Changes.

Well, if you have been tuned into my life lately, you have heard most of the saga. But for those of you who have not or have caught me at one of those frequent times where I don't feel like talking about it, this is for you.



As you all probably know, I have spend the last 14 months or so preparing and applying to medical school. It was a long journey that supposedly ended on November 15, when I got my acceptance letter to my top choice medical School. The final victory was staying up until 12am on February 1st to see the screen that said I had officially "matched" with said school which made it final. This school was my first choice among the Texas medical schools and I was delighted to say the least. I loved everything from the campuses, to hospitals, to students and staff that I had met. That fact has not changed. However, some other facts have.



I received a letter that next week that said that they had overbooked the class. I have to admit I was a little crushed. Applying to school is long process and I was tired of all of the ups and downs and drama. However, I failed to see in that moment the opportunity that had been presented to me by their mistake. I want to clarify that this is in NO way a note to bash my medical school -- they have handled things as professionally as they could and realize that this is a difficult situation. The administration has been fantastic this whole time.



Anyway, the choice was mine at that point to deffer and begin with a scholarship in 2012 or to elect not to deffer (with a possibility of being deferred by them). My initial reaction was one of pride and frustration that said, "This isn't fair. I won't be deferred. I want to go THIS year." But that pride and frustration was blocking my vision to see what this year could be if I let God take a hold of it.



It came down to a long spring break and week after of difficult conversations and extremely weighty thoughts. I allowed myself to truly wrestle with the choice and the consequences of each path. I buried myself for a few days from almost everyone and everything so that I could probe deep into my heart and into the heart of God about what I was do with this option presented me. Deferment meant a year of unknowns, excitement, doing something I would never do, travel, honestly Garrett, and other opportunities but came with a burden of unknown, fear, being an adult, finding a job and place to live and all of those complications. Not deferring meant I would live my dream sooner. But I had to wonder, would I regret a chance to live a different life for one year?



I don't base decisions on regret. I had to look very critically at myself and that was extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully, I could not have done it without them, but my family, friends, and Garrett all stayed right beside me in those moments of when I was most afraid to ask, "Lord, what do YOU want for me?"



I found my answers in scripture and through the words of my family and friends. I was reading the Corinthians at the time. In 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, Paul talks about how when growth occurs it is from God and not men. We can plant and water the seeds but only God can make it grow because he is the Creator of all things. I thought about this verse and it gave me immense comfort. Where my career, my faith, my relationship with Garrett, are concerned, I can make the choice to plant the seed, make the decision; and I can water it with prayer, energy, and attention; but only God can produce the growth that will make me a worthwhile worker in his field through these things.



My family and friends have all been extremely supportive as well without pushing me in one direction or the other. They all kept their bias shrouded in love for me and desire for me to be happy and own my decision. They have provided every measure of comfort and support for me. Prayer, food, space, time, love, affection, and sounding boards are just some of the ways that my family and friends have laid down their lives for me to be able to make a good decision. I am eternally grateful.



When it came down to turning the letter in, I was still afraid. I had made my decision and felt good about it, but it was still going to be final. My generation of Americans are not used to making decisions that don't involve a "backspace" or "delete" button. But as a little time has gone by now, I feel better everyday about the decision. I feel immensely and richly blessed beyond what I can fathom for the family and friends who have all shown their true colors and put up with me with love and respect through this whole medical school process.



What was the plan then? What decision did I make? I chose the unknown. I chose the year of deferral and scholarship and a chance to live a different life for a year. The plan is to find a job that will allow me to relax and enter medical school next summer a healthier and happier person. When I really consider myself, I have not done a wonderful job of self-care in the past four years. I have not stopped going the whole time and could really use a break from homework and school-related stress before I jump back in. I am a year younger, so I am not getting behind really.



Now here's the twist that everyone was already expecting, I am going to try to move to Memphis and find a job there. Garrett and I have decided to give living in the same place a go and see where things head. We both feel good about where we are in our relationship but know that things will change in August as he starts medical school at UT Memphis. If you have concerns about this part of the plan, I do too. I want to clarify that I am not giving up my dream to chase a guy I've been dating for about 9 months. I'm taking my year that I have been given to see where things go. No worries, friends.



Feel free to comment, but please know that I will not tolerate any negativity towards my medical school. It is still my top choice and I am happy with that. I am choosing to see this year as a good thing even though it was unexpected. :-)

Living the College Dream

So when in the course of human events it becomes necessary to spice up one's life a bit, most people would not choose the adventure I am embarking on now. I have decided that until spring break, I am not going to spend any money at all. This is only possible by generous gifts from my parents and some elderly folks that give money to ACU, but I am going to try it. Here are the conditions: No spending; no exceptions.

I am not going to pay for entertainment, gas, groceries, or to eat out. Reasons for this are multi-faceted and like I say, my meal plan at ACU and the fact that rent and bills for this month are taken care of allows me to try this. I just want to know how much I could save in two weeks by being super cheap. The current state of my pantry and fridge are as follows:
-half a block of cheddar cheese
-half a box of wheat thins
-milk
-bread
-peanut butter
-honey
-small amount of left-over pasta
-small amount of lunch meat

I have 10 meal plans a week so that will feed me breakfast and lunch during the week days. Other than that, I figure I will join my parents for dinner a couple of times between now and then and ration myself accordingly. If I run out of gas, I run out. If I run out of shampoo... (well, I stocked up on hygiene products before this week began). Anyway, this should be an interesting challenge just to see if I can remember that this is my commitment. That is why I share it with you, readers.

Out of all of the riches that I enjoy from the Father, I simply wonder how much I spend on frivolous things. Some things are obviously worth spending money on and some represent times of social and relational interaction. I hope and pray that this will help me see more clearly...well, something. I am not sure yet but I feel really motivated to try it. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.

The best thing about writing a blog is that I can pretend that I have someone(s) out there that really intensely care what I think about and what I am doing in my life. It gives me some measure of validation to know that there is a chance someone stumbles across this. Just saying.

Other than my "College Dream" life that I am living, I have found myself very conflicted this past week about decisions that I am having to make. I don't want to disclose exactly what I am talking about, but if you really know me, then you know what I am being confronted with.

Jeanine Varner, ACU's Provost, gave a speech at an event that I was at this past week. She talked about the words of a famous author to a young Walt Whitman. In this letter, the older mentor-like author wrote, "I greet you at the beginning of a great career." She said that that is how she feels about each of us at the assembly. I am not saying that I predict that I am going to have a fantastic career, but I do identify with being at the beginning. Whereas theoretically, all of my ducks would be in a row normally at this point, going to A&M and all, I can't help but feel like I am at a fork on a path.

I see it this way. I am in a great and tall forest with ACU (nearly) behind me and several paths stretched out before me. Before me, I can see the beginning part of each of them; though, they each turn, about two hundred feet in the distance. The paths shy away and hide what they hold beyond that certain point. I can tell that the each initially go different directions although, who knows? They could all very well converge or there could be switch over between them later on in the forest. I have to admit, I am taking inspiration from the great Frost, The Road not Taken. That is where I feel I am. Not an older person looking back on the paths, but having to look one path in the face and say, "I am not taking you. I have chosen something else."

As a person who tries very hard to live without regrets, I know that I must make good decisions now, ones that I can live with. What are the answers? Even less than that, how do I find them?

That question I can and will answer. I can only find them when I am focused on what God has given me. His word in scripture and voice in the people around me. With these things in mind, it is time to get started on this week.

Peace Brothers and Sisters.

Back in the Blogosphere

Ephesians 3:17-19 (New International Version, ©2010)

17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

----------------------------

Hey there readers,

I haven't been able to write for a while. Well, not even that. I have chosen for the last little while not to write. So much has been going on and I have been so self-absorbed that it took over even my desire to fill the pages and/or screens of my life with anything meaningful. So many reasons and excuses came to my mind when I was deciding how to start this off: I've been too busy; I don't have the energy; time spend writing could be time spent in my personal relationships and all of that is true. However, I know that for my personal well-being, writing is a gift that I was given; a way in which to express myself and let things out that I feel. Once again, you may ask why, then, do I decide to blog my feelings? Why not keep a personal journal away from the prying eyes of the world? Well, for one, I have no reason to believe that anyone, aside from my mother and father and possibly grandparents, would want to read this. For two, I do a lot of advice seeking in my life and this is my way of tossing things out there for "the world" as it were, to give me feedback. I write this as a conversation...between you and me. Between God and me. Between anyone who has ears to hear (or eyes to read) and a simple person with something to say.

As many of you know, my life has been filled with very interesting and life-altering changes the past couple of years and especially the past couple of months. With medical school applications completed, family changes, and a man-friend in my life, the past year has been a roller-coaster of emotions and, well, really, quite epic by my proportions. It has made for an interesting climate in which to live my life. However, when I think about it. I am easily the most blessed person in the entire world. For one, I know Christ as my living Savior and have my life hidden in Him. Two, I have an amazing family and other communities and friends, like my roommates, with whom to discuss any and almost every aspect of my life. Three, I am blessed with an education and the ability to live comfortably and travel often. In these regards, and countless others, I am blessed beyond belief. I praise God for that. It is all to His glory.

Along those exact lines though, I feel that I am possibly the most spoiled person in the world too and that has made me rotten. I take things for granted. I live for the next moment and not the present. I fail people and know that they are going to still love me when they really don't have to. I suppose that over the past couple of days, I have been convicted once more of the ways that my soul has been starving. Starving for honesty and confession of things that I shouldn't do like complain and take things for granted. I am far from perfect and strive for my life to be His by an ever-increasing degree.

Why do you think it is, readers, that EVERY time I write, I am called back to the fundamental truth and goodness of God? Why is it that at the root of all of my joy and anguish I find this same longing for God? Truly, writing and listening are God's way of calling me home. Reminding me that I am blessed and his beloved. I hope and pray that all people, believers and unbelievers the same, may find that place where God grabs you by the collar every time and yanks you into the air. That place where he pulls you in, wraps his arms around you, and tells you that you are loved. And just like that, you know the mercy and grace and depth of the True God's love for His creation. (Sorry for the lack of gender neutrality when referring to God Almighty.)

Peace, brothers and sisters.

Now I Can Feel It

Life goes on as normal. I suppose. For me that is. Life of my patients is a whole different issue. One seemingly filled with land-mines and hidden traps along the way. I don't mean to sound depressive. I am in no capacity depressed but I am rocked by the world that I live in right now. Who wouldn't be.

I have had a patient all the time that I have been here. I have walked through the ups and downs with him and his family. Right now, we are on a down. A major down. I have come to see just how important a chaplain's presence can be. I suppose that keeps me going in a non-self-absorbed way. I keep going because I know that somehow, God is making a difference through me.

I miss camp. I miss being with kids and having them around to lift my spirits and remind me that life goes on. Visits in my normal rounds are interesting, but I am coming to realize that there are things that I enjoy more and things that I steer away from. Some conversations are cut off. Some I cut off because I am uncomfortable. Now that I recognize that, perhaps I can look deeper into those conversations are rethink my aversion. I'll let ya know how that goes.

As far as more personal growth and change go, I have nothing more to offer. I think this summer is changing me beyond what I could ask or imagine. It is His power that works within me and I am realizing how this power cannot be stifled by anything I do except for ignore it. That's simply not an option. I hope that I don't ever try to do that. I can imagine the effects would be irreparable.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I feel them. I feel everything these days! :)

Camp Star Trails: The World's Greatest

Hey readers! I'm sorry it has taken me a while to write again, but here it is:

I spent this past week at Camp Star Trails which is a camp put on mostly by people at MD Anderson for kiddos with cancer and their siblings. We had kids of all varieties there. We had boys and girls, from ages 5-6 all the way up to 12-13, still very sick and on chemo to siblings who had never been sick a day in their lives, kids who had just been diagnosed to kids that had never known a life without cancer. It was truly an amazing experience.

You may be wondering how something like this could be pulled off and how these kids, some with blatant disabilities could be entertained and kept from homesickness at an overnight camp for a week. Well, let's just say we were moving, moving, moving, the whole week.

I had a cabin of 10-12-year-old girls that were amazing. We had two that required a lot of special attention and another couple that tired very easily. We were at a camp site called "Camp for All" that is, what appears to be a multi-million dollar operation, complete with their own staff. All of the camp is completely wheel-chair accessible including the pools and bathrooms. Our cabin had only 8 campers to 4 counselors and we needed everyone of them!

The day started with optional "early morning fishing" at 6:30AM and ended most nights around 10:30 for us when all the girls got showered and in bed. We did basically everything that kids do at summer camp (that's kinda the point). We fished, canoed, did archery, rode bikes, conquered low ropes, climbed high ropes, went horseback riding, played sports, had a beauty spa and tea party, danced (a lot), got dressed up for a party and so much more. It was a full week! I am so happy to say that everyone in my cabin, including one wheel-chair/walker-bound camper, got to do everything! It was of course challenge by choice, but they were mostly great about choosing to challenge themselves.

Most people I have talked to about this have asked me if it was just overwhelmingly sad to be with these kids and how in the world I could work with kids with cancer. Honestly there were just a few times in the week that it was sad for me. When we were up and moving around doing things, it was pretty easy to forget what these kids are struggling with. But when we calmed down and settled for bed in the evening, it was impossible to escape. I suppose some of my campers may have been told they are "terminal" but I obviously didn't ask and they didn't volunteer that information. Who gives a care though? They don't (for the most part). They choose to get up every morning of camp and try new things and make new friends. They are kids and despite the amount of maturity one might think they claim after a diagnosis, they really still act like kids.

We sang a lot of songs at camp that were really cool and inspirational that I don't have time to write here. But there is one that sticks in my memory. We would sing this with motions and everything every morning and several evenings. It was really cool to see the kids start believing the chorus:

The first time I heard it, I was a bit shocked. What are we teaching these kids?! But really, it's so true. They are the world's greatest. They have overcome a very formidable enemy: Giving up. They (or their brother or sister) may or may not win the fight with cancer if we are honest, many of them will lose. But they get up and act like kids every morning. They came to a camp away from their parents and did amazing! I don't think I'll ever forget that song and how amazing it was to see these kids sing it.

The other aspect that I really liked about camp was how the brothers and sisters were invited to come and be a part of camp as well. They all cared so much about their bro or sis that is sick and were so attentive to their family connection. One little girl in my cabin and her little brother (coincidentally in Carter's cabin) reminded me some what of Wade and I's relationship and how I used to look up to him. It was so obvious how important that bond between brothers and sisters is, especially when one of them is or has been so sick.

I don't want to talk your ears off, but you can probably tell that I LOVED camp. I have recognized how much I LOVE working with kids, especially older elementary aged ones. I think back to Samoa and how important those kids were/are to me and how attached I got to the kids I worked with this week and can't help but think about doing something in the future with kids. Whether this is going into pediatrics, having my own kids, or doing something else I haven't thought of, I don't have a clue. I also realize that we have GOT to find better treatments and cures for them. Maybe research wouldn't be so bad after all.

I want everyone I know to go down to Star Trails with me next summer. My plan is to try to return to camp if it works out with wherever God has me next summer. His placement of me these past few years has been so incredible! I wouldn't change a thing, even though at times it has been hard and sad.

I hope you will join me in praying for these amazing kids, themselves and their siblings, and their fights with cancer. They are amazing and resilient for the most part. They really are the world's greatest!

A Shock to the Heart

Each week is bringing a new flavor of this job that I have and more over, of this life that I am leading. Donny and Laura (former interns) both warned me of the shocking self-discovery that this internship is sure to bring about. I thought back to my junior year in high school and the major disillusionments and self-discovering I had done back then and dreaded that this might be a bit like that. However, I had no idea what was in store for me this week.

As I wrote in my last blog, I was on-call at MD Anderson on Monday, available for all families or patients in distress. That was a little tough but I got through it. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I had some fairly intense and long visits each day. I heard out the patients worries and concerns and assisted them, mostly by listening, in getting through some of it. I thought that I was dealing with it just so efficiently that I had no qualms about going about the rest of my life in the evenings. I then got some news about a friend of mine that has been admitted to MD Anderson with a serious diagnosis. Although this upset me quite a bit, I pushed it to the back of my mind and moved on swiftly to the rest of my life. I thought I had dealt with everything that I needed to.

Although when I didn't get restful sleep on Thursday night, I found out that something was not quite right. I had strange dreams that haunted me throughout the morning such as a dream about me getting sick and being confused. When I got to work, I found it very hard to concentrate on what we were discussing and had very few things to say (which is odd for me). I felt like I was on the edge of tears all day but couldn't pin point why. I decided that I was too emotionally compromised to go on visits straight away after lunch. I picked up my visit sheet in the office (which was enormous and compounded the stress) and went into the chapel armed only with time to spend, a Bible, and pen and paper.

I first cast off some surface stress by entrusting it to God in formal prayer. I journal prayer at night and devote time in prayerful thought throughout the day, but it dawned on me that I had not actually entrusted these things to God in a traditional prayer. I prayed for my friend, my patient, my family, and some other things that were on my list of life anxieties. Once I had swept off the dusty floor of my mind, I was expecting great relief, but didn't find any. I was led to spend some time in quiet mediation, striving to clear my mind from these anxious thoughts and letting words go as a manner of communicating them to God. As I sat there, I still felt pressure building up within me. So, I decided to do the one thing that almost always helps me bleed out some of my worries, I picked up my pen and started to write.

As the words flowed out of my mind and onto the paper, I began to see that this was going deep. Below the dusty floor of my mind, was a trap door leading down into my deeper fears and anxieties. I discovered that most of my anxieties were about things that I couldn't control. The unknowns if you will, had crept in like termites and began to eat away at the structure of my deep mind and heart.

Finally, I was led to the real fear that had been reeking the most havoc on me. It was a fear I had never sensed. It was the fear of not being satisfied with my decision to become a physician. It was my fear of turning away from that. I had never given myself permission in these last two years to want something different, to not be okay with the sacrifices that medicine was asking me to take. I was afraid of not wanting that any more. Silly isn't it?

I have felt, since I made that decision, that my lot was cast, my bags were checked, my boarding pass was non-refundable, non-transferable. I had not given myself permission to look at the big board of flights and rethink which one I wanted to get on. I realized that it was OK to not be ok with the sacrifices that doctors make for my life. I had spent so much time being affirmed and looking for affirmation that I had developed tunnel vision for my life. Everything was about med school. Everything. Grades, activities, my schedule, etc. Even my time with my friends was wasted to some extent when I got a grade back I was not happy about. I was worried for goodness sake about making a B in Organic Chemistry and scoring "Average" on the national standardized final. I wanted to be above average, not for me, but for med school.

My head bowed when I realized this and I identified the sin. Med school and the life of a physician, the power of a physician had become the pearl in the field that I wanted to sell almost everything for. But most of all, I was afraid of the fact that I wasn't okay with that.

Please do not be led to believe that I am altering my whole life plan right now. I am not dropping out of ACU. I am not changing my major. I am not even changing my pre-med concentration. I am however changing my way of thinking about the future. I am going to go into this next school year with a new mind set of finally allowing myself to be myself, allowing my thoughts of the future to be designated by the presence of God, not a stethoscope.

As you can imagine, this was a hard step for me to take. I had drawn a lot of identity from that designation. I am still healing from the scar of where that identity was attached to my heart. I ask for your prayers and your indulgences as I grow into whatever God wants me to be. Even if that is an elementary teacher, Mom. :)

Thanks for all your love, support and prayers. I am so very very very grateful to have such a base of friends, family, family friends, and friendly family to pour my heart out to.

I'm Chaplain Huggins, returning your page?

"Is that a question?" my Spanish teacher would ask periodically when I sounded unsure about a phrase that I was pronouncing. "Yes, Dr. Brown, I believe it was." I would reply back with utmost respect. "Oh, I see. Could you say it like it was not a question." He asked walking over to my desk. "Yes (I could but only because you have already implied my syntax was correct by dwelling on the tone of my voice rather than the jumbled phrases)..." and class would continue. Yesterday, while being on call, I answered a phone that way. "This is Chaplain Huggins? Returning your call? (Oh goodness let it have been a mistake)." 

However, my confidence grew a bit throughout the day as I lived minute by minute hoping that none of the communication devices strapped to my waist would make a sound. But they did. It was unavoidable. It was not that I didn't want to do the work that they would imply was needing to be done, but the shock of any second being whisked away to another hard, unfamiliar situation.

I only responded to three calls, one of which I passed on to the "Second call chaplain" because I was in a meeting with the family from the first call. Although I cannot reveal the nature of my visits, I can tell you that I was stretched yesterday. However, let me say in no uncertain terms that God was there with me. Lifting me up and holding me tight in every situation. 

I know that God blesses this ministry because I have seen it. I have seen it in others and I now know I have seen it in myself. I could not have done anything for either of those situations if God had not been in control. More on that later I am sure. 

I suppose its a bit like being in the desert and having nothing that can help you besides a little training. Don't mistake me for saying that the training was less than it could have been. It is all really good. But truly, training is only a tool. God is the craftsman that puts the oasis in front of you and tells you how to get there. 

Thanks for reading, more to come.