until my heart heals and flips back into it's normal rhythm.
We anticipate that I will spend 24-48 hours in ICU and then 4-5 days in the hospital. We are going to wait and see on coming back to Memphis. But that is the plan. If you have any other questions, just let me know. Thank you all so much for the prayers and support!
Praying and Breathing:
I actually learned breathing practices by a different name from my training to go to American Samoa in 2008. During that session, we were praying an abbreviated "Jesus prayer" and encouraged to match it with our breathing. Breathing in, we pray "Lord Jesus Christ"; breathing out "have mercy on me, a sinner." Actually, according to a Ph.D. psychologist at Vanderbilt that I met this week, taking a longer exhale than inhale helps to relax the body. So naturally, the extra syllables of "on me, a sinner" prolong the exhale to provide additional benefit. The benefits of praying are obvious, but I would add that this provides a cadence so that you don't need an app with swirling lights or a clock to time your breaths to.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
My Big Heart
Hey friends and family,
I just wanted to give you guys a central place to get updates on my current little hiccup health-wise. As most of you will have noticed, I waited a while to talk about this on Facebook so that my family and I would have more information when the questions came. So here is the story from the beginning.
March 2014: I went to my PCP before I started studying for USMLE Step 1 for a check up. He heard a heart murmur which he described as a "pan-systolic flow murmur". I had been told I might have a little heart murmur when I was in seventh grade but we were assured it was nothing to worry about. I went back two weeks later and he heard the murmur again. We decided to pursue an echocardiogram (ultrasound of the heart) to make 100% sure that there wasn't anything to the murmur. I have never had chest pain or symptoms so we just "knew" it would be nothing to worry about.
April 2014: I finally got around to having my echo two days after taking Step 1. The ultrasound tech mentioned on her first view of my heart that she could tell that the right side of my heart was too big to fit on the screen like it should. She took all of the pictures she could and kept "hmph-ing" to herself perplexed at why the right side of my heart was so big. She walked outside to see if there was a cardiologist who could make sure she was doing everything she needed to and brought Dr. Garg in. He knew within the first minute or so of flipping through my scans that I had a hole in my heart. That was a shock. He told me he would get back in contact with me later in the day after he had done calculations.
He called me back a few hours later to tell me that I had an atrial septal defect. That's a hole between the right and left atria (septum = wall). At that point he said that my right heart was twice the size it was supposed to be because of this defect and that it would need to be corrected. He said we had to do a cardiac MRI to figure out how big it was and what approach we could use to fix it.
MEDICAL INFO TIME:
I am not a cardiologist, but if you are confused on what I mean by ASD or atrial septal defect...
You have four heart chambers. Up top we have atria (singular atrium) and down low we have ventricles. The blood is supposed to flow as follows: Body --> Right atrium --> Right ventricle --> Lungs --> Left atrium --> Left ventricle --> Body. It obviously gets oxygen from the lungs to feed the rest of the body. The heart is obviously just a pump attached to a lot of flexible pipes. The size of the pipes depends on the thickness of the pipes and the pressure (which depends on the volume) of the flow through the pipes.
My heart flows as follows: Body --> Right atrium --> Right ventricle --> Lungs --> Left atrium...some goes through the hole back to the right atrium and some goes --> Left ventricle --> Body. Because there is more volume in my right atrium and ventricle, there is more pressure and that pressure has made the right side of my heart expand. Basically my right heart is doing twice the work yours is if you are normal.
Yes, this has been present my whole life. When you are in the womb, your heart starts off as a single tube. It then divides into your main vein (vena cava), one atrium, one ventricle, and then your main artery (aorta). As it grows and beats, it twists around itself and grows one septum to separate the atria and one septum to separate the ventricles. The wall between my atria only grew to about 25% of what was supposed to be there. Usually, they can figure out what went wrong based on how the hole looks. Turns out mine is too big for them to even figure that out.
Back to the story:
The next step was to find out if they could fix it with the catheter from my leg and a man-made patch or if they would have to do open-heart surgery to fix it with a piece of my own tissue that they could cut down to size.
May 2014: I got my cardiac MRI and Dr. Donovan (the radiologist) asked me to come to his office so he could explain the films to me because I am a student (very generous of him). He explained that because my right heart was actually pumping three times as much as it should have been (not two like the echo said), I would definitely have to have it repaired sooner rather than later. Also, the MRI revealed that my heart didn't have enough of the wall to attach the man-made patch to. Unfortunately, that is where we are now...scheduling open heart surgery.
Yep, that's right. As an asymptomatic, healthy 24-year-old, I have earned myself a ticket to open heart surgery. Pretty crazy. And yes, we are talking crack my chest, put me on heart and lung machines, stop my heart, operate, restart my heart kind of heart surgery.
We are investigating different options of possibly not having to have the massive zipper-looking scar down the middle of my chest called minimally invasive approaches. We are hopeful that we can find a surgeon that will spare me the horrible scar. The bottom line is we have to get this fixed before my heart gets any bigger and decides it's tired and can't handle the load. That is called heart failure. We are also preventing something called pulmonary hypertension which would eventually head me towards transplant. I am quite attached to my own heart, so we will be doing this soon. How soon, you ask?
Because of my school schedule, I am hoping for either July or September. However, cardiothoracic surgeons care relatively little about my school schedule, so we will see.
I would like to end with my list of things to be thankful for in this season. This is just a beginning of the huge list as God has revealed such faithfulness every step of this journey.
1. My awesome level-headed husband and super-supportive family
2. Not having symptoms or pulmonary hypertension
3. A cardiologist who really cares and gets me information fast
4. A radiologist who still texts me to check for updates
5. An awesome team at "work" who let's me go to appointments when I have to
6. A super understanding medical school who has encouraged me to take care of myself
7. The prayers of all who already know
8. My friends who are already planning a "Get well party"
9. Everyone who has been supporting my family as this is immeasurably hard on them
10. Friends in the medical field helping me get recommendations
11. Dr. Garg's nurse Lisa who is setting up appointments with surgeons right now so I don't have to and calling my insurance and all that jazz.
12. Access to medical care and diagnostic tests I need and medical knowledge to help me answer my own questions.
13. My normal EKG last Monday showing me that my heart is still being awesome at what it does and working perfectly with what it has got
I guess that is coolest thing about this...my heart has been doing triple the work it is supposed to and keeping up well-enough for me not to have ANY symptoms or problems. If nothing else, that assures me that God has put a fighter heart in me that will take this surgery in stride and appreciate the relief it will bring.
I appreciate all of your prayers and support. Feel free to contact me with any questions.
FAQs:
Yes, my heart should shrink back down to normal after the surgery. It will start to feel the relief and start to remodel within one hour of the surgery (WOW) and take about 6 months to a year to get back down to normal.
Yes, I will have to go to the CV-ICU for a day (hopefully only a day) and then be in the hospital for a few days.
Yes, I have contacted people in Memphis and Vanderbilt. No, I have not contacted Mayo.
No, this isn't super rare. Actually some people have tiny ones that never cause problems.
No, the murmur shouldn't have been louder earlier in life. This murmur comes from blood rushing through a pipe or hole. My hole is so big it's not making that much noise because there's not really anything stopping it from flowing there.
Yes, every surgery has risks. However, this is not a complicated procedure for CT surgeons to perform. Most heart surgeons have done lots of these.
Yes, it will be safe for me to have kiddos later. They said give it about a year post-op and my heart should look like normal.
No, that doesn't mean we will have a kid in a year. Sorry, Mom.
I just wanted to give you guys a central place to get updates on my current little hiccup health-wise. As most of you will have noticed, I waited a while to talk about this on Facebook so that my family and I would have more information when the questions came. So here is the story from the beginning.
March 2014: I went to my PCP before I started studying for USMLE Step 1 for a check up. He heard a heart murmur which he described as a "pan-systolic flow murmur". I had been told I might have a little heart murmur when I was in seventh grade but we were assured it was nothing to worry about. I went back two weeks later and he heard the murmur again. We decided to pursue an echocardiogram (ultrasound of the heart) to make 100% sure that there wasn't anything to the murmur. I have never had chest pain or symptoms so we just "knew" it would be nothing to worry about.
April 2014: I finally got around to having my echo two days after taking Step 1. The ultrasound tech mentioned on her first view of my heart that she could tell that the right side of my heart was too big to fit on the screen like it should. She took all of the pictures she could and kept "hmph-ing" to herself perplexed at why the right side of my heart was so big. She walked outside to see if there was a cardiologist who could make sure she was doing everything she needed to and brought Dr. Garg in. He knew within the first minute or so of flipping through my scans that I had a hole in my heart. That was a shock. He told me he would get back in contact with me later in the day after he had done calculations.
He called me back a few hours later to tell me that I had an atrial septal defect. That's a hole between the right and left atria (septum = wall). At that point he said that my right heart was twice the size it was supposed to be because of this defect and that it would need to be corrected. He said we had to do a cardiac MRI to figure out how big it was and what approach we could use to fix it.
MEDICAL INFO TIME:
I am not a cardiologist, but if you are confused on what I mean by ASD or atrial septal defect...
You have four heart chambers. Up top we have atria (singular atrium) and down low we have ventricles. The blood is supposed to flow as follows: Body --> Right atrium --> Right ventricle --> Lungs --> Left atrium --> Left ventricle --> Body. It obviously gets oxygen from the lungs to feed the rest of the body. The heart is obviously just a pump attached to a lot of flexible pipes. The size of the pipes depends on the thickness of the pipes and the pressure (which depends on the volume) of the flow through the pipes.
My heart flows as follows: Body --> Right atrium --> Right ventricle --> Lungs --> Left atrium...some goes through the hole back to the right atrium and some goes --> Left ventricle --> Body. Because there is more volume in my right atrium and ventricle, there is more pressure and that pressure has made the right side of my heart expand. Basically my right heart is doing twice the work yours is if you are normal.
Yes, this has been present my whole life. When you are in the womb, your heart starts off as a single tube. It then divides into your main vein (vena cava), one atrium, one ventricle, and then your main artery (aorta). As it grows and beats, it twists around itself and grows one septum to separate the atria and one septum to separate the ventricles. The wall between my atria only grew to about 25% of what was supposed to be there. Usually, they can figure out what went wrong based on how the hole looks. Turns out mine is too big for them to even figure that out.
Back to the story:
The next step was to find out if they could fix it with the catheter from my leg and a man-made patch or if they would have to do open-heart surgery to fix it with a piece of my own tissue that they could cut down to size.
May 2014: I got my cardiac MRI and Dr. Donovan (the radiologist) asked me to come to his office so he could explain the films to me because I am a student (very generous of him). He explained that because my right heart was actually pumping three times as much as it should have been (not two like the echo said), I would definitely have to have it repaired sooner rather than later. Also, the MRI revealed that my heart didn't have enough of the wall to attach the man-made patch to. Unfortunately, that is where we are now...scheduling open heart surgery.
Yep, that's right. As an asymptomatic, healthy 24-year-old, I have earned myself a ticket to open heart surgery. Pretty crazy. And yes, we are talking crack my chest, put me on heart and lung machines, stop my heart, operate, restart my heart kind of heart surgery.
We are investigating different options of possibly not having to have the massive zipper-looking scar down the middle of my chest called minimally invasive approaches. We are hopeful that we can find a surgeon that will spare me the horrible scar. The bottom line is we have to get this fixed before my heart gets any bigger and decides it's tired and can't handle the load. That is called heart failure. We are also preventing something called pulmonary hypertension which would eventually head me towards transplant. I am quite attached to my own heart, so we will be doing this soon. How soon, you ask?
Because of my school schedule, I am hoping for either July or September. However, cardiothoracic surgeons care relatively little about my school schedule, so we will see.
I would like to end with my list of things to be thankful for in this season. This is just a beginning of the huge list as God has revealed such faithfulness every step of this journey.
1. My awesome level-headed husband and super-supportive family
2. Not having symptoms or pulmonary hypertension
3. A cardiologist who really cares and gets me information fast
4. A radiologist who still texts me to check for updates
5. An awesome team at "work" who let's me go to appointments when I have to
6. A super understanding medical school who has encouraged me to take care of myself
7. The prayers of all who already know
8. My friends who are already planning a "Get well party"
9. Everyone who has been supporting my family as this is immeasurably hard on them
10. Friends in the medical field helping me get recommendations
11. Dr. Garg's nurse Lisa who is setting up appointments with surgeons right now so I don't have to and calling my insurance and all that jazz.
12. Access to medical care and diagnostic tests I need and medical knowledge to help me answer my own questions.
13. My normal EKG last Monday showing me that my heart is still being awesome at what it does and working perfectly with what it has got
I guess that is coolest thing about this...my heart has been doing triple the work it is supposed to and keeping up well-enough for me not to have ANY symptoms or problems. If nothing else, that assures me that God has put a fighter heart in me that will take this surgery in stride and appreciate the relief it will bring.
I appreciate all of your prayers and support. Feel free to contact me with any questions.
FAQs:
Yes, my heart should shrink back down to normal after the surgery. It will start to feel the relief and start to remodel within one hour of the surgery (WOW) and take about 6 months to a year to get back down to normal.
Yes, I will have to go to the CV-ICU for a day (hopefully only a day) and then be in the hospital for a few days.
Yes, I have contacted people in Memphis and Vanderbilt. No, I have not contacted Mayo.
No, this isn't super rare. Actually some people have tiny ones that never cause problems.
No, the murmur shouldn't have been louder earlier in life. This murmur comes from blood rushing through a pipe or hole. My hole is so big it's not making that much noise because there's not really anything stopping it from flowing there.
Yes, every surgery has risks. However, this is not a complicated procedure for CT surgeons to perform. Most heart surgeons have done lots of these.
Yes, it will be safe for me to have kiddos later. They said give it about a year post-op and my heart should look like normal.
No, that doesn't mean we will have a kid in a year. Sorry, Mom.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Anatomical Reflection
This is the reflection written for our cadaver memorial by my anatomy lab dissection group as we near the end of gross anatomy. I think it sums up our journey this semester perfectly.
-
Upon entering medical school, as students we first thought about our cadaver as a means to an end, just a human body with structures and relationships to memorize. It only took one day’s dissection, however, to make us realize that this human body was not just a learning tool but also an incredibly generous gift. Through it, we have grown to appreciate the sacrifice that many have made for our future as physicians.
The anatomy lab has traditionally been a rite of passage, a test of “intestinal fortitude” against the smells of preservatives and decay as well as the ability to memorize as many intricate details of the human body as possible. While some days we were frustrated by the nonconformity or complexity of our patient, we found a second wind of motivation from our deep gratitude to each anatomical donor. Because of their gift to us, we are allowed a unique hands-on perspective into anatomical relationships that no text or other resource can match.
We will never forget how the muscles, nerves, arteries, and organs all orchestrated this man’s emotions, thoughts, and actions, though we will never truly know him. We will never know what his voice sounded like, though we know the contours of his larynx. We will never know what would make him smile, though we understand the position of his facial muscles. His scarred lungs or the screws in his fibula force us to consider our shared experiences as human beings, though we will never know the circumstances behind them. There is much of his “humanity” that will always be a mystery to us even though we have
delved through almost every part of his body.
Still, there is so much more to humanity than the biology and chemistry inside of us. Years down the road, we want to remember that being human involves more than what the eye can see. We now have the structural foundation upon which we may better understand our patients, not simply as biological machines but as complete persons. We cannot underestimate the complexity of our nature, and we are obligated sincerely to give thanks for the generosity of our cadaver who enabled us to gain these insights.
-
Upon entering medical school, as students we first thought about our cadaver as a means to an end, just a human body with structures and relationships to memorize. It only took one day’s dissection, however, to make us realize that this human body was not just a learning tool but also an incredibly generous gift. Through it, we have grown to appreciate the sacrifice that many have made for our future as physicians.
The anatomy lab has traditionally been a rite of passage, a test of “intestinal fortitude” against the smells of preservatives and decay as well as the ability to memorize as many intricate details of the human body as possible. While some days we were frustrated by the nonconformity or complexity of our patient, we found a second wind of motivation from our deep gratitude to each anatomical donor. Because of their gift to us, we are allowed a unique hands-on perspective into anatomical relationships that no text or other resource can match.
We will never forget how the muscles, nerves, arteries, and organs all orchestrated this man’s emotions, thoughts, and actions, though we will never truly know him. We will never know what his voice sounded like, though we know the contours of his larynx. We will never know what would make him smile, though we understand the position of his facial muscles. His scarred lungs or the screws in his fibula force us to consider our shared experiences as human beings, though we will never know the circumstances behind them. There is much of his “humanity” that will always be a mystery to us even though we have
delved through almost every part of his body.
Still, there is so much more to humanity than the biology and chemistry inside of us. Years down the road, we want to remember that being human involves more than what the eye can see. We now have the structural foundation upon which we may better understand our patients, not simply as biological machines but as complete persons. We cannot underestimate the complexity of our nature, and we are obligated sincerely to give thanks for the generosity of our cadaver who enabled us to gain these insights.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
New Beginning
Hi Readers! Again it has been almost 5-6 months since my last post. I guess not that much has been going on in the big picture of life.
As many of you know, last week, I started medical school at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center in Memphis, TN. Although I am still not fully adjusted to being out of the great state, I am finding this to be exactly the place for me.
If you had told me a year ago what my life would look like right now, I would never have believed you. I am so blessed to be where I am with who I am with. I have grown to love Memphis and (almost) all of it's quirks. It's an interesting place to live because there is a lot of work to be done. There is a lot of reconciliation from past generations and scars that are more apparent here than anywhere else that I have lived (which isn't saying too much).
Medical school (at least at this point, 1.5 weeks in) is so much more than I could have hoped for or imagined. There is a lot to do and learn and study but I am actually feeling really good about this decision (ask me in another 1.5 weeks right after my first test). I don't think that I could have chosen anything better for myself. If you have known me for a while, you know that medicine was never my plan to begin with, but a journey that God led me to, kicking and screaming at points. I believe that God knows my heart and soul in such an intimate way that because I asked, He led me to where I am supposed to be.
The first day of gross anatomy might have been the best single day of my life. Now obviously there is fierce competition for that spot (i.e. time with family, Samoa, Uruguay, Chile, Guatemala, time with friends, etc.) but in terms of the coolest thing by far I have ever seen was opening one of the most generous gifts that a person can give. It strikes me every single time I walk into the lab that these people made conscious decisions to give their bodies for my education without even knowing me or what kind of doctor I would become. It is a true gift of the person and the family. I am so grateful-- there is no other way to learn human anatomy.
I love the blend in medicine of people and science. I am a curious person and love to explore, question, understand and tinker with things. However, I am also very dependent on social interaction for fulfillment. I love how medicine is now a "team sport" as it was called in our orientation week. I love that in the first weeks here we are taught explicitly about being professional, personal, and caring for our patients. I really thought that medicine would mold me into something that I am not, and that may still be true. But not right now. I can say with confidence that medicine (right now) is molding me in to something that I already am.
I have no illusions that this is not going to be an easy path. It is one of the most difficult ambitions to pursue. That is why I am glad though, that it was never my plan to begin with. It's all about becoming the person that God created me to be. I know (at least right now) that the healing and restorative work in my life will be through medicine. I hope I never lose sight of my passion and motivation for this life, the redemptive work of the Creator for His creations.
As many of you know, last week, I started medical school at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center in Memphis, TN. Although I am still not fully adjusted to being out of the great state, I am finding this to be exactly the place for me.
If you had told me a year ago what my life would look like right now, I would never have believed you. I am so blessed to be where I am with who I am with. I have grown to love Memphis and (almost) all of it's quirks. It's an interesting place to live because there is a lot of work to be done. There is a lot of reconciliation from past generations and scars that are more apparent here than anywhere else that I have lived (which isn't saying too much).
Medical school (at least at this point, 1.5 weeks in) is so much more than I could have hoped for or imagined. There is a lot to do and learn and study but I am actually feeling really good about this decision (ask me in another 1.5 weeks right after my first test). I don't think that I could have chosen anything better for myself. If you have known me for a while, you know that medicine was never my plan to begin with, but a journey that God led me to, kicking and screaming at points. I believe that God knows my heart and soul in such an intimate way that because I asked, He led me to where I am supposed to be.
The first day of gross anatomy might have been the best single day of my life. Now obviously there is fierce competition for that spot (i.e. time with family, Samoa, Uruguay, Chile, Guatemala, time with friends, etc.) but in terms of the coolest thing by far I have ever seen was opening one of the most generous gifts that a person can give. It strikes me every single time I walk into the lab that these people made conscious decisions to give their bodies for my education without even knowing me or what kind of doctor I would become. It is a true gift of the person and the family. I am so grateful-- there is no other way to learn human anatomy.
I love the blend in medicine of people and science. I am a curious person and love to explore, question, understand and tinker with things. However, I am also very dependent on social interaction for fulfillment. I love how medicine is now a "team sport" as it was called in our orientation week. I love that in the first weeks here we are taught explicitly about being professional, personal, and caring for our patients. I really thought that medicine would mold me into something that I am not, and that may still be true. But not right now. I can say with confidence that medicine (right now) is molding me in to something that I already am.
I have no illusions that this is not going to be an easy path. It is one of the most difficult ambitions to pursue. That is why I am glad though, that it was never my plan to begin with. It's all about becoming the person that God created me to be. I know (at least right now) that the healing and restorative work in my life will be through medicine. I hope I never lose sight of my passion and motivation for this life, the redemptive work of the Creator for His creations.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Update on Life
Hey readers. I can't believe it has been almost 6 months since I posted anything on my life here in Tennessee. I apologize for that. Please know that life up here has been a little crazy as my family, Garrett, and I struggled down this road to get to where I am now.
Now I can confidently say that I am in a good place where I feel comfortable updating everyone on the whole process.
Where med school is concerned, I have made some changes that I am very confident in. It is a long story, but I have decided to give up Texas A&M and pursue my medical education at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center where Garrett is a first year. Initially, I did not thinik that I would be allowed to apply or if I did, even remotely considered. However, God has worked through this situation with me. Without going through everything, I think it will suffice to say that I am on the waiting list for UT and will hopefully get to start in August. Plans do change and I am learning the art and virtue of being flexible where life plans are concerned.
Garrett and I have found a church home that we have really grown to love. It's a small church, under 100 members, and doesn't have a building. We meet in the bottom floor of a hotel in downtown Memphis. It's about 5 minutes from where I live and the church is really intentional about getting out into our community to make a difference and spread the kingdom of God. Garrett and I are involved in the couples small group and I attend the women's small group as well. Once a month, we go out to an outreach to make and serve dinner to some of the homeless population. The church family has really been our main body of support in Memphis. It has been such a huge blessing.
Work at the Church Health Center continues as well. I spent eight months working on the phones and at the front desk to start off with. Although it was a bit harder to get up and go to work in the morning than it is now, I feel incredibly blessed to have had that experience. I learned a lot about how real practices work behind the scenes. I have matured a lot just from having a real job that wasn't always super fun.
Now I work back in the clinic scribing for an internal medicine doctor. Basically, I am his right hand where computer things are concerned, putting in orders, printing prescriptions, and the like. I also get patients from the waiting room and take their vitals, etc. The doc I work with, Dr. Jennings, is a great Christian man and a great teacher. He's been in practice for over 30 years in private practice and resource clinic settings. I have learned so much since starting to work with him. I honestly look forward to going into work in the mornings and staying late is no struggle. I know that the experiences I am gaining now are going to be invaluable as I move futher into the medical field in the near future.
Finally, Garrett and I are doing great. We have really enjoyed being in the same place (obviously) and are so grateful for the support that we have received. God has been so good to us. Garrett has been a wonderful support and done a great job prioritizing with school and everything else.
Anyway, I think that is all I have to report on for now. Thanks for sticking with me and thanks for the prayers as always.
Now I can confidently say that I am in a good place where I feel comfortable updating everyone on the whole process.
Where med school is concerned, I have made some changes that I am very confident in. It is a long story, but I have decided to give up Texas A&M and pursue my medical education at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center where Garrett is a first year. Initially, I did not thinik that I would be allowed to apply or if I did, even remotely considered. However, God has worked through this situation with me. Without going through everything, I think it will suffice to say that I am on the waiting list for UT and will hopefully get to start in August. Plans do change and I am learning the art and virtue of being flexible where life plans are concerned.
Garrett and I have found a church home that we have really grown to love. It's a small church, under 100 members, and doesn't have a building. We meet in the bottom floor of a hotel in downtown Memphis. It's about 5 minutes from where I live and the church is really intentional about getting out into our community to make a difference and spread the kingdom of God. Garrett and I are involved in the couples small group and I attend the women's small group as well. Once a month, we go out to an outreach to make and serve dinner to some of the homeless population. The church family has really been our main body of support in Memphis. It has been such a huge blessing.
Work at the Church Health Center continues as well. I spent eight months working on the phones and at the front desk to start off with. Although it was a bit harder to get up and go to work in the morning than it is now, I feel incredibly blessed to have had that experience. I learned a lot about how real practices work behind the scenes. I have matured a lot just from having a real job that wasn't always super fun.
Now I work back in the clinic scribing for an internal medicine doctor. Basically, I am his right hand where computer things are concerned, putting in orders, printing prescriptions, and the like. I also get patients from the waiting room and take their vitals, etc. The doc I work with, Dr. Jennings, is a great Christian man and a great teacher. He's been in practice for over 30 years in private practice and resource clinic settings. I have learned so much since starting to work with him. I honestly look forward to going into work in the mornings and staying late is no struggle. I know that the experiences I am gaining now are going to be invaluable as I move futher into the medical field in the near future.
Finally, Garrett and I are doing great. We have really enjoyed being in the same place (obviously) and are so grateful for the support that we have received. God has been so good to us. Garrett has been a wonderful support and done a great job prioritizing with school and everything else.
Anyway, I think that is all I have to report on for now. Thanks for sticking with me and thanks for the prayers as always.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
St. Ignatius Loyola and Bonhoeffer
Anyone who has known me for a period of time knows that my faith story involves a man by the name of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German man who lived and died during the time of Nazi Germany. God used his story and his book, "The Cost of Discipleship," to touch me deeply during my junior year of high school. The influence still carries on today in how I deal with things, think about decisions, and more broadly my overall view on spirituality.
A family friend who had read this very blog recommended that I look into the spiritual practice of the "Examen" prayer. I did a little research, bought "The Prayer that Changes Everything" by Jim Manney, and started to think seriously about making this prayer a part of my daily life and spiritual routine. I finished reading the book this morning and it has really caused me to think a lot about how I am living my life at this point. Several things really touched me as I read more about the traditional "Examen" first brought about by St. Ignatius Loyola which many of us recognize as the founder of the Jesuits.
My limited experience with anything "Jesuit" was limited to a the movie "The Mission" and a trip here... to the Jesuit mission in Brazil that was the basis for the movie.
But the book, written by a contemporary American, really struck my interest. As you can see if you have read my blog recently, this year has been filled with decisions and important crossroads. I have been down and out because I was struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel of these roads and fearing that I was going to make a decision that I would regret for the rest of my life.
The Examen is a prayer and a way of thinking...and a way of going throughout life in each present moment. Kind of like when yoga instructors ask you to clear your mind and focus on each breath...and then you can start doing things...not really...but kind of. I can't even pretend to understand the practice completely and I have not started practicing it yet but I am very excited. There is one quote from the book that I would like to reflect on with you now. It is by St. Ignatius Loyola in his book, Spiritual Exercises.
"I will ponder with great affection how much God, our Lord, has done for me, and how much He has given me of what He possesses, and finally, how much...the same Lord desires to give Himself to me."
This is the passage that I have chosen to focus on this week and reflect on now. Let's break it down: "I will ponder with great affection..." This is a choice to do something with my mind. This is not being blown here and there by my emotions or how I wake up in the morning but a personal choice to put on an "attitude of gratitude" (Manney's words) and move from there. I will chose to go into the place in my mind where I can see things in the presence of my Creator rather than being focused on how I feel about life that day. This is a statement that I am about to acknowledge the love that is a gift and makes my life so much better. That thought fills me up with joy so that I can proceed.
"...how much God, our Lord, has done for me..." This one is easy. He sent His son to redeem me from my sin. He lifts me up when I am down. He calms me when I am anxious. He carries me when I am weak. He's created a world for me to live in. He's always present even when I chose to ignore it completely.
"...and how much He has given me of what He possesses..." Wow. Life everyday for 21 years, countless heartbeats, breaths, drinks of water, food, experiences, life in general. Again wow. Relationships. I am a beloved daughter, granddaughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, student, neighbor, co-worker, employee, person on the phone at CHC, educator, former-intern...just to mention a few. The love that God shows me everyday though the relationships that He's given me is incredible and impossible to ponder enough. I am a social person and at the heart of us all is that longing for closeness with people here on earth. God has given me so many relationships and connections it knocks me off my feet. He is also the giver of love, grace, mercy, peace, my emotions, worldly possessions, comforts, and desires. All good things come from Him. My talents and dreams are a reflection of who He's created me to be. Instilled in me with purpose. His purpose. More on that in a minute.
"and finally, how much...the same Lord desires to give himself to me." Wow is not the word here. In fact, I am void of a proper way to respond to this. He is the creator of Heaven and earth and desires to have a relationship with me. He's given me all of these things I've mentioned and more but still longs to give himself to me in a loving relationship. I'll need to reflect on this a little later when words come back to me.
One of the focuses of the Examen is working through your daily walk and thinking about it through the eyes of God. We are to focus on the moments of our day that make us "feel something." We are to focus on our emotions and what those can reveal to us. One central question that this prayer can answer is, "What do I really want?" That is, what is it that I long for when all of my illusions of what a "good life" means have been stripped away and I focus on the meaning of life as giving praise, reverence, and worship to God.
At first when I read that passage about what I want, my Bonhoeffer sirens started going off. God used that moment in a powerful way to reshape my spirituality a bit. Bonhoeffer's book, The Cost of Discipleship, emphasizes that when we are called by Christ to be a disciple, "Christ bids us come and die." It's hard to explain how this had shaped my view of God. I believed that this meant that my dreams and desires were meaningless and even if it was miserable, I was to run the race that He set before me. For this reason, I couldn't reconcile any pleasure of this life with God's calling on my life. I believed that we were called to be anything but comfortable; therefore, comfort was a sign that I was doing something in my life for myself and not for God which was wrong; therefore, anytime I felt good or comfortable, I was doing wrong and should get out of that situation because it wasn't the will of God. I lived that way for a long time and it shaped how I viewed things. I strived not to take time, energy, or anything, for myself because all things I had were of God and to be given away to his purposes which I believed were ALWAYS outside of myself. I should add the honest addendum that I was irked when people did things for themselves because I viewed that as being outside how Christians should live.
It's incredible how strange that sounds to me putting it out there that way. I cannot pretend that I have lived everyday of my life for the past four years never doing anything for myself or enjoying anything. I did. I guess the addendum is that I almost always felt guilty for it. I don't want to pretend that this way of striving to live "selflessly" is all bad. But I did notice that I couldn't do it and now I recognize that my spiritual pendulum had swung a little far.
Now hopefully, you can see why my sirens went off when Manney and by extension, St. Ignatius Loyola, asked me to think about what I want from life. My immediate slurred Bonhoefferian response was, "What does it matter what I want? This life is about anything except for what I want. This life is about what God desires for me to do and what I want has nothing to do with it." As I read further though, my question was answered by another quotation from Loyola, "Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord and by this means to have his soul." This is the meaning of life according to the founder of the Jesuits.
The principle of searching our emotions for our deepest and truest desires is based upon the belief that we have the Holy Spirit of God in the deepest place within us because we were created by God. Another implication is that we must shed our superficial desires and find and focus on our truest desire. I pray that the Spirit will lead me to see this more clearly in the planned month of daily examen to follow. I realize I have lost all of my readers by this point, but it was a good spiritual exercise for me either way.
I find myself in a place where I haven't in a while: a reshaping of my foundational truths. It doesn't feel comfortable or steady right now; but it feels really really really good to be moving again.
Blessings and peace, readers.
A family friend who had read this very blog recommended that I look into the spiritual practice of the "Examen" prayer. I did a little research, bought "The Prayer that Changes Everything" by Jim Manney, and started to think seriously about making this prayer a part of my daily life and spiritual routine. I finished reading the book this morning and it has really caused me to think a lot about how I am living my life at this point. Several things really touched me as I read more about the traditional "Examen" first brought about by St. Ignatius Loyola which many of us recognize as the founder of the Jesuits.
My limited experience with anything "Jesuit" was limited to a the movie "The Mission" and a trip here... to the Jesuit mission in Brazil that was the basis for the movie.
But the book, written by a contemporary American, really struck my interest. As you can see if you have read my blog recently, this year has been filled with decisions and important crossroads. I have been down and out because I was struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel of these roads and fearing that I was going to make a decision that I would regret for the rest of my life.
The Examen is a prayer and a way of thinking...and a way of going throughout life in each present moment. Kind of like when yoga instructors ask you to clear your mind and focus on each breath...and then you can start doing things...not really...but kind of. I can't even pretend to understand the practice completely and I have not started practicing it yet but I am very excited. There is one quote from the book that I would like to reflect on with you now. It is by St. Ignatius Loyola in his book, Spiritual Exercises.
"I will ponder with great affection how much God, our Lord, has done for me, and how much He has given me of what He possesses, and finally, how much...the same Lord desires to give Himself to me."
This is the passage that I have chosen to focus on this week and reflect on now. Let's break it down: "I will ponder with great affection..." This is a choice to do something with my mind. This is not being blown here and there by my emotions or how I wake up in the morning but a personal choice to put on an "attitude of gratitude" (Manney's words) and move from there. I will chose to go into the place in my mind where I can see things in the presence of my Creator rather than being focused on how I feel about life that day. This is a statement that I am about to acknowledge the love that is a gift and makes my life so much better. That thought fills me up with joy so that I can proceed.
"...how much God, our Lord, has done for me..." This one is easy. He sent His son to redeem me from my sin. He lifts me up when I am down. He calms me when I am anxious. He carries me when I am weak. He's created a world for me to live in. He's always present even when I chose to ignore it completely.
"...and how much He has given me of what He possesses..." Wow. Life everyday for 21 years, countless heartbeats, breaths, drinks of water, food, experiences, life in general. Again wow. Relationships. I am a beloved daughter, granddaughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, student, neighbor, co-worker, employee, person on the phone at CHC, educator, former-intern...just to mention a few. The love that God shows me everyday though the relationships that He's given me is incredible and impossible to ponder enough. I am a social person and at the heart of us all is that longing for closeness with people here on earth. God has given me so many relationships and connections it knocks me off my feet. He is also the giver of love, grace, mercy, peace, my emotions, worldly possessions, comforts, and desires. All good things come from Him. My talents and dreams are a reflection of who He's created me to be. Instilled in me with purpose. His purpose. More on that in a minute.
"and finally, how much...the same Lord desires to give himself to me." Wow is not the word here. In fact, I am void of a proper way to respond to this. He is the creator of Heaven and earth and desires to have a relationship with me. He's given me all of these things I've mentioned and more but still longs to give himself to me in a loving relationship. I'll need to reflect on this a little later when words come back to me.
One of the focuses of the Examen is working through your daily walk and thinking about it through the eyes of God. We are to focus on the moments of our day that make us "feel something." We are to focus on our emotions and what those can reveal to us. One central question that this prayer can answer is, "What do I really want?" That is, what is it that I long for when all of my illusions of what a "good life" means have been stripped away and I focus on the meaning of life as giving praise, reverence, and worship to God.
At first when I read that passage about what I want, my Bonhoeffer sirens started going off. God used that moment in a powerful way to reshape my spirituality a bit. Bonhoeffer's book, The Cost of Discipleship, emphasizes that when we are called by Christ to be a disciple, "Christ bids us come and die." It's hard to explain how this had shaped my view of God. I believed that this meant that my dreams and desires were meaningless and even if it was miserable, I was to run the race that He set before me. For this reason, I couldn't reconcile any pleasure of this life with God's calling on my life. I believed that we were called to be anything but comfortable; therefore, comfort was a sign that I was doing something in my life for myself and not for God which was wrong; therefore, anytime I felt good or comfortable, I was doing wrong and should get out of that situation because it wasn't the will of God. I lived that way for a long time and it shaped how I viewed things. I strived not to take time, energy, or anything, for myself because all things I had were of God and to be given away to his purposes which I believed were ALWAYS outside of myself. I should add the honest addendum that I was irked when people did things for themselves because I viewed that as being outside how Christians should live.
It's incredible how strange that sounds to me putting it out there that way. I cannot pretend that I have lived everyday of my life for the past four years never doing anything for myself or enjoying anything. I did. I guess the addendum is that I almost always felt guilty for it. I don't want to pretend that this way of striving to live "selflessly" is all bad. But I did notice that I couldn't do it and now I recognize that my spiritual pendulum had swung a little far.
Now hopefully, you can see why my sirens went off when Manney and by extension, St. Ignatius Loyola, asked me to think about what I want from life. My immediate slurred Bonhoefferian response was, "What does it matter what I want? This life is about anything except for what I want. This life is about what God desires for me to do and what I want has nothing to do with it." As I read further though, my question was answered by another quotation from Loyola, "Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord and by this means to have his soul." This is the meaning of life according to the founder of the Jesuits.
The principle of searching our emotions for our deepest and truest desires is based upon the belief that we have the Holy Spirit of God in the deepest place within us because we were created by God. Another implication is that we must shed our superficial desires and find and focus on our truest desire. I pray that the Spirit will lead me to see this more clearly in the planned month of daily examen to follow. I realize I have lost all of my readers by this point, but it was a good spiritual exercise for me either way.
I find myself in a place where I haven't in a while: a reshaping of my foundational truths. It doesn't feel comfortable or steady right now; but it feels really really really good to be moving again.
Blessings and peace, readers.
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Memphis Files: Chapter 1
Wow! It has really been a whirl-wind couple of weeks for me in Memphis. I am finding that adjusting to a new city is everything I thought it would be and more.
For those of you who are just joining in, I will sum up my story. For those of you who know me...you can skip this if you want to.
So I am in Memphis for a year to figure a few things out. I was accepted to Texas A and M but deferred for a year. I still have my acceptance and a start day exactly a year from well, probably this week. However, I moved to Memphis to be with Garrett who is starting medical school here at UT this week. I have a job as a clinic assistant at the Church Health Center and have been here for two weeks. That should catch most of you up.
So Memphis is an interesting place to be and is very different from Abilene. I am really enjoying the culture and variety of people that I get to interact with every day. I have been working the phone lines for CHC and have learned so much even in two weeks. I get to talk to a lot of people with a lot of different reasons for calling in. We are a clinic that sees patients who are working, uninsured and live in Shelby county. It is interesting talking to these folks, especially the ones that tell you their story although it is testing sometimes when I can't really do anything for them but give them another number to call. I pray that everyone that I talk to will have relief from whatever is paining them even if I can't schedule their appointment or they have to seek another clinic.
I know that this job is already teaching me lots and lots of life lessons about how to treat and interact with people. I have even thought about how I want to run my practice in similar and different ways than the clinic here. Something I really love is how devoted to their particular mission they are and how they claim that every day. They see a select group of patients and for that reason, they are able to treat their patients well. More examples to come. Another thing is how intentional they are about everything. Every meeting has a purpose, every assignment or phone call is for the greater good and they have inservices and meetings every week to remind themselves. Anyway, more of that to come.
Otherwise, life is just business as usual. I can enjoy my time off with Garrett. I am having a lot of fun learning how to do this kind of relationship versus the long distance thing and it is working out. It has been hard with him starting school and trying to feel good about my decision to put it off for a year. I ask for the peace about it that I need for the moment and move on.
In a meeting I had with a supervisor that helps people get into med school at UT, I was made aware that the likelihood of me getting in to UT, whether it be in a couple years or down the road would be extremely low. I had pondered that thought for a possibility to get to stay with Garrett and see where that leads but that is not going to be the case. We could do long distance again while we are in school but we both know the likelihood of that working out would also be very low. It seems as though the decision will come down to being with Garrett or being a doctor. I can't pretend that there is an easy answer to that question and even if you think I am crazy, pray that I may have clarity and peace about it. I won't have to figure that out until November but it weighs heavily on my mind every single day.
Anyway...thanks for reading and I will update soon.
For those of you who are just joining in, I will sum up my story. For those of you who know me...you can skip this if you want to.
So I am in Memphis for a year to figure a few things out. I was accepted to Texas A and M but deferred for a year. I still have my acceptance and a start day exactly a year from well, probably this week. However, I moved to Memphis to be with Garrett who is starting medical school here at UT this week. I have a job as a clinic assistant at the Church Health Center and have been here for two weeks. That should catch most of you up.
So Memphis is an interesting place to be and is very different from Abilene. I am really enjoying the culture and variety of people that I get to interact with every day. I have been working the phone lines for CHC and have learned so much even in two weeks. I get to talk to a lot of people with a lot of different reasons for calling in. We are a clinic that sees patients who are working, uninsured and live in Shelby county. It is interesting talking to these folks, especially the ones that tell you their story although it is testing sometimes when I can't really do anything for them but give them another number to call. I pray that everyone that I talk to will have relief from whatever is paining them even if I can't schedule their appointment or they have to seek another clinic.
I know that this job is already teaching me lots and lots of life lessons about how to treat and interact with people. I have even thought about how I want to run my practice in similar and different ways than the clinic here. Something I really love is how devoted to their particular mission they are and how they claim that every day. They see a select group of patients and for that reason, they are able to treat their patients well. More examples to come. Another thing is how intentional they are about everything. Every meeting has a purpose, every assignment or phone call is for the greater good and they have inservices and meetings every week to remind themselves. Anyway, more of that to come.
Otherwise, life is just business as usual. I can enjoy my time off with Garrett. I am having a lot of fun learning how to do this kind of relationship versus the long distance thing and it is working out. It has been hard with him starting school and trying to feel good about my decision to put it off for a year. I ask for the peace about it that I need for the moment and move on.
In a meeting I had with a supervisor that helps people get into med school at UT, I was made aware that the likelihood of me getting in to UT, whether it be in a couple years or down the road would be extremely low. I had pondered that thought for a possibility to get to stay with Garrett and see where that leads but that is not going to be the case. We could do long distance again while we are in school but we both know the likelihood of that working out would also be very low. It seems as though the decision will come down to being with Garrett or being a doctor. I can't pretend that there is an easy answer to that question and even if you think I am crazy, pray that I may have clarity and peace about it. I won't have to figure that out until November but it weighs heavily on my mind every single day.
Anyway...thanks for reading and I will update soon.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Almost Time to Get on the Road
Hey Readers!
It has been a while and I apologize for that. It's been an interesting summer to say the very least for me but the time has almost come for my move up to Tennessee. It seems crazy that one year ago I was back in Abilene from being in Guatemala and Canada, obsessing over writing the perfect secondary applications for every single one of the Texas medical schools to which I was applying. I was still unsure of anything really going on between Garrett and I as well. Crazy how one year can change so much.
Most of you have probably been brought up to speed that I am now employed (or will be as of Tuesday) at the Church Health Center in Memphis, TN. But few of you know actually how this happened and that's the incredible story I want to tell.
As most of you know, searching for a job is a more difficult proposition than it sounds. I'm not even talking about our difficult economy. It is a difficult emotional process for those of us who pour so much into what we did before. I was a dedicated student and leader on campus at ACU and had kept really busy all four years. The resume that God had led me to built (besides being a huge blessing to me during each activity), was created for one purpose: Getting into medical school. I followed every guideline given by the pre-medical advisors that I could. I was busy in my summers. I shadowed and volunteered. I went on a medical mission trip and led other student ventures. Anyway, I felt great about my application to medical school and "alright" about my resume over all. But when you pour yourself into your activities, it hurts more when people look over you and say "that's not what I am looking for." I know it shouldn't be personal, but so much is personal to me because I put a lot of my person into everything.
Having said that, I submitted application and resume after application and resume for 7+ weeks which doesn't sound like much until you've done it. By the end of it, I was feeling very deflated and depressed that perhaps I had made the wrong decision and should have gone to school this year. I finally got a call back to be able to pass an aptitude test for a bank. I failed it. I wanted to be done, but I had to find a job. Right decision or not, this was the plan and I couldn't change it. I felt like maybe I was missing the opportunity that God had in mind for me so I started to pray that the right opportunity would be revealed to me and that it would be a slap on the back of the head saying, "KATE HUGGINS! THIS IS YOU!!! JUMP!!!!"
A couple nights later, I was about to skype with Garrett and I received an email from Mary, my grandmother's long time best friend who lives in Memphis. She said that there was a place that hired people waiting to get into professional school for a year to supervise volunteers and help in a clinic. That sounded pretty good to me, but they only hired people in June and it was already July. She gave me the email address and I sent an email with my resume to Patti. I did not know anything about the organization, or the position at that point.
The very next day, I received an email from Patti asking if I attached a cover letter that was requested. Oops. Still unaware of the position title, I wrote my basic cover letter with the positions I believed would be applicable to that organization. Later that eventing, I had an email that she would like to set up a phone interview! My first interview! I was so excited even though I didn't really know yet what I was interviewing for exactly.
Through much research over that weekend I found out a lot about the Church Health Center. It is a church-based and supported clinic in Memphis that targets the working and uninsured population of Memphis that believes in holistic care of body, mind, and soul. Sounded about perfect being as that is my area of interest. I read about the Scholars program which was unknowingly what I had applied for by emailing Patti, the coordinator of hiring for the program. Basically, this program is for people waiting to get into medical school. A bachelors degree is required for this year-long, June-June program. Basically it is like the Ameri-Corps for pre-meds only we are all in Memphis. As I read the brochure and over the website I was shocked at how well this fit me. It is not only based around what I want to do, but has many elements of what I have done before.
After the phone interview, I didn't feel perfect about it. There were at least four other applicants but Patti was interested in telling me about the program. The clinic assistants spend 4 months at the front desk, 4 months in the clinic, and 4 months in the "Procurement" department (working with volunteers and inventory, etc.). It is a full time position but may require some nights until 9 and/or Saturdays. I figured that one little imperfection wouldn't be too bad. I was nervous about it though because at this point I wanted it so badly.
Wednesday morning my old boss Nancy texted me that Patti was trying to get in touch with her and my heart leapt. I had just spent a morning in prayer that God would give me peace about whether or not this job was for me and that I could accept whatever came my way. What an answer to prayer!
Nancy called me while I was at lunch and she was in tears. She told me that Patti was in love with my resume and they had talked about a lot of things. She said that they had formally closed the hiring period but that Patti was debating hiring one more person. She had to make the decision the day that my resume came across her desk. She apparently saw my resume and knew I was it. Nancy really felt that she could turn me over to the Church Health Center and I would be as loved and taken care of as I was at my ACU job. As I was thanking Nancy, I got a call from that infamous 901 area code (Memphis) and I had a feeling this was the yes or no.
It was Patti and she said that she was delighted to offer me the job. The best part...the clinic assistants wear scrubs everyday!!
The short of the story is that God is good. I prayed and received an answer beyond what I could ask or imagine. If I could have written an ideal job description for me for this year, I still would not have dared to dream I could find an opportunity like this. God really blew me out of the water on this one and I am so grateful.
I start the day after I move in. God is good.
More updates from Memphis!!
It has been a while and I apologize for that. It's been an interesting summer to say the very least for me but the time has almost come for my move up to Tennessee. It seems crazy that one year ago I was back in Abilene from being in Guatemala and Canada, obsessing over writing the perfect secondary applications for every single one of the Texas medical schools to which I was applying. I was still unsure of anything really going on between Garrett and I as well. Crazy how one year can change so much.
Most of you have probably been brought up to speed that I am now employed (or will be as of Tuesday) at the Church Health Center in Memphis, TN. But few of you know actually how this happened and that's the incredible story I want to tell.
As most of you know, searching for a job is a more difficult proposition than it sounds. I'm not even talking about our difficult economy. It is a difficult emotional process for those of us who pour so much into what we did before. I was a dedicated student and leader on campus at ACU and had kept really busy all four years. The resume that God had led me to built (besides being a huge blessing to me during each activity), was created for one purpose: Getting into medical school. I followed every guideline given by the pre-medical advisors that I could. I was busy in my summers. I shadowed and volunteered. I went on a medical mission trip and led other student ventures. Anyway, I felt great about my application to medical school and "alright" about my resume over all. But when you pour yourself into your activities, it hurts more when people look over you and say "that's not what I am looking for." I know it shouldn't be personal, but so much is personal to me because I put a lot of my person into everything.
Having said that, I submitted application and resume after application and resume for 7+ weeks which doesn't sound like much until you've done it. By the end of it, I was feeling very deflated and depressed that perhaps I had made the wrong decision and should have gone to school this year. I finally got a call back to be able to pass an aptitude test for a bank. I failed it. I wanted to be done, but I had to find a job. Right decision or not, this was the plan and I couldn't change it. I felt like maybe I was missing the opportunity that God had in mind for me so I started to pray that the right opportunity would be revealed to me and that it would be a slap on the back of the head saying, "KATE HUGGINS! THIS IS YOU!!! JUMP!!!!"
A couple nights later, I was about to skype with Garrett and I received an email from Mary, my grandmother's long time best friend who lives in Memphis. She said that there was a place that hired people waiting to get into professional school for a year to supervise volunteers and help in a clinic. That sounded pretty good to me, but they only hired people in June and it was already July. She gave me the email address and I sent an email with my resume to Patti. I did not know anything about the organization, or the position at that point.
The very next day, I received an email from Patti asking if I attached a cover letter that was requested. Oops. Still unaware of the position title, I wrote my basic cover letter with the positions I believed would be applicable to that organization. Later that eventing, I had an email that she would like to set up a phone interview! My first interview! I was so excited even though I didn't really know yet what I was interviewing for exactly.
Through much research over that weekend I found out a lot about the Church Health Center. It is a church-based and supported clinic in Memphis that targets the working and uninsured population of Memphis that believes in holistic care of body, mind, and soul. Sounded about perfect being as that is my area of interest. I read about the Scholars program which was unknowingly what I had applied for by emailing Patti, the coordinator of hiring for the program. Basically, this program is for people waiting to get into medical school. A bachelors degree is required for this year-long, June-June program. Basically it is like the Ameri-Corps for pre-meds only we are all in Memphis. As I read the brochure and over the website I was shocked at how well this fit me. It is not only based around what I want to do, but has many elements of what I have done before.
After the phone interview, I didn't feel perfect about it. There were at least four other applicants but Patti was interested in telling me about the program. The clinic assistants spend 4 months at the front desk, 4 months in the clinic, and 4 months in the "Procurement" department (working with volunteers and inventory, etc.). It is a full time position but may require some nights until 9 and/or Saturdays. I figured that one little imperfection wouldn't be too bad. I was nervous about it though because at this point I wanted it so badly.
Wednesday morning my old boss Nancy texted me that Patti was trying to get in touch with her and my heart leapt. I had just spent a morning in prayer that God would give me peace about whether or not this job was for me and that I could accept whatever came my way. What an answer to prayer!
Nancy called me while I was at lunch and she was in tears. She told me that Patti was in love with my resume and they had talked about a lot of things. She said that they had formally closed the hiring period but that Patti was debating hiring one more person. She had to make the decision the day that my resume came across her desk. She apparently saw my resume and knew I was it. Nancy really felt that she could turn me over to the Church Health Center and I would be as loved and taken care of as I was at my ACU job. As I was thanking Nancy, I got a call from that infamous 901 area code (Memphis) and I had a feeling this was the yes or no.
It was Patti and she said that she was delighted to offer me the job. The best part...the clinic assistants wear scrubs everyday!!
The short of the story is that God is good. I prayed and received an answer beyond what I could ask or imagine. If I could have written an ideal job description for me for this year, I still would not have dared to dream I could find an opportunity like this. God really blew me out of the water on this one and I am so grateful.
I start the day after I move in. God is good.
More updates from Memphis!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Just Keep Swimming
Hi Readers!
So much has happened since I last wrote. It's only been two and a half weeks but it seems like a lifetime. The most notable events include Wade getting married, traveling to Nashville and Memphis for a week, and finding an apartment.
Wade and Kristin's wedding was fun and beautiful. It was a great time to see friends and family that we don't get to see very often. It's only a few times in your life where you get to see both sides of extended family along with all of Kristin's friends and family. The bridal party had a great time as many of us are college friends that don't get to spend time relaxing together. Wade looked like Michael Buble in his black tux with a skinny tie. Dad looked super daper in his tux and of course, Mom looked beautiful. Kristin was absolutely breath-taking, but it doesn't take her too much to get there. Our bridesmaid dresses were long and black and had a short train...pretty exciting.
Moving on, I took a few days to hang out and relax with Mom and Dad at the house and around Abilene. On Wednesday I had the bright idea of flying instead of driving to Tennessee and ended up flying out the next morning to Nashville. Our original plan was just to meet in Memphis for a couple of days to look for jobs and places to live and get a lay of the land. Since Southwest doesn't fly to Memphis, I went on to Nashville and got to spend a couple of days with Garrett planning and preparing for our trip. We set out on Sunday around noon and got Memphis around 4pm. We went over to my grandmom Gina's best friend's house for a tour of the area and dinner. These generous people went out of their way to show us around and take us to dinner to talk about different areas and help us see what living there is like. It was fantastic! I am so glad we got to do that. Memphis is much more compact than I thought it was. We spent one day there over spring break but that didn't do much to get the layout down.
The next morning we got up and went to look at apartment complexes. We headed straight to Mud Island (after getting lost in a shady area). Mud Island is an actual island on the Tennessee side of the Mississippi. You have to cross a bridge to get there (obviously) but it is the safest neighborhood we could find. The apartments there are more expensive (but manageable) and the difference in the atmosphere and safety is worth every penny. There are houses and four or five apartment communities. There are a couple of stores on the island too and despite it's name, it is very pretty. Green lawns, tall beach houses, and loads of hydrangeas line the streets and the communal attitude of the island is visible everywhere. We fell in love with it instantly.
After learning that there is very little availability on the island (of course), we departed to mull over the decisions and look into some other places. Driving around midtown and downtown, we felt that Mud Island was really the only option for us. We had some lunch and headed back to plan our next day.
That night we made dinner with Andrea and William. Andrea (Jernigan) was on the MET trip to Guatemala with us. She and William got married on the same day as Wade (5-28-11) and were just back from their honeymoon to British Columbia. We decided it would be fun to use their new kitchen and gifts to make poppyseed chicken. It was a lot of fun and felt really good to be building relationships with people our age to feel like we already have friends in the Memphis area.
The next morning we went out to deliver resumes and put down deposits at the Riverset Apartments on Mudisland. The most interesting part of the day was talking to banks and hearing that they no longer care if you want to go in person to apply but just refer you to their websites to apply online. Only one bank actually took my paper resume and only two gave me the time of day to assess who I am as a person. I have decided that if I don't get a job in research, being a bank teller could be really nice. That would allow me to have normal hours and then go home at night and forget about it. Anyway, we are praying for opportunities in safe areas that will pay the bills. Prayers are appreciated.
After lunch and signing the applications, we headed back to Nashville and I flew out the next morning. This week is all about Hallie's wedding! I am so honored to be a bridesmaid and this represents the beginning of my wedding marathon...
June 11 - Hallie and Colby (Abilene)
June 18 - Sarah and Andy (Abilene)
June 26 - Collin and Brett (Chicago)
Collin was my roommate my sophomore year and best friend freshman and sophomore year at ACU. I am so excited for her along with all of my brides. This is such a crazy time of life with weddings and everything going on currently.
In other news, my mom will have back surgery at Abilene Regional on Monday and prayers are appreciated for that too. She is very anxious about the recovery. I am glad that we pushed the moving date back to July 25th so I have plenty of time to help her out after surgery.
The final countdown has started and in just under 7 weeks, I will no longer be in a long-distance relationship...Garrett and I will get to be together at last! Hurray for that!
I am blessed, even through all of the changes and uncertainty...I am loved and blessed by the Creator. I feel it (almost) everyday. Some days I choose to ignore it (huge mistake) but I know He is faithful and always there.
So much has happened since I last wrote. It's only been two and a half weeks but it seems like a lifetime. The most notable events include Wade getting married, traveling to Nashville and Memphis for a week, and finding an apartment.
Wade and Kristin's wedding was fun and beautiful. It was a great time to see friends and family that we don't get to see very often. It's only a few times in your life where you get to see both sides of extended family along with all of Kristin's friends and family. The bridal party had a great time as many of us are college friends that don't get to spend time relaxing together. Wade looked like Michael Buble in his black tux with a skinny tie. Dad looked super daper in his tux and of course, Mom looked beautiful. Kristin was absolutely breath-taking, but it doesn't take her too much to get there. Our bridesmaid dresses were long and black and had a short train...pretty exciting.
Moving on, I took a few days to hang out and relax with Mom and Dad at the house and around Abilene. On Wednesday I had the bright idea of flying instead of driving to Tennessee and ended up flying out the next morning to Nashville. Our original plan was just to meet in Memphis for a couple of days to look for jobs and places to live and get a lay of the land. Since Southwest doesn't fly to Memphis, I went on to Nashville and got to spend a couple of days with Garrett planning and preparing for our trip. We set out on Sunday around noon and got Memphis around 4pm. We went over to my grandmom Gina's best friend's house for a tour of the area and dinner. These generous people went out of their way to show us around and take us to dinner to talk about different areas and help us see what living there is like. It was fantastic! I am so glad we got to do that. Memphis is much more compact than I thought it was. We spent one day there over spring break but that didn't do much to get the layout down.
The next morning we got up and went to look at apartment complexes. We headed straight to Mud Island (after getting lost in a shady area). Mud Island is an actual island on the Tennessee side of the Mississippi. You have to cross a bridge to get there (obviously) but it is the safest neighborhood we could find. The apartments there are more expensive (but manageable) and the difference in the atmosphere and safety is worth every penny. There are houses and four or five apartment communities. There are a couple of stores on the island too and despite it's name, it is very pretty. Green lawns, tall beach houses, and loads of hydrangeas line the streets and the communal attitude of the island is visible everywhere. We fell in love with it instantly.
After learning that there is very little availability on the island (of course), we departed to mull over the decisions and look into some other places. Driving around midtown and downtown, we felt that Mud Island was really the only option for us. We had some lunch and headed back to plan our next day.
That night we made dinner with Andrea and William. Andrea (Jernigan) was on the MET trip to Guatemala with us. She and William got married on the same day as Wade (5-28-11) and were just back from their honeymoon to British Columbia. We decided it would be fun to use their new kitchen and gifts to make poppyseed chicken. It was a lot of fun and felt really good to be building relationships with people our age to feel like we already have friends in the Memphis area.
The next morning we went out to deliver resumes and put down deposits at the Riverset Apartments on Mudisland. The most interesting part of the day was talking to banks and hearing that they no longer care if you want to go in person to apply but just refer you to their websites to apply online. Only one bank actually took my paper resume and only two gave me the time of day to assess who I am as a person. I have decided that if I don't get a job in research, being a bank teller could be really nice. That would allow me to have normal hours and then go home at night and forget about it. Anyway, we are praying for opportunities in safe areas that will pay the bills. Prayers are appreciated.
After lunch and signing the applications, we headed back to Nashville and I flew out the next morning. This week is all about Hallie's wedding! I am so honored to be a bridesmaid and this represents the beginning of my wedding marathon...
June 11 - Hallie and Colby (Abilene)
June 18 - Sarah and Andy (Abilene)
June 26 - Collin and Brett (Chicago)
Collin was my roommate my sophomore year and best friend freshman and sophomore year at ACU. I am so excited for her along with all of my brides. This is such a crazy time of life with weddings and everything going on currently.
In other news, my mom will have back surgery at Abilene Regional on Monday and prayers are appreciated for that too. She is very anxious about the recovery. I am glad that we pushed the moving date back to July 25th so I have plenty of time to help her out after surgery.
The final countdown has started and in just under 7 weeks, I will no longer be in a long-distance relationship...Garrett and I will get to be together at last! Hurray for that!
I am blessed, even through all of the changes and uncertainty...I am loved and blessed by the Creator. I feel it (almost) everyday. Some days I choose to ignore it (huge mistake) but I know He is faithful and always there.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Crazy life
Hey readers! I hope and pray that this finds all of you in a good place of health and contentment.
I don't really know exactly what made me want to write tonight but it is the outlet of all of my emotions...so good luck sifting through all the craziness to glean something meaningful.
It's been an interesting few days with moving home and all. I really enjoy being back with my parents but I know that that is going to make the move a little more painful when it actually comes. Speaking of the great move to Memphis, I am looking for jobs, so anything that you know of in the Memphis area, I would love to know about. Shoot me an email or give me a call.
I think I have decided that I would kind of like to be a bank teller for a year if I can find that sort of thing. I am not highly qualified for it, but I have some cash handling experience and am good with computers. It would be a job that I could go in, put my time in, work hard, and then go home and (hopefully) not have to worry about. I don't know, could be fun. Anyway, I am a little nervous about this move obviously with not having a job lined up yet, or place to live, but I am working on it. I trust that the Lord will provide if that is where I am supposed to be for this year.
Graduating and moving on now just seems like a dream. Something that happened in the past but didn't mean anything. I said goodbye to my good friend today and that was difficult yet again. It is hard to see everyone who has been huge players in your life game move off and attach to different things. I am doing that too though, so it is not just all their fault.
Everything just seems kind of surreal right now. My shifting relationship with my friends, professors, brother as he gets married, parents, and Garrett as we move to the same city. So much is changing in my life that I can't seem to take it all in or process it all. I spent a long time today just laying on my bed (like a lazy college alumnus job searching should) and thinking about it all (which is always dangerous). It feels like everything in my life is changing right now and the effects are absolutely paralyzing. I try not to get caught up in all of it but I still do.
God has blessed me so immensely in each chapter of my life so far. I feel like to not look back, smell the roses, and remember the good times now would be taking for granted all that he has given me. My wonderful parents who raised me in the ways of the Father. My loving brother who taught me so much about the world and God and faith and love. The rest of my wonderful family that loves and supports me always. Little ole' Abilene and all of her quirks; she may be small and boring, but she will always be my first home. My amazing friends from elementary, middle and high school, and college that have helped to shape me into who I am. The Family of God that have supported me and sent me on all of my adventures and missions that sculpted me so greatly. And most recently, my incredible boyfriend who keeps me balanced, together, and moving forward through all of these changes. It would be impossible to look at my life and not see how incredibly blessed I have been and am today.
The marvelous thing is that God is not yet done with me. He is not through using people to sculpt and influence my life. He is faithful and true. He knows me and loves me and I hold on to that fact more than life itself. I try, readers, so hard to lean on that fact. I don't want my blog to come off as a place where I complain about things and changes in my life. I want to celebrate the His faithfulness and ability to carry me through even when I can't pick myself up. I marvel at the way that he has used each person in my life to help shape my story and carry little weak Kate through His greater story.
I suppose that is why I felt prompted to write tonight. Every single time that I write and submit myself to be quiet and alone with Him. He draws me back to Himself and His love and faithfulness. May you be encouraged because we are all His children and He loves us because He made us and knows us.
Not sure there was anything to glean here for you, reader, but may God be glorified in our effort.
Kate
I don't really know exactly what made me want to write tonight but it is the outlet of all of my emotions...so good luck sifting through all the craziness to glean something meaningful.
It's been an interesting few days with moving home and all. I really enjoy being back with my parents but I know that that is going to make the move a little more painful when it actually comes. Speaking of the great move to Memphis, I am looking for jobs, so anything that you know of in the Memphis area, I would love to know about. Shoot me an email or give me a call.
I think I have decided that I would kind of like to be a bank teller for a year if I can find that sort of thing. I am not highly qualified for it, but I have some cash handling experience and am good with computers. It would be a job that I could go in, put my time in, work hard, and then go home and (hopefully) not have to worry about. I don't know, could be fun. Anyway, I am a little nervous about this move obviously with not having a job lined up yet, or place to live, but I am working on it. I trust that the Lord will provide if that is where I am supposed to be for this year.
Graduating and moving on now just seems like a dream. Something that happened in the past but didn't mean anything. I said goodbye to my good friend today and that was difficult yet again. It is hard to see everyone who has been huge players in your life game move off and attach to different things. I am doing that too though, so it is not just all their fault.
Everything just seems kind of surreal right now. My shifting relationship with my friends, professors, brother as he gets married, parents, and Garrett as we move to the same city. So much is changing in my life that I can't seem to take it all in or process it all. I spent a long time today just laying on my bed (like a lazy college alumnus job searching should) and thinking about it all (which is always dangerous). It feels like everything in my life is changing right now and the effects are absolutely paralyzing. I try not to get caught up in all of it but I still do.
God has blessed me so immensely in each chapter of my life so far. I feel like to not look back, smell the roses, and remember the good times now would be taking for granted all that he has given me. My wonderful parents who raised me in the ways of the Father. My loving brother who taught me so much about the world and God and faith and love. The rest of my wonderful family that loves and supports me always. Little ole' Abilene and all of her quirks; she may be small and boring, but she will always be my first home. My amazing friends from elementary, middle and high school, and college that have helped to shape me into who I am. The Family of God that have supported me and sent me on all of my adventures and missions that sculpted me so greatly. And most recently, my incredible boyfriend who keeps me balanced, together, and moving forward through all of these changes. It would be impossible to look at my life and not see how incredibly blessed I have been and am today.
The marvelous thing is that God is not yet done with me. He is not through using people to sculpt and influence my life. He is faithful and true. He knows me and loves me and I hold on to that fact more than life itself. I try, readers, so hard to lean on that fact. I don't want my blog to come off as a place where I complain about things and changes in my life. I want to celebrate the His faithfulness and ability to carry me through even when I can't pick myself up. I marvel at the way that he has used each person in my life to help shape my story and carry little weak Kate through His greater story.
I suppose that is why I felt prompted to write tonight. Every single time that I write and submit myself to be quiet and alone with Him. He draws me back to Himself and His love and faithfulness. May you be encouraged because we are all His children and He loves us because He made us and knows us.
Not sure there was anything to glean here for you, reader, but may God be glorified in our effort.
Kate
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Graduation Blues?
Well, I guess I finally did it. I wore my purple heels and walked across the stage and got my "diploma tube," ACU's idea of something photogenic that is easy to hand out on stage and should convince the audience that it actually contains something useful, like a degree. But anyway, it was a weekend filled of friends and family and fun. I purposefully chose not to deal with what was actually going on emotionally for fear that it might ruin the weekend. So I stuffed the emotional baggage in the trunk and enjoyed my weekend.
I guess I really didn't let it hit me until this afternoon when Garrett was about to leave and we were talking about plans for Memphis. Until this point it has been theoretical...all of it. But now, with the adrenaline of the weekend wearing off and the fatigue setting in, it is seeming very real. Sitting down to write my family and friends thank you notes seemed to put the final stamp. Just above my desk, I have a variety of pictures, notes, invitations, and cards from this year and past years in college. From little Kate, Dara, and Collin about to have a pillow fight in the freshman dorm, to Samoa of the girls holding the "We love you, Kate" banner, to kids in the youth group at church camp this summer, to this past April with my research collaborators and biochemistry colleagues, I have it all on my wall. I looked up at it and could not help but be overcome with emotion that this journey is finally over. This chapter of life has ended and a new one will soon begin.
I can't say that I am not ready to move on. I am very attached to my job, my friends, classmates, student org, and many other things about ACU. However, if you asked me if I wanted to do another couple semesters of it, I would have to say "no." I am ready to move on, but it is still a bit painful to be honest. I feel like graduation should feel happier than this...not to say I am not happy but this is one of the most bittersweet experiences I have ever had. I wonder if other graduates feel like this or if I am just that crazy. I expected to be thrilled, ready to be done with ACU, and a sense of closure of it all. Honestly, I feel very little closure. Sure, I had the parties and celebrations and attention that signifies that something is drawing to a close and are meant to prepare us for that, but it just convinced me even more of how much I love things here.
I never thought I would look a picture of my professors or the other students that drove me crazy and start crying. I never thought I would lose sleep over cleaning out my desk at work or finishing the time-sheets we enter every semester. But alas, what would life be without surprises. Pretty boring, I would guess.
Now I am worried that all of you will think that I am crazy and should just be happy because life goes on. I can only say that I know I will get there. There is just so much that is unsure in my life right now. I am really leaning on the power of God to carry me through these next couple of months. I feel called and very confirmed in the decision that I have made, but it is hard not to get wrapped up thinking about it all. Life does move on. Things work out. New friends will be made and old ones will stay in touch. I know that things can't stay the way they are in one stage of life for forever and honestly I wouldn't want them to.
The other thing that situations like this make me appreciate, is the consistent things that God has established for us. First and foremost, that He loves us very much and He will always be there. Secondly, family. That's really all I can say right now without going into another emotional fit but I am so immensely grateful for the institution of family and how ideally, they are our best friends for life. I know that as people, we sometimes get in the way of ourselves, but family really is pretty cool when you think about going through changes but your family is your family. I understand that I have an ideal family situation...I love and appreciate them more now than maybe ever.
That's probably all I have energy for tonight. Peace and blessings, friends.
I guess I really didn't let it hit me until this afternoon when Garrett was about to leave and we were talking about plans for Memphis. Until this point it has been theoretical...all of it. But now, with the adrenaline of the weekend wearing off and the fatigue setting in, it is seeming very real. Sitting down to write my family and friends thank you notes seemed to put the final stamp. Just above my desk, I have a variety of pictures, notes, invitations, and cards from this year and past years in college. From little Kate, Dara, and Collin about to have a pillow fight in the freshman dorm, to Samoa of the girls holding the "We love you, Kate" banner, to kids in the youth group at church camp this summer, to this past April with my research collaborators and biochemistry colleagues, I have it all on my wall. I looked up at it and could not help but be overcome with emotion that this journey is finally over. This chapter of life has ended and a new one will soon begin.
I can't say that I am not ready to move on. I am very attached to my job, my friends, classmates, student org, and many other things about ACU. However, if you asked me if I wanted to do another couple semesters of it, I would have to say "no." I am ready to move on, but it is still a bit painful to be honest. I feel like graduation should feel happier than this...not to say I am not happy but this is one of the most bittersweet experiences I have ever had. I wonder if other graduates feel like this or if I am just that crazy. I expected to be thrilled, ready to be done with ACU, and a sense of closure of it all. Honestly, I feel very little closure. Sure, I had the parties and celebrations and attention that signifies that something is drawing to a close and are meant to prepare us for that, but it just convinced me even more of how much I love things here.
I never thought I would look a picture of my professors or the other students that drove me crazy and start crying. I never thought I would lose sleep over cleaning out my desk at work or finishing the time-sheets we enter every semester. But alas, what would life be without surprises. Pretty boring, I would guess.
Now I am worried that all of you will think that I am crazy and should just be happy because life goes on. I can only say that I know I will get there. There is just so much that is unsure in my life right now. I am really leaning on the power of God to carry me through these next couple of months. I feel called and very confirmed in the decision that I have made, but it is hard not to get wrapped up thinking about it all. Life does move on. Things work out. New friends will be made and old ones will stay in touch. I know that things can't stay the way they are in one stage of life for forever and honestly I wouldn't want them to.
The other thing that situations like this make me appreciate, is the consistent things that God has established for us. First and foremost, that He loves us very much and He will always be there. Secondly, family. That's really all I can say right now without going into another emotional fit but I am so immensely grateful for the institution of family and how ideally, they are our best friends for life. I know that as people, we sometimes get in the way of ourselves, but family really is pretty cool when you think about going through changes but your family is your family. I understand that I have an ideal family situation...I love and appreciate them more now than maybe ever.
That's probably all I have energy for tonight. Peace and blessings, friends.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Dedication
So here is a little update on kind of where I am after having made my decision about deferring for a year. Honestly, I feel good about my decision. I believe that it is the right thing for me to do and have received confirmation almost everyday in some form or another. The other side of that is that the fear of moving, of living somewhere new, of being without my friends and family, still really scares me. Sometimes to the point of wishing I had made the other decision and taken the other road.
I get all tangled up in the thoughts of hypotheticals and the fact that I don't have a job, place to live, steady income, people to live with or even community up there to help me sort it all out. However, I do know that these vines of self-doubt really entangle me for no purpose but to mutilate my self-esteem, faith in God and faith in His people. I am finding once again, as I did in high school that the road that God and his people have pointed me on is not the safe, secure, wide and well-lit path that I have chosen to avoid for a year; but rather, this is the narrow, winding path...the start of which is hard to find.
This is where the dedication comes in. I think about Romans 12, verses 1-2 (The very verse I taught my kids in Samoa and attempted to learn in Samoan). I think about how so many people in scripture were called to dedicate their paths to the Lord. To offer their lives, bodies, talents, loves, dreams, and everything to the Lord so that they would succeed as only God can allow them to. They were probably scared. They probably cried. They also wrestled with their decision and felt the tug of the Spirit within them a certain way like did and do.
It's definitely easy to justify your actions for doing something crazy by saying that the Spirit has led you to this decision or that. Religious people have been justifying all sorts of insanity for thousands of years. However, there really is something to the overwhelming and inviting peace that falls every time I take back my decision from the vines of doubt and fear and restore it to the rightful place under God's control.
In Proverbs, it talks about the birds and the plants and how God provides for them because He loves his creation. Henri Nouwen, in his writings about solitude to community to ministry talks about us, his children, as the beloved. He asks us to find peace and wholeness in him. Finally, my least favorite "justification of the insanity" scripture is in Philippians. I am not rotting away in a prison cell and I resent openly when people put this on the back of a sports teams shirt, but Paul tells us that the love and peace of God can help us through the toughest of situations. "I can do all things..." think about what Paul was saying when he made that claim. I think about my situation and there is no real persecution, only doubt.
I praise God for the ways that he has dispelled the fear and doubt in my mind the last couple of weeks. Crazy Christian girl who has no clue about real life or not... if you were me, you could not possibly deny the peace and understanding that's come with the decision to hand all of the stress and worry over to Him.
I get all tangled up in the thoughts of hypotheticals and the fact that I don't have a job, place to live, steady income, people to live with or even community up there to help me sort it all out. However, I do know that these vines of self-doubt really entangle me for no purpose but to mutilate my self-esteem, faith in God and faith in His people. I am finding once again, as I did in high school that the road that God and his people have pointed me on is not the safe, secure, wide and well-lit path that I have chosen to avoid for a year; but rather, this is the narrow, winding path...the start of which is hard to find.
This is where the dedication comes in. I think about Romans 12, verses 1-2 (The very verse I taught my kids in Samoa and attempted to learn in Samoan). I think about how so many people in scripture were called to dedicate their paths to the Lord. To offer their lives, bodies, talents, loves, dreams, and everything to the Lord so that they would succeed as only God can allow them to. They were probably scared. They probably cried. They also wrestled with their decision and felt the tug of the Spirit within them a certain way like did and do.
It's definitely easy to justify your actions for doing something crazy by saying that the Spirit has led you to this decision or that. Religious people have been justifying all sorts of insanity for thousands of years. However, there really is something to the overwhelming and inviting peace that falls every time I take back my decision from the vines of doubt and fear and restore it to the rightful place under God's control.
In Proverbs, it talks about the birds and the plants and how God provides for them because He loves his creation. Henri Nouwen, in his writings about solitude to community to ministry talks about us, his children, as the beloved. He asks us to find peace and wholeness in him. Finally, my least favorite "justification of the insanity" scripture is in Philippians. I am not rotting away in a prison cell and I resent openly when people put this on the back of a sports teams shirt, but Paul tells us that the love and peace of God can help us through the toughest of situations. "I can do all things..." think about what Paul was saying when he made that claim. I think about my situation and there is no real persecution, only doubt.
I praise God for the ways that he has dispelled the fear and doubt in my mind the last couple of weeks. Crazy Christian girl who has no clue about real life or not... if you were me, you could not possibly deny the peace and understanding that's come with the decision to hand all of the stress and worry over to Him.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Changes.
Well, if you have been tuned into my life lately, you have heard most of the saga. But for those of you who have not or have caught me at one of those frequent times where I don't feel like talking about it, this is for you.
As you all probably know, I have spend the last 14 months or so preparing and applying to medical school. It was a long journey that supposedly ended on November 15, when I got my acceptance letter to my top choice medical School. The final victory was staying up until 12am on February 1st to see the screen that said I had officially "matched" with said school which made it final. This school was my first choice among the Texas medical schools and I was delighted to say the least. I loved everything from the campuses, to hospitals, to students and staff that I had met. That fact has not changed. However, some other facts have.
I received a letter that next week that said that they had overbooked the class. I have to admit I was a little crushed. Applying to school is long process and I was tired of all of the ups and downs and drama. However, I failed to see in that moment the opportunity that had been presented to me by their mistake. I want to clarify that this is in NO way a note to bash my medical school -- they have handled things as professionally as they could and realize that this is a difficult situation. The administration has been fantastic this whole time.
Anyway, the choice was mine at that point to deffer and begin with a scholarship in 2012 or to elect not to deffer (with a possibility of being deferred by them). My initial reaction was one of pride and frustration that said, "This isn't fair. I won't be deferred. I want to go THIS year." But that pride and frustration was blocking my vision to see what this year could be if I let God take a hold of it.
It came down to a long spring break and week after of difficult conversations and extremely weighty thoughts. I allowed myself to truly wrestle with the choice and the consequences of each path. I buried myself for a few days from almost everyone and everything so that I could probe deep into my heart and into the heart of God about what I was do with this option presented me. Deferment meant a year of unknowns, excitement, doing something I would never do, travel, honestly Garrett, and other opportunities but came with a burden of unknown, fear, being an adult, finding a job and place to live and all of those complications. Not deferring meant I would live my dream sooner. But I had to wonder, would I regret a chance to live a different life for one year?
I don't base decisions on regret. I had to look very critically at myself and that was extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully, I could not have done it without them, but my family, friends, and Garrett all stayed right beside me in those moments of when I was most afraid to ask, "Lord, what do YOU want for me?"
I found my answers in scripture and through the words of my family and friends. I was reading the Corinthians at the time. In 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, Paul talks about how when growth occurs it is from God and not men. We can plant and water the seeds but only God can make it grow because he is the Creator of all things. I thought about this verse and it gave me immense comfort. Where my career, my faith, my relationship with Garrett, are concerned, I can make the choice to plant the seed, make the decision; and I can water it with prayer, energy, and attention; but only God can produce the growth that will make me a worthwhile worker in his field through these things.
My family and friends have all been extremely supportive as well without pushing me in one direction or the other. They all kept their bias shrouded in love for me and desire for me to be happy and own my decision. They have provided every measure of comfort and support for me. Prayer, food, space, time, love, affection, and sounding boards are just some of the ways that my family and friends have laid down their lives for me to be able to make a good decision. I am eternally grateful.
When it came down to turning the letter in, I was still afraid. I had made my decision and felt good about it, but it was still going to be final. My generation of Americans are not used to making decisions that don't involve a "backspace" or "delete" button. But as a little time has gone by now, I feel better everyday about the decision. I feel immensely and richly blessed beyond what I can fathom for the family and friends who have all shown their true colors and put up with me with love and respect through this whole medical school process.
What was the plan then? What decision did I make? I chose the unknown. I chose the year of deferral and scholarship and a chance to live a different life for a year. The plan is to find a job that will allow me to relax and enter medical school next summer a healthier and happier person. When I really consider myself, I have not done a wonderful job of self-care in the past four years. I have not stopped going the whole time and could really use a break from homework and school-related stress before I jump back in. I am a year younger, so I am not getting behind really.
Now here's the twist that everyone was already expecting, I am going to try to move to Memphis and find a job there. Garrett and I have decided to give living in the same place a go and see where things head. We both feel good about where we are in our relationship but know that things will change in August as he starts medical school at UT Memphis. If you have concerns about this part of the plan, I do too. I want to clarify that I am not giving up my dream to chase a guy I've been dating for about 9 months. I'm taking my year that I have been given to see where things go. No worries, friends.
Feel free to comment, but please know that I will not tolerate any negativity towards my medical school. It is still my top choice and I am happy with that. I am choosing to see this year as a good thing even though it was unexpected. :-)
As you all probably know, I have spend the last 14 months or so preparing and applying to medical school. It was a long journey that supposedly ended on November 15, when I got my acceptance letter to my top choice medical School. The final victory was staying up until 12am on February 1st to see the screen that said I had officially "matched" with said school which made it final. This school was my first choice among the Texas medical schools and I was delighted to say the least. I loved everything from the campuses, to hospitals, to students and staff that I had met. That fact has not changed. However, some other facts have.
I received a letter that next week that said that they had overbooked the class. I have to admit I was a little crushed. Applying to school is long process and I was tired of all of the ups and downs and drama. However, I failed to see in that moment the opportunity that had been presented to me by their mistake. I want to clarify that this is in NO way a note to bash my medical school -- they have handled things as professionally as they could and realize that this is a difficult situation. The administration has been fantastic this whole time.
Anyway, the choice was mine at that point to deffer and begin with a scholarship in 2012 or to elect not to deffer (with a possibility of being deferred by them). My initial reaction was one of pride and frustration that said, "This isn't fair. I won't be deferred. I want to go THIS year." But that pride and frustration was blocking my vision to see what this year could be if I let God take a hold of it.
It came down to a long spring break and week after of difficult conversations and extremely weighty thoughts. I allowed myself to truly wrestle with the choice and the consequences of each path. I buried myself for a few days from almost everyone and everything so that I could probe deep into my heart and into the heart of God about what I was do with this option presented me. Deferment meant a year of unknowns, excitement, doing something I would never do, travel, honestly Garrett, and other opportunities but came with a burden of unknown, fear, being an adult, finding a job and place to live and all of those complications. Not deferring meant I would live my dream sooner. But I had to wonder, would I regret a chance to live a different life for one year?
I don't base decisions on regret. I had to look very critically at myself and that was extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully, I could not have done it without them, but my family, friends, and Garrett all stayed right beside me in those moments of when I was most afraid to ask, "Lord, what do YOU want for me?"
I found my answers in scripture and through the words of my family and friends. I was reading the Corinthians at the time. In 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, Paul talks about how when growth occurs it is from God and not men. We can plant and water the seeds but only God can make it grow because he is the Creator of all things. I thought about this verse and it gave me immense comfort. Where my career, my faith, my relationship with Garrett, are concerned, I can make the choice to plant the seed, make the decision; and I can water it with prayer, energy, and attention; but only God can produce the growth that will make me a worthwhile worker in his field through these things.
My family and friends have all been extremely supportive as well without pushing me in one direction or the other. They all kept their bias shrouded in love for me and desire for me to be happy and own my decision. They have provided every measure of comfort and support for me. Prayer, food, space, time, love, affection, and sounding boards are just some of the ways that my family and friends have laid down their lives for me to be able to make a good decision. I am eternally grateful.
When it came down to turning the letter in, I was still afraid. I had made my decision and felt good about it, but it was still going to be final. My generation of Americans are not used to making decisions that don't involve a "backspace" or "delete" button. But as a little time has gone by now, I feel better everyday about the decision. I feel immensely and richly blessed beyond what I can fathom for the family and friends who have all shown their true colors and put up with me with love and respect through this whole medical school process.
What was the plan then? What decision did I make? I chose the unknown. I chose the year of deferral and scholarship and a chance to live a different life for a year. The plan is to find a job that will allow me to relax and enter medical school next summer a healthier and happier person. When I really consider myself, I have not done a wonderful job of self-care in the past four years. I have not stopped going the whole time and could really use a break from homework and school-related stress before I jump back in. I am a year younger, so I am not getting behind really.
Now here's the twist that everyone was already expecting, I am going to try to move to Memphis and find a job there. Garrett and I have decided to give living in the same place a go and see where things head. We both feel good about where we are in our relationship but know that things will change in August as he starts medical school at UT Memphis. If you have concerns about this part of the plan, I do too. I want to clarify that I am not giving up my dream to chase a guy I've been dating for about 9 months. I'm taking my year that I have been given to see where things go. No worries, friends.
Feel free to comment, but please know that I will not tolerate any negativity towards my medical school. It is still my top choice and I am happy with that. I am choosing to see this year as a good thing even though it was unexpected. :-)
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Living the College Dream
So when in the course of human events it becomes necessary to spice up one's life a bit, most people would not choose the adventure I am embarking on now. I have decided that until spring break, I am not going to spend any money at all. This is only possible by generous gifts from my parents and some elderly folks that give money to ACU, but I am going to try it. Here are the conditions: No spending; no exceptions.
I am not going to pay for entertainment, gas, groceries, or to eat out. Reasons for this are multi-faceted and like I say, my meal plan at ACU and the fact that rent and bills for this month are taken care of allows me to try this. I just want to know how much I could save in two weeks by being super cheap. The current state of my pantry and fridge are as follows:
-half a block of cheddar cheese
-half a box of wheat thins
-milk
-bread
-peanut butter
-honey
-small amount of left-over pasta
-small amount of lunch meat
I have 10 meal plans a week so that will feed me breakfast and lunch during the week days. Other than that, I figure I will join my parents for dinner a couple of times between now and then and ration myself accordingly. If I run out of gas, I run out. If I run out of shampoo... (well, I stocked up on hygiene products before this week began). Anyway, this should be an interesting challenge just to see if I can remember that this is my commitment. That is why I share it with you, readers.
Out of all of the riches that I enjoy from the Father, I simply wonder how much I spend on frivolous things. Some things are obviously worth spending money on and some represent times of social and relational interaction. I hope and pray that this will help me see more clearly...well, something. I am not sure yet but I feel really motivated to try it. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.
The best thing about writing a blog is that I can pretend that I have someone(s) out there that really intensely care what I think about and what I am doing in my life. It gives me some measure of validation to know that there is a chance someone stumbles across this. Just saying.
Other than my "College Dream" life that I am living, I have found myself very conflicted this past week about decisions that I am having to make. I don't want to disclose exactly what I am talking about, but if you really know me, then you know what I am being confronted with.
Jeanine Varner, ACU's Provost, gave a speech at an event that I was at this past week. She talked about the words of a famous author to a young Walt Whitman. In this letter, the older mentor-like author wrote, "I greet you at the beginning of a great career." She said that that is how she feels about each of us at the assembly. I am not saying that I predict that I am going to have a fantastic career, but I do identify with being at the beginning. Whereas theoretically, all of my ducks would be in a row normally at this point, going to A&M and all, I can't help but feel like I am at a fork on a path.
I see it this way. I am in a great and tall forest with ACU (nearly) behind me and several paths stretched out before me. Before me, I can see the beginning part of each of them; though, they each turn, about two hundred feet in the distance. The paths shy away and hide what they hold beyond that certain point. I can tell that the each initially go different directions although, who knows? They could all very well converge or there could be switch over between them later on in the forest. I have to admit, I am taking inspiration from the great Frost, The Road not Taken. That is where I feel I am. Not an older person looking back on the paths, but having to look one path in the face and say, "I am not taking you. I have chosen something else."
As a person who tries very hard to live without regrets, I know that I must make good decisions now, ones that I can live with. What are the answers? Even less than that, how do I find them?
That question I can and will answer. I can only find them when I am focused on what God has given me. His word in scripture and voice in the people around me. With these things in mind, it is time to get started on this week.
Peace Brothers and Sisters.
I am not going to pay for entertainment, gas, groceries, or to eat out. Reasons for this are multi-faceted and like I say, my meal plan at ACU and the fact that rent and bills for this month are taken care of allows me to try this. I just want to know how much I could save in two weeks by being super cheap. The current state of my pantry and fridge are as follows:
-half a block of cheddar cheese
-half a box of wheat thins
-milk
-bread
-peanut butter
-honey
-small amount of left-over pasta
-small amount of lunch meat
I have 10 meal plans a week so that will feed me breakfast and lunch during the week days. Other than that, I figure I will join my parents for dinner a couple of times between now and then and ration myself accordingly. If I run out of gas, I run out. If I run out of shampoo... (well, I stocked up on hygiene products before this week began). Anyway, this should be an interesting challenge just to see if I can remember that this is my commitment. That is why I share it with you, readers.
Out of all of the riches that I enjoy from the Father, I simply wonder how much I spend on frivolous things. Some things are obviously worth spending money on and some represent times of social and relational interaction. I hope and pray that this will help me see more clearly...well, something. I am not sure yet but I feel really motivated to try it. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.
The best thing about writing a blog is that I can pretend that I have someone(s) out there that really intensely care what I think about and what I am doing in my life. It gives me some measure of validation to know that there is a chance someone stumbles across this. Just saying.
Other than my "College Dream" life that I am living, I have found myself very conflicted this past week about decisions that I am having to make. I don't want to disclose exactly what I am talking about, but if you really know me, then you know what I am being confronted with.
Jeanine Varner, ACU's Provost, gave a speech at an event that I was at this past week. She talked about the words of a famous author to a young Walt Whitman. In this letter, the older mentor-like author wrote, "I greet you at the beginning of a great career." She said that that is how she feels about each of us at the assembly. I am not saying that I predict that I am going to have a fantastic career, but I do identify with being at the beginning. Whereas theoretically, all of my ducks would be in a row normally at this point, going to A&M and all, I can't help but feel like I am at a fork on a path.
I see it this way. I am in a great and tall forest with ACU (nearly) behind me and several paths stretched out before me. Before me, I can see the beginning part of each of them; though, they each turn, about two hundred feet in the distance. The paths shy away and hide what they hold beyond that certain point. I can tell that the each initially go different directions although, who knows? They could all very well converge or there could be switch over between them later on in the forest. I have to admit, I am taking inspiration from the great Frost, The Road not Taken. That is where I feel I am. Not an older person looking back on the paths, but having to look one path in the face and say, "I am not taking you. I have chosen something else."
As a person who tries very hard to live without regrets, I know that I must make good decisions now, ones that I can live with. What are the answers? Even less than that, how do I find them?
That question I can and will answer. I can only find them when I am focused on what God has given me. His word in scripture and voice in the people around me. With these things in mind, it is time to get started on this week.
Peace Brothers and Sisters.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Back in the Blogosphere
Ephesians 3:17-19 (New International Version, ©2010)
17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
----------------------------
Hey there readers,
I haven't been able to write for a while. Well, not even that. I have chosen for the last little while not to write. So much has been going on and I have been so self-absorbed that it took over even my desire to fill the pages and/or screens of my life with anything meaningful. So many reasons and excuses came to my mind when I was deciding how to start this off: I've been too busy; I don't have the energy; time spend writing could be time spent in my personal relationships and all of that is true. However, I know that for my personal well-being, writing is a gift that I was given; a way in which to express myself and let things out that I feel. Once again, you may ask why, then, do I decide to blog my feelings? Why not keep a personal journal away from the prying eyes of the world? Well, for one, I have no reason to believe that anyone, aside from my mother and father and possibly grandparents, would want to read this. For two, I do a lot of advice seeking in my life and this is my way of tossing things out there for "the world" as it were, to give me feedback. I write this as a conversation...between you and me. Between God and me. Between anyone who has ears to hear (or eyes to read) and a simple person with something to say.
As many of you know, my life has been filled with very interesting and life-altering changes the past couple of years and especially the past couple of months. With medical school applications completed, family changes, and a man-friend in my life, the past year has been a roller-coaster of emotions and, well, really, quite epic by my proportions. It has made for an interesting climate in which to live my life. However, when I think about it. I am easily the most blessed person in the entire world. For one, I know Christ as my living Savior and have my life hidden in Him. Two, I have an amazing family and other communities and friends, like my roommates, with whom to discuss any and almost every aspect of my life. Three, I am blessed with an education and the ability to live comfortably and travel often. In these regards, and countless others, I am blessed beyond belief. I praise God for that. It is all to His glory.
Along those exact lines though, I feel that I am possibly the most spoiled person in the world too and that has made me rotten. I take things for granted. I live for the next moment and not the present. I fail people and know that they are going to still love me when they really don't have to. I suppose that over the past couple of days, I have been convicted once more of the ways that my soul has been starving. Starving for honesty and confession of things that I shouldn't do like complain and take things for granted. I am far from perfect and strive for my life to be His by an ever-increasing degree.
Why do you think it is, readers, that EVERY time I write, I am called back to the fundamental truth and goodness of God? Why is it that at the root of all of my joy and anguish I find this same longing for God? Truly, writing and listening are God's way of calling me home. Reminding me that I am blessed and his beloved. I hope and pray that all people, believers and unbelievers the same, may find that place where God grabs you by the collar every time and yanks you into the air. That place where he pulls you in, wraps his arms around you, and tells you that you are loved. And just like that, you know the mercy and grace and depth of the True God's love for His creation. (Sorry for the lack of gender neutrality when referring to God Almighty.)
Peace, brothers and sisters.
17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
----------------------------
Hey there readers,
I haven't been able to write for a while. Well, not even that. I have chosen for the last little while not to write. So much has been going on and I have been so self-absorbed that it took over even my desire to fill the pages and/or screens of my life with anything meaningful. So many reasons and excuses came to my mind when I was deciding how to start this off: I've been too busy; I don't have the energy; time spend writing could be time spent in my personal relationships and all of that is true. However, I know that for my personal well-being, writing is a gift that I was given; a way in which to express myself and let things out that I feel. Once again, you may ask why, then, do I decide to blog my feelings? Why not keep a personal journal away from the prying eyes of the world? Well, for one, I have no reason to believe that anyone, aside from my mother and father and possibly grandparents, would want to read this. For two, I do a lot of advice seeking in my life and this is my way of tossing things out there for "the world" as it were, to give me feedback. I write this as a conversation...between you and me. Between God and me. Between anyone who has ears to hear (or eyes to read) and a simple person with something to say.
As many of you know, my life has been filled with very interesting and life-altering changes the past couple of years and especially the past couple of months. With medical school applications completed, family changes, and a man-friend in my life, the past year has been a roller-coaster of emotions and, well, really, quite epic by my proportions. It has made for an interesting climate in which to live my life. However, when I think about it. I am easily the most blessed person in the entire world. For one, I know Christ as my living Savior and have my life hidden in Him. Two, I have an amazing family and other communities and friends, like my roommates, with whom to discuss any and almost every aspect of my life. Three, I am blessed with an education and the ability to live comfortably and travel often. In these regards, and countless others, I am blessed beyond belief. I praise God for that. It is all to His glory.
Along those exact lines though, I feel that I am possibly the most spoiled person in the world too and that has made me rotten. I take things for granted. I live for the next moment and not the present. I fail people and know that they are going to still love me when they really don't have to. I suppose that over the past couple of days, I have been convicted once more of the ways that my soul has been starving. Starving for honesty and confession of things that I shouldn't do like complain and take things for granted. I am far from perfect and strive for my life to be His by an ever-increasing degree.
Why do you think it is, readers, that EVERY time I write, I am called back to the fundamental truth and goodness of God? Why is it that at the root of all of my joy and anguish I find this same longing for God? Truly, writing and listening are God's way of calling me home. Reminding me that I am blessed and his beloved. I hope and pray that all people, believers and unbelievers the same, may find that place where God grabs you by the collar every time and yanks you into the air. That place where he pulls you in, wraps his arms around you, and tells you that you are loved. And just like that, you know the mercy and grace and depth of the True God's love for His creation. (Sorry for the lack of gender neutrality when referring to God Almighty.)
Peace, brothers and sisters.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Now I Can Feel It
Life goes on as normal. I suppose. For me that is. Life of my patients is a whole different issue. One seemingly filled with land-mines and hidden traps along the way. I don't mean to sound depressive. I am in no capacity depressed but I am rocked by the world that I live in right now. Who wouldn't be.
I have had a patient all the time that I have been here. I have walked through the ups and downs with him and his family. Right now, we are on a down. A major down. I have come to see just how important a chaplain's presence can be. I suppose that keeps me going in a non-self-absorbed way. I keep going because I know that somehow, God is making a difference through me.
I miss camp. I miss being with kids and having them around to lift my spirits and remind me that life goes on. Visits in my normal rounds are interesting, but I am coming to realize that there are things that I enjoy more and things that I steer away from. Some conversations are cut off. Some I cut off because I am uncomfortable. Now that I recognize that, perhaps I can look deeper into those conversations are rethink my aversion. I'll let ya know how that goes.
As far as more personal growth and change go, I have nothing more to offer. I think this summer is changing me beyond what I could ask or imagine. It is His power that works within me and I am realizing how this power cannot be stifled by anything I do except for ignore it. That's simply not an option. I hope that I don't ever try to do that. I can imagine the effects would be irreparable.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I feel them. I feel everything these days! :)
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