St. Ignatius Loyola and Bonhoeffer

Anyone who has known me for a period of time knows that my faith story involves a man by the name of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German man who lived and died during the time of Nazi Germany. God used his story and his book, "The Cost of Discipleship," to touch me deeply during my junior year of high school. The influence still carries on today in how I deal with things, think about decisions, and more broadly my overall view on spirituality.

A family friend who had read this very blog recommended that I look into the spiritual practice of the "Examen" prayer. I did a little research, bought "The Prayer that Changes Everything" by Jim Manney, and started to think seriously about making this prayer a part of my daily life and spiritual routine. I finished reading the book this morning and it has really caused me to think a lot about how I am living my life at this point. Several things really touched me as I read more about the traditional "Examen" first brought about by St. Ignatius Loyola which many of us recognize as the founder of the Jesuits.

My limited experience with anything "Jesuit" was limited to a the movie "The Mission" and a trip here... to the Jesuit mission in Brazil that was the basis for the movie.



But the book, written by a contemporary American, really struck my interest. As you can see if you have read my blog recently, this year has been filled with decisions and important crossroads. I have been down and out because I was struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel of these roads and fearing that I was going to make a decision that I would regret for the rest of my life.

The Examen is a prayer and a way of thinking...and a way of going throughout life in each present moment. Kind of like when yoga instructors ask you to clear your mind and focus on each breath...and then you can start doing things...not really...but kind of. I can't even pretend to understand the practice completely and I have not started practicing it yet but I am very excited. There is one quote from the book that I would like to reflect on with you now. It is by St. Ignatius Loyola in his book, Spiritual Exercises.

"I will ponder with great affection how much God, our Lord, has done for me, and how much He has given me of what He possesses, and finally, how much...the same Lord desires to give Himself to me."


This is the passage that I have chosen to focus on this week and reflect on now. Let's break it down: "I will ponder with great affection..." This is a choice to do something with my mind. This is not being blown here and there by my emotions or how I wake up in the morning but a personal choice to put on an "attitude of gratitude" (Manney's words) and move from there. I will chose to go into the place in my mind where I can see things in the presence of my Creator rather than being focused on how I feel about life that day. This is a statement that I am about to acknowledge the love that is a gift and makes my life so much better. That thought fills me up with joy so that I can proceed.

"...how much God, our Lord, has done for me..." This one is easy. He sent His son to redeem me from my sin. He lifts me up when I am down. He calms me when I am anxious. He carries me when I am weak. He's created a world for me to live in. He's always present even when I chose to ignore it completely.

"...and how much He has given me of what He possesses..." Wow. Life everyday for 21 years, countless heartbeats, breaths, drinks of water, food, experiences, life in general. Again wow. Relationships. I am a beloved daughter, granddaughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, student, neighbor, co-worker, employee, person on the phone at CHC, educator, former-intern...just to mention a few. The love that God shows me everyday though the relationships that He's given me is incredible and impossible to ponder enough. I am a social person and at the heart of us all is that longing for closeness with people here on earth. God has given me so many relationships and connections it knocks me off my feet. He is also the giver of love, grace, mercy, peace, my emotions, worldly possessions, comforts, and desires. All good things come from Him. My talents and dreams are a reflection of who He's created me to be. Instilled in me with purpose. His purpose. More on that in a minute.

"and finally, how much...the same Lord desires to give himself to me." Wow is not the word here. In fact, I am void of a proper way to respond to this. He is the creator of Heaven and earth and desires to have a relationship with me. He's given me all of these things I've mentioned and more but still longs to give himself to me in a loving relationship. I'll need to reflect on this a little later when words come back to me.

One of the focuses of the Examen is working through your daily walk and thinking about it through the eyes of God. We are to focus on the moments of our day that make us "feel something." We are to focus on our emotions and what those can reveal to us. One central question that this prayer can answer is, "What do I really want?" That is, what is it that I long for when all of my illusions of what a "good life" means have been stripped away and I focus on the meaning of life as giving praise, reverence, and worship to God.

At first when I read that passage about what I want, my Bonhoeffer sirens started going off. God used that moment in a powerful way to reshape my spirituality a bit. Bonhoeffer's book, The Cost of Discipleship, emphasizes that when we are called by Christ to be a disciple, "Christ bids us come and die." It's hard to explain how this had shaped my view of God. I believed that this meant that my dreams and desires were meaningless and even if it was miserable, I was to run the race that He set before me. For this reason, I couldn't reconcile any pleasure of this life with God's calling on my life. I believed that we were called to be anything but comfortable; therefore, comfort was a sign that I was doing something in my life for myself and not for God which was wrong; therefore, anytime I felt good or comfortable, I was doing wrong and should get out of that situation because it wasn't the will of God. I lived that way for a long time and it shaped how I viewed things. I strived not to take time, energy, or anything, for myself because all things I had were of God and to be given away to his purposes which I believed were ALWAYS outside of myself. I should add the honest addendum that I was irked when people did things for themselves because I viewed that as being outside how Christians should live.

It's incredible how strange that sounds to me putting it out there that way. I cannot pretend that I have lived everyday of my life for the past four years never doing anything for myself or enjoying anything. I did. I guess the addendum is that I almost always felt guilty for it. I don't want to pretend that this way of striving to live "selflessly" is all bad. But I did notice that I couldn't do it and now I recognize that my spiritual pendulum had swung a little far.

Now hopefully, you can see why my sirens went off when Manney and by extension, St. Ignatius Loyola, asked me to think about what I want from life. My immediate slurred Bonhoefferian response was, "What does it matter what I want? This life is about anything except for what I want. This life is about what God desires for me to do and what I want has nothing to do with it." As I read further though, my question was answered by another quotation from Loyola, "Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord and by this means to have his soul." This is the meaning of life according to the founder of the Jesuits.

The principle of searching our emotions for our deepest and truest desires is based upon the belief that we have the Holy Spirit of God in the deepest place within us because we were created by God. Another implication is that we must shed our superficial desires and find and focus on our truest desire. I pray that the Spirit will lead me to see this more clearly in the planned month of daily examen to follow. I realize I have lost all of my readers by this point, but it was a good spiritual exercise for me either way.

I find myself in a place where I haven't in a while: a reshaping of my foundational truths. It doesn't feel comfortable or steady right now; but it feels really really really good to be moving again.

Blessings and peace, readers.

The Memphis Files: Chapter 1

Wow! It has really been a whirl-wind couple of weeks for me in Memphis. I am finding that adjusting to a new city is everything I thought it would be and more.

For those of you who are just joining in, I will sum up my story. For those of you who know me...you can skip this if you want to.

So I am in Memphis for a year to figure a few things out. I was accepted to Texas A and M but deferred for a year. I still have my acceptance and a start day exactly a year from well, probably this week. However, I moved to Memphis to be with Garrett who is starting medical school here at UT this week. I have a job as a clinic assistant at the Church Health Center and have been here for two weeks. That should catch most of you up.

So Memphis is an interesting place to be and is very different from Abilene. I am really enjoying the culture and variety of people that I get to interact with every day. I have been working the phone lines for CHC and have learned so much even in two weeks. I get to talk to a lot of people with a lot of different reasons for calling in. We are a clinic that sees patients who are working, uninsured and live in Shelby county. It is interesting talking to these folks, especially the ones that tell you their story although it is testing sometimes when I can't really do anything for them but give them another number to call. I pray that everyone that I talk to will have relief from whatever is paining them even if I can't schedule their appointment or they have to seek another clinic.

I know that this job is already teaching me lots and lots of life lessons about how to treat and interact with people. I have even thought about how I want to run my practice in similar and different ways than the clinic here. Something I really love is how devoted to their particular mission they are and how they claim that every day. They see a select group of patients and for that reason, they are able to treat their patients well. More examples to come. Another thing is how intentional they are about everything. Every meeting has a purpose, every assignment or phone call is for the greater good and they have inservices and meetings every week to remind themselves. Anyway, more of that to come.

Otherwise, life is just business as usual. I can enjoy my time off with Garrett. I am having a lot of fun learning how to do this kind of relationship versus the long distance thing and it is working out. It has been hard with him starting school and trying to feel good about my decision to put it off for a year. I ask for the peace about it that I need for the moment and move on.

In a meeting I had with a supervisor that helps people get into med school at UT, I was made aware that the likelihood of me getting in to UT, whether it be in a couple years or down the road would be extremely low. I had pondered that thought for a possibility to get to stay with Garrett and see where that leads but that is not going to be the case. We could do long distance again while we are in school but we both know the likelihood of that working out would also be very low. It seems as though the decision will come down to being with Garrett or being a doctor. I can't pretend that there is an easy answer to that question and even if you think I am crazy, pray that I may have clarity and peace about it. I won't have to figure that out until November but it weighs heavily on my mind every single day.

Anyway...thanks for reading and I will update soon.